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Old 24-04-2016, 00:00   #1261
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
MeanwhileInCyberspace....

Life is like soccer because my
mom signed me up for it and
expects me to try my best even
though I hate eff'ing soccer.
That's what being a mom is all about!
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Old 24-04-2016, 23:28   #1262
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says,"Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up heroin..."Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the **** out of the little rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, and ask him "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "Every time he's on Ecstasy that little furball makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours!"
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Old 24-04-2016, 23:34   #1263
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Re: The New Joke Thread

These three guys die in a car wreck and they all go to Hell. When they arrive the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was.

The first guy says, "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk."
The Devil decides to lock him in a room with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol imaginable. The guy's thinking, "Oh, yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room.

The second guy says, "It's the women, I could never stay faithful to my wife." The devil opens up the second door and inside is nothing but the finest looking naked women as far as the eye can see. The guy was to be locked in for 100 years. He couldn't believe it and his dick got instantly hard and he went running into the room as the Devil locked the door behind him.

The third dude says, "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up." The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10ft tall icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can't believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts and locks the door.

One hundred years pass and the Devil returns to check on the three men.
He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, ****, and piss. "I'll never drink again!" he says. The devil says it's good he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life.

The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out twice as fast as when he went in. "I'm 'effing gay!" he screams. The devil figures he's learned not to cheat on his wife and decides to give him a second chance too.

The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and sees nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting there in the same position that he was 100 years ago.

The Devil asks him if he's learned anything.

The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek, "Dude ... you got a light?"
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Old 01-05-2016, 15:50   #1264
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This one had me rolling. For you culturally sensitive haters, admit it you laughed too.
http://videos.videopress.com/YpRaDiV...xercise_hd.mp4

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Old 01-05-2016, 16:58   #1265
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Re: The New Joke Thread

How do you make your wife scream while you are having sex ?











Call her up and tell her what you are doing
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Old 01-05-2016, 18:09   #1266
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by jeanathon View Post
This one had me rolling. For you culturally sensitive haters, admit it you laughed too.
http://videos.videopress.com/YpRaDiV...xercise_hd.mp4

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That wasn't filmed in the US I bet.
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Old 01-05-2016, 20:14   #1267
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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That wasn't filmed in the US I bet.
Probably not. Someone might have been shot
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Old 01-05-2016, 20:15   #1268
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by jeanathon View Post
This one had me rolling. For you culturally sensitive haters, admit it you laughed too.
http://videos.videopress.com/YpRaDiV...xercise_hd.mp4

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The escalator got me lol.
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Old 01-05-2016, 21:52   #1269
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Yup, the escalator one got me laughing too!
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Old 02-05-2016, 00:07   #1270
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Therapy View Post
That wasn't filmed in the US I bet.
Melbourne Australia.

Melbourne's Jalal brothers: internet infamy and possibly jail for prank bombing videos
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Old 02-05-2016, 03:20   #1271
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Probably not the first time Aussie officials have displayed a distinct lack of humor.
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Old 02-05-2016, 03:52   #1272
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
Probably not the first time Aussie officials have displayed a distinct lack of humor.
They train them in the US.....
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Old 02-05-2016, 04:40   #1273
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I noticed that the video file had a name...

"How to get people to exercise"

Funny!
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Old 03-05-2016, 06:16   #1274
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.


He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.


He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in
both arms.


A breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over
him.


He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.


The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke
to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not
feel anything from the waist down."


Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Then, can I feel your boobs?"

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE
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Old 03-05-2016, 16:38   #1275
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A Man's Age - as Determined by a Trip to Bunnings (for those outside Australia, Bunnings is a large hardware chain)


You're in the middle of some kind of project around the house,mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You're
hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in the crotch, old t-shirt with a stain
from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Bunnings to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:


In your 20's:
Stop what you're doing. Shave, take a shower, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favo
urite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.
And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you're doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else.

Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it.
Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.


In your 40's:
Stop what you're doing.

Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brut Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Bunnings. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.


In your 50's:
Stop what you're doing.
Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from the Gold Coast Bait & Beer Bar and it says, I've Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you're doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes..

The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you're doing.

Wait to go to Bunnings until the chemist has your prescriptions ready too.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.


In your 80's:
Stop what you're doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Bunnings.

Go to K-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a Bunnings? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I?
Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you?
Who farted?

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