My wife said, "I think it's about time you had a word with (our grand-kid) about the birds and the bees."
"Can't you do it?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "It's you who needs the pointers."
So I found out that the kid was going through sex education classes
. Pretty amazing what they teach youg'uns nowadays. But they still leave out the important stuff. So we had a bit of a chat......
For example, she asked my advice on how to deal with unwanted sexual advances. That's easy, I answered. Get married.
We turned on the Sex education show on channel 5. The two female presenters keep saying that they are 'experts in sex'. I wondered: Is that another way of saying 'We're a pair of sluts'?
Why is it that schools are always encouraging parents/guardians to get involved with teaching their children
about sex education. But they are the first to phone
the police when they find out you gave them a practical lesson?
My first experience of sex was a lot like learning
how to swim.
Once I got the breast-stroke right I was ready for the deep end.
Helpful tips I would have given if she was a he:
If you're on a summer camping holiday and the attractive young lady in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot, she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.
I appear in court next Wednesday.
For a happy sex life, remember:
Make sure the room is cool
Always start with foreplay
Give her enough loving so that she's ready for sex
Start slowly and then get wild (if she wants)
And then get back home on time, else your wife's going to kill you.
Don't ever ever call your wife/girlfriend by another girl's name. Or you'll never have sex again.
And when you think you've finished - you haven't. She's going to want to talk for three hours. Better do that. Or you'll never have sex again.
Which brings up one last point: You know why every man's fantasy is having sex with two women? Not that it'll be so much fun but so that they'll have someone to talk to afterwards.
Edit: I realized that the above was politically incorrect in that our grand-daughter might develop a relationship with another girl. My apologies.
But really.... that would ruin most of the jokes!