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Old 09-01-2016, 14:01   #931
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by paulajayne View Post
Lucas repair kit.

LMAO!
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Old 09-01-2016, 18:07   #932
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Re: The New Joke Thread

On another topic, there's lot's of discussion of cats on this board, although not alway the kind I know best. For the other kind, "how to tell if a cat is male":
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Old 10-01-2016, 06:51   #933
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Wet Finger

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately
feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I took my finger back out and within seconds she was
going down on me.

I thought to myself,

"I really need a new boat!"
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Old 10-01-2016, 09:13   #934
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart."What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $15 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $30 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
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Old 10-01-2016, 09:15   #935
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Re: The New Joke Thread

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. There are our rules:-
Please note.... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. if we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing’, we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, its like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.
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Old 10-01-2016, 09:19   #936
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?", asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in..."
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Old 10-01-2016, 14:28   #937
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saleen411 View Post
Wet Finger


I thought to myself,

"I really need a new boat!"
Now that's a good one! Lol lol
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Old 10-01-2016, 19:29   #938
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Curious Sailor View Post
Now that's a good one! Lol lol
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Old 10-01-2016, 19:48   #939
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Curious Sailor View Post
Now that's a good one! Lol lol
I sent it to my wife of 45 years with a "guy joke" heading.
We shall see if it was a good idea or not...#
I forwarded the one from post #935 and received a printed response of the joke with handwritten "explanations".
It's OK, we had a good laugh.
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Old 11-01-2016, 09:50   #940
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Buzzman View Post
Think I'd rather be gay and drive a Prius than be one of those scum-sucking, red-necked, woman-hating, Muslim-hating, brain-dead, trailer-trash, Bible-bashing, gun-toting, Epsilon-Semi-Moronic, pick-up truck owners.

Not that I'm biased, intolerant or prone to stereo-typing mind you....




LOL
Quote:
Originally Posted by Buzzman View Post
a64

Yeah, but only for the drunken rednecks in their V8 pick-ups.....

The rest of us already knew this.....

WOW...........so for clarification do all red necks and muslim haters drive pick up trucks or are all pick up truck drivers automatically red necks and racist?

I still haven't been able to pick up the joke in all of that rant but maybe blatant, derogatory, insults are the new funny?

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
. I think I got most of them back in..."
The rare joke that makes you cringe, nauseated, and laugh all at the same time
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Old 11-01-2016, 09:56   #941
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Why do women fake orgasms?............




They think we give a S#&T
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Old 11-01-2016, 17:49   #942
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by ontherocks83 View Post
WOW...........so for clarification do all red necks and muslim haters drive pick up trucks or are all pick up truck drivers automatically red necks and racist?

I still haven't been able to pick up the joke in all of that rant but maybe blatant, derogatory, insults are the new funny?



The rare joke that makes you cringe, nauseated, and laugh all at the same time
It took me a moment also , but than I realized the tongue was firmly in cheek .
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Old 11-01-2016, 18:31   #943
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Boat names ... ...

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Old 11-01-2016, 18:34   #944
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Re: The New Joke Thread

...and moor? ...

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That's all for now ...
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Old 11-01-2016, 19:02   #945
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by jeanathon View Post
It took me a moment also , but than I realized the tongue was firmly in cheek .
Indeed it was..!! *VERY* firmly in cheek.....

The whole point of sterotypes is that they are preposterous.

Like the gormless Polack, or the stupid Irishman, or the drunken Australian.

Wait..! Now hang on a minute......



Australians all let us rejoice, for we are drunk and free....
In golden ale and lager we, find friends of you and me.

etc etc

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