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06-01-2016, 18:35
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#901
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Registered User
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the hard due to wife's medical condition.
Boat: Sold, alas, because life happens.
Posts: 1,829
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by Canibul
We're living in a world of gutless lemmings who not only let peer pressure run their lives, they actively seek it out.
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Gutless lemmings!
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry.
Laughter is the salve that keeps reality from scaring.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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06-01-2016, 18:37
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#902
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Registered User
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the hard due to wife's medical condition.
Boat: Sold, alas, because life happens.
Posts: 1,829
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Re: The New Joke Thread
One more - sort of applicable to the "likability" thread, no?
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry.
Laughter is the salve that keeps reality from scaring.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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06-01-2016, 20:53
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#903
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Moderator
Join Date: May 2012
Location: At sea somewhere in the Pacific
Boat: Jeanneau Sun Fast 40.3
Posts: 6,351
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by Buzzman
However I have been guilty of starting a Secret Society for my nephews and their mates....
It's a long story but it all started one night when I was nephew-sitting while my bro and his then missus went out for dinner.
After one of the boys let fly with a bum burp, I gave them my version of Brad Pitt in Fight Club, but changed the wording slightly.
We then got a bit carried away making up rules for 'Fart Club'.
The explanation behind the psuedo-name is that, in our family at least, the bum burp has always been known as "the mating cry of the barking gecko".
I changed the spelling to protect the innocent....
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right out of Calvin & Hobbs - except their secret society was something like WOSG (wipe out slimy girls)
__________________
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=carsten...ref=nb_sb_noss
Our books have gotten 5 star reviews on Amazon. Several readers have written "I never thought I would go on a circumnavigation, but when I read these books, I was right there in the cockpit with Vinni and Carsten"
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07-01-2016, 09:35
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#904
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Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Steinhatchee, FL
Posts: 385
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by carstenb
right out of Calvin & Hobbs - except their secret society was something like WOSG (wipe out slimy girls)
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G.R.O.S.S Get Rid Of Slimy girlS
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07-01-2016, 09:42
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#905
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Registered User
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Essex, England
Boat: Hartley Tahitian 48
Posts: 394
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Paddy and Mick were in a lifeboat after their Irish freighter had suddenly caught fire and sunk.
While he was rummaging about through the boats provisions Paddy found an old lamp and thought ...."Bejasus, why not?" and began to rub it furiously, sure enough out popped a genie.
The genie announced that on this occasion he was only able to grant just one wish. instead of the usual three.
Without hesitation, Paddy blurted out "Turn the entire ocean into Guinness"
The genie clapped his hands and suddenly the sea around them became foamy black Guinness.
As the genie disappeared Paddy leaned over the side and took a great long drink of the best Guinness he'd ever tasted in his life.
When he'd finished, he sat back, foam dripping from his chin...
Mick looked at Paddy with disgust and after several tension filled seconds... said....
"Nice going Paddy.....now we're gonna have to p*ss in the boat !!!"
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07-01-2016, 09:42
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#906
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Moderator
Join Date: May 2012
Location: At sea somewhere in the Pacific
Boat: Jeanneau Sun Fast 40.3
Posts: 6,351
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by Be Free
G.R.O.S.S Get Rid Of Slimy girlS
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Thank you as I get older my memory seems to lose important data like that
__________________
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=carsten...ref=nb_sb_noss
Our books have gotten 5 star reviews on Amazon. Several readers have written "I never thought I would go on a circumnavigation, but when I read these books, I was right there in the cockpit with Vinni and Carsten"
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07-01-2016, 09:51
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#907
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Senior Cruiser
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Thunder Bay, Ontario - 48-29N x 89-20W
Boat: (Cruiser Living On Dirt)
Posts: 49,139
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Q: How many climate sceptics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It's too early to say if the light bulb really needs changing, and if it would even be worth cost. (Besides, I'm not at fault)
Q: Why are Prius owners dangerous drivers?
A: They drive with one hand on the wheel, the other patting themselves on the back.
__________________
Gord May
"If you didn't have the time or money to do it right in the first place, when will you get the time/$ to fix it?"
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07-01-2016, 09:54
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#908
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Moderator Emeritus
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Jacksonville/ out cruising
Boat: Island Packet 38
Posts: 31,351
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Hey, I drive a Prius, but I do it because I'm a cheap Bastard.
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07-01-2016, 10:13
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#909
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Senior Cruiser
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Thunder Bay, Ontario - 48-29N x 89-20W
Boat: (Cruiser Living On Dirt)
Posts: 49,139
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by a64pilot
Hey, I drive a Prius, but I do it because I'm a cheap Bastard.
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Sorry A64.
I Bought a Prius, not because I care about the planet, because I wanted to use it to start my secret society bonfire. #Trumplebrags @midnight
When Trump is elected he will make Ikea sell all of their furniture assembled. Good luck fitting that futon in your Prius!
Q: What's the hardest part of driving a Prius?
A: Telling your parents that you're gay.
Once again, I apologize (sometimes, I just can't help myself)
__________________
Gord May
"If you didn't have the time or money to do it right in the first place, when will you get the time/$ to fix it?"
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07-01-2016, 13:03
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#910
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Warwick RI
Boat: Catalina 30
Posts: 1,873
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by GordMay
Q: What's the hardest part of driving a Prius?
A: Telling your parents that you're gay.
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HA!
__________________
-Si Vis Pacem Parabellum
-Molon Labe
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07-01-2016, 15:29
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#911
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Senior Cruiser
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Port Moresby,Papua New Guinea
Boat: FP Belize Maestro 43 and OPBs
Posts: 12,888
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Q: How many warmists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About 1000
5 to do the environmental impact assessment.
2 to approve the environmental impact assessment.
40 to mine the precious ores for the chinese Eco lightbulb.
6 workers on $3 per day to manufacture it.
32 to rig the sails on the Eco barge.
2 to drive the Nissan milk float from the dock taking 6 days to deliver because it needs a recharge every 100 miles.
1 to drive the rickshaw from the depot to the socket
1 electrician to replace the bulb after health and safety course
And the other 913 needed to go to an Eco conference in Bali paid by the ipcc to discuss the impact of the new bulb and the ways of offsetting the carbon released in it’s replacement
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07-01-2016, 15:31
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#912
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Senior Cruiser
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Port Moresby,Papua New Guinea
Boat: FP Belize Maestro 43 and OPBs
Posts: 12,888
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by GordMay
Q: How many climate sceptics does it take to change a lightbulb?
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None. In spite of millions of dollars worth of super-computers modelling that the lightbulb has burned out, politicians eager to tax us to death because the bulb will burn out unless we radically change our lifestyles, and regardless of a cabal of lightbulb scientists (worried that their jobs are in jeopardy) that are urging us that the bulb is about to hit a tipping point causing bulbs everywhere to go out (but, mysteriously, they won’t divulge their data or methods, thus causing everyone to remain “in the dark”), the skeptics prefer to use their eyes and see that the bulb is still burning brightly.
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07-01-2016, 15:42
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#913
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New South Wales, Australia
Boat: Still building
Posts: 1,557
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The New Joke Thread
Think I'd rather be gay and drive a Prius than be one of those scum-sucking, red-necked, woman-hating, Muslim-hating, brain-dead, trailer-trash, Bible-bashing, gun-toting, Epsilon-Semi-Moronic, pick-up truck owners.
Not that I'm biased, intolerant or prone to stereo-typing mind you....
LOL
They call them a "Pious" among some of my acquaintance, as only the holier-than-thou tend to drive them....
And a Leaf would be a better bet for the truly budget-conscious, as their range is better and is uncompromised, unlike the Prius with its gas engine.
But draw the charge for the Leaf's battery from your own solar panels, or you risk exacerbating the coal-fired power station emissions problem....
Of course, given whole-of-life-cycle-calculations done accurately and fairly, a thirty-year old V8 pick-up probably contributes less over it's life-cycle than the three Prius' (based on the claimed ten year battery life) replaced every ten years as the battery fails.....
And anyone who doesn't replace their car every ten years (never mind less) is probably doing the environment a favour, based on resource depletion and embodied energy cost.
Oh, and we cruising sailors who don't use jet aircraft to get from place to place...??? We probably have enough 'carbon credits' well and truly banked to spend all our onshore time in a V12 Ferrari sucking 10mpg....
Although catching the train is a good option if you want to be 'green'....
And would definitely be cheaper than refilling the Ferrari..!!
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07-01-2016, 17:24
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#914
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Marine Service Provider
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Blue Mountains, Australia
Boat: now skippering Syd Harbour charters
Posts: 1,557
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Re: The New Joke Thread
First time we heard about paraprosdokians, we liked them.
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them)
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Spread the Laughter,
Share the Cheer,
Let's Be Happy
While We're here!
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07-01-2016, 17:58
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#915
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Moderator Emeritus
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Jacksonville/ out cruising
Boat: Island Packet 38
Posts: 31,351
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The New Joke Thread
I drive a Prius because I'm cheap
And a C 3500 Chevy Duramax Diesel when I want to, so I guess I get it coming and going? Hard to pull a boat or RV with a Prius
I know this is a joke thread, but my 5 yr old Prius has 165,000 miles on it, assume it will last to 250,000. 50 mpg it will have burned 5,000 gl of fuel, assume $3 a gl, that is $15,000
Now assume instead I had an SUV that got 15 mpg, 250,000 miles is 16,666 gl, at $3 a gl is $50,000
Difference of $35,000, so the Prius was free.
Pretty sobering, huh?
Sent from my iPad Pro using Cruisers Sailing Forum
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