The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

When I drink water...

[socaldmax]

You find it offensive...

[goat]

^^^^and when I pour a bottle of fine Scotch whiskey over a mates grave after his funeral I filter it through my kidneys first.

[socaldmax]

Every loaf of bread...

[socaldmax]

Glow sticks...

[socaldmax]

If at any time...

[socaldmax]

Just because...

[socaldmax]

Calvin...

[socaldmax]

Dude!

[socaldmax]

How did they?

[socaldmax]

Exercise?

[socaldmax]

Mom...

[LakeSuperior]

Infinity...what a concept!

[socaldmax]

This is a true story.


Back in the old days when men had "DBF" (sub sailor for "Diesel Boats Forever") tattooed on their forearms, boats were steel and men were iron. Boats (never ship) had 2 screws and were easily maneuvered in and out of port under their own power.

Later submarines were nuclear powered, including SSN-594 class (all named after fish), SSN-637 (also named after fish and probably the most favored by sub crews) and SSN-688 class, which were all named after US cities. 594 and 637 class sailors liked to disparagingly refer to 688 sailors as "high heeled city boat sailors" due to the advancements in technology, there was a lot less manual valve control and a lot more button pushing. All of these later classes of boats only have one screw and require at least one tug, usually two, to enter and exit port.

I was a 594 sailor, then went to shore duty to teach at NAVSUBTRACENPAC in Pearl Harbor, HI. One of the officers from my boat was an accident waiting to happen, he just never seemed to be fully situationally aware. He got promoted and sent to a 688 boat, where rumors were that he had become even more dangerous and stubborn.

One day I was in a hangar at Ford Island and watched as his boat slowly headed out of Pearl Harbor, getting pushed out by 2 tugs, when suddenly the lights in the building blinked once, then went out! I jokingly said to the guy next to me, "I bet they dragged anchor and yanked out the power cord for all of Ford island!" "Nah! That's nearly impossible, I bet it's buried really deep!" Since this happened in mid-afternoon, we had to release all of the students early for the day.

The next day we all came to work and they had just restored power to Ford island and the work crews were getting on the small boat that all of us had just climbed off of. I asked one of the workers what had happened. He said, "The sub that was leaving port about 2 pm yesterday dragged it's anchor, snagged the submerged power cable and broke it."

You could have knocked me over with a feather!

[socaldmax]

Back in my younger days (early 1999 to be more precise) I had a business trip to Hawaii for a couple of weeks. I was dating a hot little blonde at the time (we hooked up at our 20 yr HS reunion) and I brought her with me for some fun. I took her to all of the bars in Waikiki for drinks and dancing, all of my favorite restaurants all over Oahu and did quite a bit of shopping, in addition to getting wild on every horizontal surface in the hotel suite.

The weekend rolled around and I decided to take her on a hike to Sacred Falls, about a 6 mi RT hike up into the mountains along a stream to a beautiful waterfall. We brought my waterproof camera and proceeded up the trail. As soon as we started, it started raining, so I cautioned her that we needed to keep up the pace to get in and out before the rains got worse and we got caught in a flash flood.

By the time we got to the waterfall, the rains were coming down pretty good, the waterfall was looking pretty muddy, so we snapped a couple of pics and hustled on out of there. The stream had gotten much larger and a few areas where we needed to cross over had gotten pretty hairy. At one of the worst crossings, my date had slipped off the log and dropped into the stream. Her eyes got huge but before she could get washed away, I took a big swing at her arm, snagged her by the forearm and yanked her back out of the water, as she gasped for breath!

She started gushing about how I had saved her life, but I kept her moving and we got out of there just before things really got raging and we would have been stuck in the canyon for the night. We got back to our hotel room, and she was unstoppable, showing her appreciation on the couch, the dining room table, on the balcony (in front of an audience from the building across from us!) and every time I turned around she was thanking me again and yanking clothes off!

After a few days of this, I jokingly told her that I had to pull her out of the water, she had my camera around her neck. Things got very chilly after that.

Apparently, I had grossly over estimated her sense of humor.































PS: About a month or 2 later there was a big flash flood and 8 people died in the canyon. It has never been reopened to the public since then.