The New Joke Thread

[Buzzman]

No Howitzers?

No Grenade launchers?

No ambulances. When I shoot you, you gonna stay dead!

[svmariane]

Top ten little known facts:

10) The best place to Stop, Drop and Roll is down a hill because your screams of pain turn into screams of fun about halfway down.

9) Cats knock stuff off tables because they're studying gravity.
They're not jerks.
They're scientists.

8) Bank tellers can also be called fortune tellers.

7) Little known should be hyphenated.

6) If you inflate a bouncy castle on a trampoline you can bounce to the moon.
NASA doesn't want you to know this because they don't want the competition.

5) Shark heaven and scuba diver hell are the same place.

4) If you check out all the books in a library you can start your own library.

3) Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, but give a fish a man and he'll be all like WTF is this I ordered worms I can't eat this!

2) My wife went shopping.
But she forgot to hide the bourbon bottle.
I'm drunk.
And on line.
And nobody can stop me posting stuff on the internet!
BWA HA HA HA !!!



And the number one little-known fact is:

(drat... what was it now...... Oh, heck - Just repeat #2)



Valentine's Day Bonus

This Valentine's Day forget the flowers and
give her what she REALLY wants...


A throne forged from the bones of her enemies and

a relentless reign of terror over the masses!





And, of course, always beware of Trolls.....

[svmariane]

So anyway, thought I'd check out those internet dating sites and see what all the fuss is about. Man, I'll tell you... Things have really changed since I was last in the dating scene. For example, take a look at these "Dating Tips":

[socaldmax]

I don't blame her...

[Buzzman]

Did you know Monica was a budding sailor?

She thought Bill said "seamen"........

[ontherocks83]

you have to wonder where she lives or how she even goes out grocery shopping with out being snickered at on a daily basis. i cant imagine the comments i wouldn't be able to contain if I ran into her at the store. there's just too many seamen jokes not to share.

[Buzzman]

And she can never wear blue for fear people will ask, is it "that dress"..??

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

And she can never wear blue for fear people will ask, is it "that dress"..??

She's turned herself into a very public figure again:

Bustle

[Buzzman]

How interesting! I heard she'd become a hairdresser, so she could give blow jobs *every* day.....

[Emerald Sea]

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the chimps into the lions’ enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions’ cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?" The other lion replies, "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

[Curious Sailor]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

I don't blame her...

Lmao Lmao!!!

[D&D]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two
Of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.


The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out,'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.

After the curator left, an old Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish Coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by D&D

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two
Of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.


The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out,'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.

After the curator left, an old Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish Coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

Was he dating Monica Lweinsky?

[ben373]

Kinda makes ya proud to be an Aussie!



Three Aussie blokes are working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, stone me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife. '

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer. Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?' 'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead, and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, 'you must be Coot's widow.' She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.


Sent from my GT-N5120 using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

[svmariane]

All this modern technology, well, I don't know....

I'll never forget the night that I use my iPad to watch porn after my wife went to sleep. Weird thing was that I got no sound. Even after I turned the volume all the way up, still nothing. When I was wondering what's going on, my wife came out of the bedroom with the Bose Soundlink BlueTooth speaker in her right hand.

At that moment, I suddenly realized something.....