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Old 04-05-2016, 17:12   #1276
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Three Toronto surgeons were playing golf togeth er and discussing surgeries they had performed..

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Ontario . In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident;
I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.

The second surgeon said.. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident;
I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics.

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs”. Several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuana
and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour.
All I had left to work with was the man's blonde hair and the Horse's ass.
I was able to put them together and now he's running for President of the U..S.A!"
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Old 06-05-2016, 18:59   #1277
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 09-05-2016, 20:07   #1278
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Wife lost in kayaking accident in Maine

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor
man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maine State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers."

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkins exclaimed.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news,
some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkins. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good
news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Maine lobsters that you have ever seen and 60 good-sized rockfish clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the '60s and we feel you are entitled to share in the catch."

Stunned, Wilkins demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."


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Old 10-05-2016, 13:04   #1279
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 10-05-2016, 14:54   #1280
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Without going to my personal portal, how old am I???

I was born before:

' Fiberglass boats
' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill

There were no:

' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens

Man had not yet invented:

' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your Grandmother and I got married first, and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir."

And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man
With a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and
Wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was
A bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with
Your cousins.

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the
Evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the
Evenings and weekends — not purchasing condominiums.


We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 & 10-cent (5 and dime) stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, but who could
Afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

' "grass" was mowed,
' "coke" was a cold drink,
' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
' "chip" meant a piece of wood,
' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and.
' "software" wasn't even a word.




We were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
We volunteered to protect our precious country.
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.

How old do you think I am ?
And this is no joke!

Really makes you think how far we have come during our lifetimes, well some of you anyway !!!!!


Just to add, at my birth, it took millions of years to bring the world population to what it was. And now it has Tripled to 7.4 billion just in my lifetime, and I don't even have any children. No wonder I can't find a parking spot anymore.
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Old 10-05-2016, 18:47   #1281
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
Without going to my personal portal, how old am I???

I was born before:

' Fiberglass boats
' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill

There were no:

' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens

Man had not yet invented:

' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the moon
delmarrey, either your profile DOB is incorrect or you lived a sheltered childhood. Most of the items on your list were in use, some well before 1950, including Television, Penicillin, Frozen Food, Contact Lenses, Credit Cards, Ball Point Pens, Air Conditioning, Dishwasher, Clothes Dryer, Instant Coffee, Yogurt, Electric Typewriter, and FM Radio.
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Old 10-05-2016, 19:02   #1282
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Delmarrey had it easy!

https://youtu.be/Xe1a1wHxTyo
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Old 10-05-2016, 19:09   #1283
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by OutOfControl View Post
delmarrey, either your profile DOB is incorrect or you lived a sheltered childhood. Most of the items on your list were in use, some well before 1950, including Television, Penicillin, Frozen Food, Contact Lenses, Credit Cards, Ball Point Pens, Air Conditioning, Dishwasher, Clothes Dryer, Instant Coffee, Yogurt, Electric Typewriter, and FM Radio.
Yeah, I guess being born on a ranch in the valley would be sheltered, in those days. Btw this is the joke thread.
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Old 11-05-2016, 07:09   #1284
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
Guys have been wearing earrings for thousands of years. You must be very old...
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Old 11-05-2016, 07:13   #1285
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Returning to the concept of "joke:"

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather before him had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthdays. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him, so it is?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled eyes and said,

"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in January when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya feckin' eejit!"
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Old 11-05-2016, 10:07   #1286
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Didn't know you had to be 18 to drink in Ireland....


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Old 11-05-2016, 10:54   #1287
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Apparently some of you folks were born back when the Dead Sea was just a little sick.
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Old 11-05-2016, 13:32   #1288
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Re: The New Joke Thread

There's a blond and a brunette in a car. The brunette is driving while the blonde is in the passenger seat. They're going down a steep hill when the brunette realizes that the brakes don't work. The brunette tells the blonde that the brakes don't work and they will drive off the side of the cliff because they failed to stop. The blonde then replies, "Don't worry! There's a stop sign ahead."
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Old 11-05-2016, 13:34   #1289
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Uh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says. "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
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Old 11-05-2016, 13:35   #1290
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Ordinarily, staring is creepy. But if you spread your attention across many individuals, then it's just people watching.
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