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Old 02-03-2016, 12:47   #1096
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


Deja Poo: Not this **** again?
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Old 02-03-2016, 12:55   #1097
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey!?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said,
"So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
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Old 02-03-2016, 13:20   #1098
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by unclemack View Post


Deja Poo: Not this **** again?
Vouja de?

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Old 02-03-2016, 13:29   #1099
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Re: The New Joke Thread

[MILDLY CRUDE HUMOR; Fair Warning]

So, I'm not sure if this has already been posted, but I overheard an old timer tell it to a waitress at a burger joint recently.

- What do men have in common with floor tile?

- I don't know, what?

- If you lay him right the first time you get to walk all over him for the rest of his life.

Super funny and totally true. The best flavor of humor imo.
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Old 04-03-2016, 23:24   #1100
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
So some friends were sitting around the pub having a few beers. Next round came about and was delivered by the new waitress, who, truth be told, is a mighty fine looking lass. Now guys being guys there arose a bit of speculation. George, well, he said that he helped her just the other night. Got our attention, that.
So we're in the pub again, this time on a Monday eve, and George - Remember George? Introduced back in Post 1083? - Well he says that for awhile he was friends with this guy Junior Samples down Georgia way. Says Junior explained things about work and life in ways a man could understand. So George listened to Junior, and he done that, you know, cut back on working hours 'cause work was a-gettin' in the way of his fishing.

Anyway, we were trying to have a quiet talk, being a Monday like I said, but this waitress kept on interrupting things. Not the lass from a'for, the fine looking young thing? Heck no, this is the gal who handles Sundays & Mondays. The slow nights. And that fits her just about perfect 'cause when she's delivering our beer... man oh man, might as well brew our own 'cause she's slower than a nudist trying to climb a barbed wire fence.

And the way she does go on! Interrupting us like I said.... Heck, don't want to be unkind but her mouth is so big whenever she smiles she gets lipstick in her ears. Mercy. And all that trash-talk she gives about the new waitress? Well pot meet kettle 'cause we saw her a'way back when SHE was new and slipping out the back door with her boss and by the time she could say she's not that kind of girl...
she was.


¯\_(ツ)_/¯


Need a new car? Call Junior Samples at BR - 549


For more comedic material & stories check out my blog at.....

Oh. Wait.... I don't have a blog.

.
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Old 04-03-2016, 23:30   #1101
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Probably gonna get me in trouble, but....


Two girls, Rosy and Nina are talking before going out.

Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, "I think I'm going to see a dietician."

Nina asked, "Why?"

Rosy answered, "Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories there are in sperm."

Nina replied, "I really have no clue, but if you’re swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you’re a little chunky."

Or not.
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Old 04-03-2016, 23:32   #1102
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes.

Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree.
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Old 04-03-2016, 23:47   #1103
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Re: The New Joke Thread

#GraffitiEverywhere......

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum
to do rimshots during the vows.

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Old 04-03-2016, 23:51   #1104
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A Pentecostal minister was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Newfie asked for a rum & coke, which was poured and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."


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Old 05-03-2016, 23:45   #1105
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Cross link: Poll: Ban from Joke Thread?
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Old 06-03-2016, 09:28   #1106
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 06-03-2016, 15:40   #1107
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Challenge: this just popped into my mind, and what better place to get rid of it?

A couple of lines from my mis-spent youth; there were more but I've forgotten them:

- She was only a bootlegger's daughter, but I love her still ...

- She was only a telegrapher's daughter, but she didit, didit, didit ...

Any ideas for nautical themes - sailor's daughter, harbour master's daughter, etc? No misogyny intended, can be sons if you prefer.
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Old 06-03-2016, 16:26   #1108
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Re: The New Joke Thread

She was only a minister's daughter, but she screwed the devil right out of him...

She was only the harbor master's daughter, but she gave refuge to more sailors than her father ever did...

She was only the headmaster's daughter, but she was truly the master of head...
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Old 06-03-2016, 16:26   #1109
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".
Irish Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his
Latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.
"How does that feel?" he asks.
“Lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear!"
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Old 06-03-2016, 16:27   #1110
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Went out last night, dressed to kill. ... . . . . . . . Beard, sandals, turban and backpack.
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