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Old 14-01-2016, 14:25   #976
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Back in my younger days (early 1999 to be more precise) I had a business trip to Hawaii for a couple of weeks. I was dating a hot little blonde at the time (we hooked up at our 20 yr HS reunion) and I brought her with me for some fun. I took her to all of the bars in Waikiki for drinks and dancing, all of my favorite restaurants all over Oahu and did quite a bit of shopping, in addition to getting wild on every horizontal surface in the hotel suite.

The weekend rolled around and I decided to take her on a hike to Sacred Falls, about a 6 mi RT hike up into the mountains along a stream to a beautiful waterfall. We brought my waterproof camera and proceeded up the trail. As soon as we started, it started raining, so I cautioned her that we needed to keep up the pace to get in and out before the rains got worse and we got caught in a flash flood.

By the time we got to the waterfall, the rains were coming down pretty good, the waterfall was looking pretty muddy, so we snapped a couple of pics and hustled on out of there. The stream had gotten much larger and a few areas where we needed to cross over had gotten pretty hairy. At one of the worst crossings, my date had slipped off the log and dropped into the stream. Her eyes got huge but before she could get washed away, I took a big swing at her arm, snagged her by the forearm and yanked her back out of the water, as she gasped for breath!

She started gushing about how I had saved her life, but I kept her moving and we got out of there just before things really got raging and we would have been stuck in the canyon for the night. We got back to our hotel room, and she was unstoppable, showing her appreciation on the couch, the dining room table, on the balcony (in front of an audience from the building across from us!) and every time I turned around she was thanking me again and yanking clothes off!

After a few days of this, I jokingly told her that I had to pull her out of the water, she had my camera around her neck. Things got very chilly after that.

Apparently, I had grossly over estimated her sense of humor.































PS: About a month or 2 later there was a big flash flood and 8 people died in the canyon. It has never been reopened to the public since then.
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Old 14-01-2016, 14:37   #977
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Irish Mirror (i.e. humour at the expense of the Irish...)
After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old
Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin ...
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.
Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image
Staring back at him.
'How 'bout that! He exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the
Way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
The shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go
There and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the
Mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch
he's running around with.'
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Old 14-01-2016, 16:49   #978
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 15-01-2016, 12:06   #979
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 16-01-2016, 12:24   #980
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Re: The New Joke Thread

If you've ever seen the series "Making a Murderer", this will make more sense to you...
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Old 17-01-2016, 17:07   #981
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Re: The New Joke Thread

What deep thinkers men are...

Finally I pondered an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful thana guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,"It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.
Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.
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Old 17-01-2016, 18:37   #982
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Scaredycat, you are truly the Enlightened One. I would have never have considered that angle.
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Old 21-01-2016, 01:22   #983
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Re: The New Joke Thread

>> Manure... An interesting fact

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> It was shipped dry, because in dry form it
>> weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it,
>> not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation
>> began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the
>> stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and
>> did) happen.
>>
>> Methane began to build up below decks and the first
>> time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
>>
>>
>> Several ships were destroyed in this manner before
>> it was determined just what was happening.
>>
>> After that, the bundles of manure were always
>> stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which
>> meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so
>> that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile
>> cargo and start the production of methane.
>>
>>
>> Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In
>> Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to
>> this very day.
>>
>> You probably did not know the true history of this
>> word.
>>
>> Neither did I.
>>
>> I had always thought it was a golf term.
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Old 22-01-2016, 02:35   #984
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Re: The New Joke Thread

#MeanwhileInTheCockpit...

This past spring, ground control at Washington Dulles had aircraft backed in a line 15 to 20 aircraft long for departure. When asked by a commuter pilot for the reason for the delay, the controller stated in a stern tone on ground frequency “We got into a P***ing contest with Potomac approach and approach won. Everybody expect indefinite delays”. After this transmission, there were no more questions asked.
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Old 22-01-2016, 02:38   #985
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Re: The New Joke Thread

#MeanwhileInTheCockpit...

SR-71 stories are always impressive, if nothing else. Following is a good one I heard from an Air Force crew chief who had worked on them, as told from the pilot's vantage point.

Most people think that no matter how fast you go, you always want to go faster; but that's only true to a point. More than once, I've looked out ahead of the sled and seen a speck way off in the distance that quickly transformed into a blurred image of a weather balloon zooming down our right side. Thankfully, we weren't flying a half degree more to our right. In any case, we do go fast.

I remember listening to radio traffic on LA Center's frequency when a light single innocently asked Center for his ground track. After a momentary pause, Center replied, "November 1234A, showing you at... an impressive 138 across the ground."

Well, guys being guys, it wasn't but a second before a twin called up and asked for his speed. "November 5678B, showing you at 195."

Not to be outdone, a Navy jet called up and asked for his. "Vixen 34, showing you at 394."

It was then that I heard the all-too-familiar click of the VHF trigger in the back seat. "Center, Aspen 20, ground track, please." There was a long pause before the reply, "Aspen,... one thousand, seven hundred thirty eight."

The moments following that transmission were the quietest I can ever remember on LA's frequency.
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Old 22-01-2016, 05:21   #986
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I used to do test flights out of Ft Hood Tx., as it required me to climb to an altitude to where you could limit the engine, meaning engine power was less than the transmission limit and both pilots were "inside of the cockpit" watching instruments and recording notes I'd flight follow with Houston Center, so we didn't hit any other traffic.

Positive control area is 18,000 to 60,000 ft, where you must be in contact with Center at all times, but it does have the ceiling of 60,000 ft, established long ago, as well nothing can fly that high.

One day I heard a transmission to Houston Center of Valkyrie or some other call sign requesting FL 540 or so, which is awfully high. Centers response was a laughing, "Buddy if you can up get there, it's all yours"

Valkyrie came back with "Roger, out of 680 for 540" or similar.

I figured it had to be either a NASA SR-71 or a U-2.


Went to a talk given by the guy who wrote the book sled driver.
One of his comments was, you have never been lost until you have been lost at Mach 3.
I guess by the time you figure out where you are, your're not there anymore
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Old 22-01-2016, 06:08   #987
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Dad, did you know ... in other countries you don't know who your wife is until you get married.

It's like that everywhere, son.
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Old 22-01-2016, 15:09   #988
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by a64pilot View Post
I used to do test flights out of Ft Hood Tx., as it required me to climb to an altitude to where you could limit the engine, meaning engine power was less than the transmission limit and both pilots were "inside of the cockpit" watching instruments and recording notes I'd flight follow with Houston Center, so we didn't hit any other traffic.

Positive control area is 18,000 to 60,000 ft, where you must be in contact with Center at all times, but it does have the ceiling of 60,000 ft, established long ago, as well nothing can fly that high.

One day I heard a transmission to Houston Center of Valkyrie or some other call sign requesting FL 540 or so, which is awfully high. Centers response was a laughing, "Buddy if you can up get there, it's all yours"

Valkyrie came back with "Roger, out of 680 for 540" or similar.

I figured it had to be either a NASA SR-71 or a U-2.


Went to a talk given by the guy who wrote the book sled driver.
One of his comments was, you have never been lost until you have been lost at Mach 3.
I guess by the time you figure out where you are, your're not there anymore


At those speeds, it's probably faster just to go around the world again than to try to make a u-turn. LOL
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Old 22-01-2016, 16:24   #989
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This is the best terrorist recruiting video EVER.


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Old 22-01-2016, 17:32   #990
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Km

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app
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