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Old 06-01-2016, 18:57   #901
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Re: The New Joke Thread

LOL, yeah, we don't exactly have them on this side of the Pacific....
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Old 06-01-2016, 19:35   #902
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Canibul View Post
We're living in a world of gutless lemmings who not only let peer pressure run their lives, they actively seek it out.
Gutless lemmings!
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Old 06-01-2016, 19:37   #903
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Re: The New Joke Thread

One more - sort of applicable to the "likability" thread, no?
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Old 06-01-2016, 21:53   #904
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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However I have been guilty of starting a Secret Society for my nephews and their mates....

It's a long story but it all started one night when I was nephew-sitting while my bro and his then missus went out for dinner.

After one of the boys let fly with a bum burp, I gave them my version of Brad Pitt in Fight Club, but changed the wording slightly.

We then got a bit carried away making up rules for 'Fart Club'.

The explanation behind the psuedo-name is that, in our family at least, the bum burp has always been known as "the mating cry of the barking gecko".

I changed the spelling to protect the innocent....
right out of Calvin & Hobbs - except their secret society was something like WOSG (wipe out slimy girls)
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Old 07-01-2016, 10:35   #905
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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right out of Calvin & Hobbs - except their secret society was something like WOSG (wipe out slimy girls)
G.R.O.S.S Get Rid Of Slimy girlS
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Old 07-01-2016, 10:42   #906
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Paddy and Mick were in a lifeboat after their Irish freighter had suddenly caught fire and sunk.

While he was rummaging about through the boats provisions Paddy found an old lamp and thought ...."Bejasus, why not?" and began to rub it furiously, sure enough out popped a genie.

The genie announced that on this occasion he was only able to grant just one wish. instead of the usual three.
Without hesitation, Paddy blurted out "Turn the entire ocean into Guinness"
The genie clapped his hands and suddenly the sea around them became foamy black Guinness.

As the genie disappeared Paddy leaned over the side and took a great long drink of the best Guinness he'd ever tasted in his life.
When he'd finished, he sat back, foam dripping from his chin...

Mick looked at Paddy with disgust and after several tension filled seconds... said....

"Nice going Paddy.....now we're gonna have to p*ss in the boat !!!"
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Old 07-01-2016, 10:42   #907
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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G.R.O.S.S Get Rid Of Slimy girlS
Thank you as I get older my memory seems to lose important data like that
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Old 07-01-2016, 10:51   #908
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Q: How many climate sceptics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It's too early to say if the light bulb really needs changing, and if it would even be worth cost. (Besides, I'm not at fault)

Q: Why are Prius owners dangerous drivers?
A: They drive with one hand on the wheel, the other patting themselves on the back.
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Old 07-01-2016, 10:54   #909
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Hey, I drive a Prius, but I do it because I'm a cheap Bastard.
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Old 07-01-2016, 11:13   #910
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Hey, I drive a Prius, but I do it because I'm a cheap Bastard.
Sorry A64.

I Bought a Prius, not because I care about the planet, because I wanted to use it to start my secret society bonfire. #Trumplebrags @midnight

When Trump is elected he will make Ikea sell all of their furniture assembled. Good luck fitting that futon in your Prius!

Q: What's the hardest part of driving a Prius?
A: Telling your parents that you're gay.

Once again, I apologize (sometimes, I just can't help myself)
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Old 07-01-2016, 14:03   #911
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Q: What's the hardest part of driving a Prius?
A: Telling your parents that you're gay.
HA!
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Old 07-01-2016, 16:29   #912
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Q: How many warmists does it take to change a light bulb?


A: About 1000
5 to do the environmental impact assessment.
2 to approve the environmental impact assessment.
40 to mine the precious ores for the chinese Eco lightbulb.
6 workers on $3 per day to manufacture it.
32 to rig the sails on the Eco barge.
2 to drive the Nissan milk float from the dock taking 6 days to deliver because it needs a recharge every 100 miles.
1 to drive the rickshaw from the depot to the socket
1 electrician to replace the bulb after health and safety course
And the other 913 needed to go to an Eco conference in Bali paid by the ipcc to discuss the impact of the new bulb and the ways of offsetting the carbon released in it’s replacement
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Old 07-01-2016, 16:31   #913
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Q: How many climate sceptics does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. In spite of millions of dollars worth of super-computers modelling that the lightbulb has burned out, politicians eager to tax us to death because the bulb will burn out unless we radically change our lifestyles, and regardless of a cabal of lightbulb scientists (worried that their jobs are in jeopardy) that are urging us that the bulb is about to hit a tipping point causing bulbs everywhere to go out (but, mysteriously, they won’t divulge their data or methods, thus causing everyone to remain “in the dark”), the skeptics prefer to use their eyes and see that the bulb is still burning brightly.
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Old 07-01-2016, 16:42   #914
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The New Joke Thread

Think I'd rather be gay and drive a Prius than be one of those scum-sucking, red-necked, woman-hating, Muslim-hating, brain-dead, trailer-trash, Bible-bashing, gun-toting, Epsilon-Semi-Moronic, pick-up truck owners.

Not that I'm biased, intolerant or prone to stereo-typing mind you....




LOL



They call them a "Pious" among some of my acquaintance, as only the holier-than-thou tend to drive them....

And a Leaf would be a better bet for the truly budget-conscious, as their range is better and is uncompromised, unlike the Prius with its gas engine.

But draw the charge for the Leaf's battery from your own solar panels, or you risk exacerbating the coal-fired power station emissions problem....



Of course, given whole-of-life-cycle-calculations done accurately and fairly, a thirty-year old V8 pick-up probably contributes less over it's life-cycle than the three Prius' (based on the claimed ten year battery life) replaced every ten years as the battery fails.....

And anyone who doesn't replace their car every ten years (never mind less) is probably doing the environment a favour, based on resource depletion and embodied energy cost.

Oh, and we cruising sailors who don't use jet aircraft to get from place to place...??? We probably have enough 'carbon credits' well and truly banked to spend all our onshore time in a V12 Ferrari sucking 10mpg....

Although catching the train is a good option if you want to be 'green'....

And would definitely be cheaper than refilling the Ferrari..!!
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Old 07-01-2016, 18:24   #915
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Re: The New Joke Thread

First time we heard about paraprosdokians, we liked them.
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them)



1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it


2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.


3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.


6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.


7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."


11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.


14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.


15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.


17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.


Spread the Laughter,
Share the Cheer,
Let's Be Happy

While We're here!
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