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Old 06-03-2016, 16:31   #1111
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Re: The New Joke Thread

And one in memory of svmaryane (Mary Ayne - ??)

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors: Bob, Bill and Debbie.
They manage to swim to a small island and live there for a a number of months doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several months of casual sex, all the time, Debbie started feeling absolutely horrible about what she was doing. It got worse and worse.
She felt having sex with both Bob and Bill was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Bill managed to get through it.

After a while, Bob and Bill's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more weeks went by and Bob and Bill began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Debbie.
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Old 06-03-2016, 17:16   #1112
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 06-03-2016, 20:35   #1113
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Therapy View Post
Went out last night, dressed to kill. ... . . . . . . . Beard, sandals, turban and backpack.
Did you say "SILENCE! I keeeeel you!"?
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Old 07-03-2016, 00:47   #1114
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Therapy View Post
Went out last night, dressed to kill. ... . . . . . . .
Beard, sandals, turban and backpack.
I find this so-called "joke" offensive on multiple levels, from racist, to stereotyping, to a slap in the face for all those coalition troops on overseas assignment - including my son who's on his eff'ing FORTH tour of duty in the middle east with the US Army - together fighting the scourge called terrorism and despotic wanna-be regimes.

Oh. Wait..... That's actually a pretty funny joke. Dressed to kill....
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Old 07-03-2016, 01:01   #1115
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The "poll" on banning me from this thread seems to be in a statistical dead heat. So, while the votes are being tallied here's a little something:


Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery .
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.
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Old 07-03-2016, 01:17   #1116
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Re: The New Joke Thread

And back to the middle east....


Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived the two fathers made a bet -- in a year's time whichever family had become more American would win.

A year later they meet.

The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"

The second man replied, "Eff you, towelhead."





Still time to vote... and you might want to read the comments before casting your ballots - really. Or hey.... Maybe chime in with opinions!
Poll: Ban from Joke Thread?
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Old 07-03-2016, 01:21   #1117
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the Waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke! !" He too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"

The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my tab."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability."
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Old 07-03-2016, 01:37   #1118
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands, but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA (American Dental Association) found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing so hard, and tore up the warning ticket.
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Old 07-03-2016, 01:46   #1119
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so.. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

The old man said: "I thought it was GAS........... but I was wrong."
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Old 07-03-2016, 02:01   #1120
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Therapy View Post
And one in memory of svmaryane (Mary Ayne - ??)
In memory of? To whom, pray tell, do you refer? If I, svmariane, then I assure you, sir, that "The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated."


Lordy... Never thought I'd have reason to quote THAT from Mark Twain!
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Old 07-03-2016, 23:32   #1121
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Re: The New Joke Thread

TOP COUNTRY SONGS

8. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

7. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

6. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

5. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

4. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

3. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

2. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

1. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
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Old 07-03-2016, 23:37   #1122
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Young lad goes into the Catholic Church for confession.....

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads".
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Old 07-03-2016, 23:53   #1123
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Oh, c'mon.... Nobody else has a joke to share?
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Old 08-03-2016, 00:00   #1124
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Re: The New Joke Thread

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."




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Old 08-03-2016, 02:41   #1125
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
TOP COUNTRY SONGS

8. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

7. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

6. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

5. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

4. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

3. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

2. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

1. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now


I thought #1 was "My woman left me for my best friend and took my horse, my dog, all my beer and my pickup truck, too"

and #9 is "I thought I got rid of you for good, but the dog keeps digging you back up"

#10 is "I finally got rid of the old nag, but I'll never get rid of my horse."
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