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Old 14-04-2016, 15:37   #1246
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Family reunion and my cousin tells this tale....


One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know...)


'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'
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Old 14-04-2016, 15:40   #1247
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Re: The New Joke Thread

After being married for 32 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Honey, 32 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.”

“Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 57-year-old woman.” “It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis...
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Old 14-04-2016, 17:36   #1248
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Re: The New Joke Thread

...............
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Old 15-04-2016, 21:36   #1249
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So what's the difference between the Mormons and the Muslims??




Wait for it...............























The Mormons want their 72 virgins now.
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Old 15-04-2016, 21:41   #1250
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:

My Dearest,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love, Roger

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
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Old 15-04-2016, 22:06   #1251
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Re: The New Joke Thread

And why not?
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Old 16-04-2016, 21:58   #1252
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So the other night we were down at the pub. And George, he was saying that a girl once asked him how he viewed Lesbian relationships. Says he told her "In HD". Apparently that was not the right answer, George says.

{We sort'a think George might of stole that line from sickipedia, but nobody will confirm it by actually admitting they've visited that website.}

Anyway, on that note I had to leave. And man, things are getting rough around here, I tell you! Gotta' be very careful when you go out on the street, because when I left the pub around 9:30 pm a bastard who was wearing a black hoody sweatshirt pulled out a pair of scissors. Luckily I had enough agility and I pulled out a rock, because if I'd pulled out paper he would have won.
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Old 17-04-2016, 00:06   #1253
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon when the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

“Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off.” said the teacher.
“Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is the question'?” asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, “Shakespeare”.

“Well done!” said the teacher, “You can have Monday off.”

“No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.” said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

“Well okay,” said the teacher.

The next quote is, “I had a dream!”

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out “I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!”

“Well done!” said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off”

“No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too.” said little Fri Sum Kat.

“Okay,” said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, “F-----g Asians!”

“Who said that?” yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

“Donald Trump!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya Tuesday.”
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Old 17-04-2016, 22:58   #1254
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Re: The New Joke Thread

#MeanwhileInCyberspace.....
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Old 17-04-2016, 23:11   #1255
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Russian Wedding..... Gotta admire those Ruskies!

My on-line translation program changes Russian to English and claims:
Global Climatechange
is biggest joke
Feb. Zakonav (provincial city a bit N'East of Moscow)
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Old 17-04-2016, 23:38   #1256
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Oh, all right..... That's not the real translation. Okay? Joke thread, this is.
Anyway....
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Old 20-04-2016, 06:22   #1257
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from his couch, then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, observing her husband's odd behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get some Viagra."

Immediately the wife starts positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins putting her coat on.

He asks, "Where the hell are you going?"

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

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Old 20-04-2016, 18:17   #1258
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The Moral of Auntie Sharon


A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'


'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.


'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'


'Very good,' said the teacher.


Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'


'That was a fine story Sarah.'


Michael, do you have a story to share?'


'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Auntie Sharon. Auntie Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.


She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.


She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.


She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.


Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.


And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'


‘Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'


'Stay the hell away from Auntie Sharon when she's been drinking'.
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Old 22-04-2016, 13:03   #1259
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Bill, Dan and Ted all pitched in and bought a boat. They were so excited that they took their wives out on a maiden voyage across the Atlantic to celebrate.

One night on their passage, a huge rogue wave came crashing down on their little boat sinking it to the bottom, and they all drowned.

As they all stood together in line at St. Peters gate, they waited patiently to pass through. St. Peter told Bill and his wife to step forward.

"Bill, you lived a nice life. You worked hard and supported your family. You helped others and had a giving spirit. But Bill, deep down, you had a lust so great for wealth, you married a woman named Jewel. I'm afraid I can't let you pass." And he sent them to hell.

Dan and his lovely wife stepped forward for judgement. With a big smile St. Peter said, "Welcome Dan! So good to see you! You worked hard, you fed the homeless, you rescued kittens, you were a deacon at the church, you've made us proud with your efforts in life.... but Dan...secretly deep in your heart you had a love for money that was so great, you married a woman named Penny. I'm sorry but I can't let you pass..." and he sent them to hell.

Well being the wise man Ted was, and after seeing his two best friends get sent to hell. He took one look at his wife and said, "Aww hell Fanny, let's go!"
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Old 23-04-2016, 23:51   #1260
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Re: The New Joke Thread

MeanwhileInCyberspace....

Life is like soccer because my
mom signed me up for it and
expects me to try my best even
though I hate eff'ing soccer.
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