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Old 11-01-2016, 19:54   #946
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Well damn if I weren't such a polack I would be able to look up what gormless meant.

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Old 11-01-2016, 20:00   #947
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My wife said, "I think it's about time you had a word with (our grand-kid) about the birds and the bees."

"Can't you do it?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "It's you who needs the pointers."
.....

So I found out that the kid was going through sex education classes at school. Pretty amazing what they teach youg'uns nowadays. But they still leave out the important stuff. So we had a bit of a chat......

For example, she asked my advice on how to deal with unwanted sexual advances. That's easy, I answered. Get married.
.....

We turned on the Sex education show on channel 5. The two female presenters keep saying that they are 'experts in sex'. I wondered: Is that another way of saying 'We're a pair of sluts'?
.....

Why is it that schools are always encouraging parents/guardians to get involved with teaching their children about sex education. But they are the first to phone the police when they find out you gave them a practical lesson?
......

My first experience of sex was a lot like learning how to swim.
Once I got the breast-stroke right I was ready for the deep end.
.....


Helpful tips I would have given if she was a he:

If you're on a summer camping holiday and the attractive young lady in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot, she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.

I appear in court next Wednesday.
......

For a happy sex life, remember:

Make sure the room is cool

Avoid noises

Always start with foreplay

Give her enough loving so that she's ready for sex

Start slowly and then get wild (if she wants)

And then get back home on time, else your wife's going to kill you.
.....

Don't ever ever call your wife/girlfriend by another girl's name. Or you'll never have sex again.
......

And when you think you've finished - you haven't. She's going to want to talk for three hours. Better do that. Or you'll never have sex again.

Which brings up one last point: You know why every man's fantasy is having sex with two women? Not that it'll be so much fun but so that they'll have someone to talk to afterwards.






Edit: I realized that the above was politically incorrect in that our grand-daughter might develop a relationship with another girl. My apologies.


But really.... that would ruin most of the jokes!
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Old 11-01-2016, 22:47   #948
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My first experience of sex was scary....
It was cold
It was dark
And I was all alone.
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Old 11-01-2016, 23:22   #949
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Re: The New Joke Thread

They were called Barking Spiders in my part of the country.
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Old 11-01-2016, 23:42   #950
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Re: The New Joke Thread

What's the definition of a "Australian Kiss"

Well, it's a French kiss.... just "down under"

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Old 12-01-2016, 01:55   #951
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Re: The New Joke Thread

why do men go bald?

too many u-turns under the sheets
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Old 12-01-2016, 21:21   #952
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackie Swart View Post
What's the definition of a "Australian Kiss"

Well, it's a French kiss.... just "down under"

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Old 12-01-2016, 22:59   #953
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Petty Revenge....


I work at a furniture store and when I have rude customers I purposely decline their credit card multiple times just to watch them panic.

****
I work at a clothing store and sometimes when I get a shitty customer I purposely leave the security tags on their clothes so the alarm goes off when they try to leave the store.

****
I worked as a waitress in cocktail bar and I absolutely hated it there. My employers clearly did not give a sh*t about their employees and would regularly violate health and safety (H&S) rules. So when I quit I received my last pay check but they did not give me my holiday pay (which in fact is illegal where I live). I asked my former manager several times but he chose not to reply to me. So I rang the health and safety executive (HSE), filled out their form and told them about the various H&S guidelines my ex-employer had breached e.g the blocking of fire exits…etc I had photographic evidence because I feared such a day would come. The HSE informed me that they will be doing a surprise audit on the premises. H&S is taken quite seriously in my country and with the photos I have at the very least I’m expecting they’ll get a 20k fine. They could’ve just paid me.

****
I was at the post office one day when an elderly lady in front of me asked for a single stamp. Obviously considering this a waste of her time, the woman behind the counter makes a snorting noise, rips off a stamp and flicks it across the counter where it lands on the floor. She doesn’t apologize or offer the lady another stamp. The old lady considers for a second, picks up the stamp and leaves her 50 cent piece on the floor in its place. She says a cheery “Thank you!” and walks out, and the woman behind the counter has to walk around to pick up the money. It made me smile for the rest of the day.
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Old 12-01-2016, 23:19   #954
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Social media isn't ALL bad.

Some lifts from Twitter.... And yes, I know some weird people.


The Internet has made it easy to search for porn. In my day, we had to look up "breasts" and "sex" in the dictionary.

I think I might just start using the word 'ecumenical' and then try to figure out what it means based on people's reactions.

I gained weight, which means there's more of me than there used to be, which is pretty cool cause I'm great.

Accidentally followed someone else's dreams.

Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no.

I'm a world traveler. A resident of a plane of existence. A tenant of the universe. But, yes, for this job application, I live in my car.

I learned only one thing in private school, and obviously I can't tell you what it is because it's private.

I'd have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.

Sometimes I think I'm smart, like maybe I've got this life thing down, and then the ice cubes hit me in the face when I take a sip of water.
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Old 12-01-2016, 23:36   #955
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Re: The New Joke Thread

CAUTION: PLEASE SKIP THIS SECTION IF YOU ARE SUSCEPTIBLE TO TWITTER OVERDOSE

Built a TV news desk in the living room. Area wife very upset.

Hey autocorrect, how about you stop worrying about my typing and start worrying about my driving.

The whales know they are being watched and are no happier with a surveillance state than we are.

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving.

Sorry I can't take your call, I've stepped away from my desk until the phone stops ringing.
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Old 12-01-2016, 23:49   #956
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Re: The New Joke Thread

motivation - depends on the individual

We travel not to escape life but to escape people.

I always asked why birds stay in the same place if they can fly,
then I realized that they must not hate people as much as I do.

No-one looks back on their lives and remembers
the nights they got plenty of sleep.


Wait...... oops, my bad. This is the joke thread.

Gotta go.....
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Old 13-01-2016, 01:17   #957
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
Petty Revenge....


I work at a furniture store and when I have rude customers I purposely decline their credit card multiple times just to watch them panic.

****
I work at a clothing store and sometimes when I get a shitty customer I purposely leave the security tags on their clothes so the alarm goes off when they try to leave the store.

****
I worked as a waitress in cocktail bar and I absolutely hated it there. My employers clearly did not give a sh*t about their employees and would regularly violate health and safety (H&S) rules. So when I quit I received my last pay check but they did not give me my holiday pay (which in fact is illegal where I live). I asked my former manager several times but he chose not to reply to me. So I rang the health and safety executive (HSE), filled out their form and told them about the various H&S guidelines my ex-employer had breached e.g the blocking of fire exits…etc I had photographic evidence because I feared such a day would come. The HSE informed me that they will be doing a surprise audit on the premises. H&S is taken quite seriously in my country and with the photos I have at the very least I’m expecting they’ll get a 20k fine. They could’ve just paid me.

****
I was at the post office one day when an elderly lady in front of me asked for a single stamp. Obviously considering this a waste of her time, the woman behind the counter makes a snorting noise, rips off a stamp and flicks it across the counter where it lands on the floor. She doesn’t apologize or offer the lady another stamp. The old lady considers for a second, picks up the stamp and leaves her 50 cent piece on the floor in its place. She says a cheery “Thank you!” and walks out, and the woman behind the counter has to walk around to pick up the money. It made me smile for the rest of the day.


Fellow was standing in line in the check in at the airport in foreign country. Ahead of him was an american who was berating the poor clerk in horrible language telling him he was incompetent and idiot and worse.. The check-in clerk just kept smiling ,, was polite and checked him him, put luggage tags on his suitcase, smiled and said "have a nice flight""
The american left and our fellow got ot the desk and said, "look, I''m an american and I just want to apologize for the rudeness of that guy - I can assure you that not all americans are like that - please accept my apologies on my country''s behalf""
The clerk smiled and said "Don't worry,, I meet many americans here and generally they are very friendly and polite - he was just an exception.. But he is on his way to New York - his luggage,,on the other hand, is on its way to moscow""
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Old 13-01-2016, 18:19   #958
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Meanwhile, back in Osaka...
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Old 13-01-2016, 18:21   #959
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Why not...
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Old 13-01-2016, 21:43   #960
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
Why not...
I'm offended. Aghast. Perplexed. Somewhat sick to the stomach. And my religious sensibilities are affronted. Umbrage, I say! I take UMBRAGE!!!

Post # 359 is the epitome of... Oh heck...Keep em coming, socal.



Reminds me.... Back in the mid-eighties the company would send us to Bangkok for R&R. You know what a designated-driver might be? Well, we had a designated "Kthoey-warner". This was a Thai girl picked out during the noon-hour breakfast while everybody was still sober. Or not too badly hung over.

Simple plan: During the eve's festivities, if anybody got too drunk to tell the difference between a lady-boy and a real girl, then they were WAY too drunk to take any girl back to the hotel.

But even though "strong drink giveth the desire but taketh away the ability" some guys still wanted a girl for the night. Our pre-selected Thai girl would gently steer the drunk towards more, well, productive entertainment.

Worked a charm.
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