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Old 30-05-2015, 06:20   #76
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Re: The New Joke Thread

OK, I'll jump on the golfing bandwagon...an oldie but goodie.....


So there's this guy who golfs with his buddies every weekend, and his wife keeps bugging him to take her along and teach her to play. He finally relents, and the following Sunday finds them on the first tee. She's never played, so he tells her to go down to the ladies tees, watch him drive, and then try to do like he did. She goes down to the reds, the guy hooks his drive, and the ball hits his wife, killing her. The police come to investigate, and the coroner says, "It's the damnest thing I ever saw. There's an imprint on her temple, and you can read "Titlist 1." "That was my ball," the guy said. "What I don't understand," the coroner continued, "is the one on her hip that says "Titleist 3." "Oh," the guy replied, "that was my mulligan."
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Old 01-06-2015, 17:08   #77
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner


Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.


The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.


They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.


The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.


The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.


Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.


They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --



Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.







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Old 02-06-2015, 00:34   #78
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A wife is like a hand grenade... pull the ring and the house is gone.
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Old 02-06-2015, 01:10   #79
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A very devout blond is down on her luck so she prays "God, please let me win the lottery". The next week she hasn't won the lottery and the devout blond is even more down and out so she prays again "God, PLEASE Please let me win the lottery". The next week she is down right desperate and prays "God I need help badly, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me win the lottery".

A gentle voice comes from above... "Help me out here sweetheart, buy a ticket."
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Old 02-06-2015, 01:41   #80
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Three dogs running through the mud.

The first dog kicking mud in the second dog's face,
The second dog kicking mud in the third dog's face.

The second dog looks back at the third dog and says "Ain't it a bitch"

The third dog says "I hope so".
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Old 02-06-2015, 01:42   #81
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Re: The New Joke Thread

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Don't be ridiculous, Californians screw in hot tubs.
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Old 02-06-2015, 02:01   #82
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Three disciples are out in their boat fishing when they see Jesus walking out on the water. Mathew climbs out and walks out to Jesus, talks to him a moment and walks back, climbing back into the boat.

Mark climbs out of the boat and walks out to Jesus, talks to him a bit and walks back, climbing into the boat.

Luke wants to show he has the power too so he steps out of the boat and promptly sinks. Mathew grabs Luke by the collar, starts dragging him back into the boat, then turns to Mark and asks "You think we should show him where the rocks are?"
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Old 02-06-2015, 07:33   #83
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Tiger Woods arrived in Ireland for the Open Golf, he hired a big BMW at the airport and started to drive to the course, after a couple of hours the petrol light came on and he saw a sign on the road for fuel. He pulled up at this shanty old garage, and an ageing old Irishman came hobbling out and said "top of the morning to you sir, what do you need" "Fill her up " said Tiger. the old man said "Thats a grand looking motor car you got there sir, what kind is it " "Top of the range BMW " said Tiger. "Well its a lovely peice of machinery " "What does it do on that dashboard" said the old man" " Sports Control, heated seats, sat nav, electric seats, electric mirrors, electric sunroof, just about everything a man needs " said Tiger, " That will be 90 Euro's" so Tiger gave him a 100 euro note and said keep the change, at that moment he bent down to tie his shoelace and a golf tee fell out of his shirt pocket. the old man picked it up and said " And what will them be used for sir ??" "Well said Tiger, they are for putting my balls on when Im driving. "Incredible" said the old man " Them feckin BMW people think of everything "


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Old 02-06-2015, 09:22   #84
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Re: The New Joke Thread

How many sailors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to hold the light bulb, two to turn the ladder.
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Old 02-06-2015, 09:29   #85
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A guy decides to take up hunting so he buys a gun and gets a bear license and heads into the woods. Soon enough he spots a smallish brown bear. Lines up, pulls the trigger, down goes the bear.
He then feels a tap on his shoulder. Turns around and there's a big black bear. "that brown bear was my friend! Now you have a choice. Either I maul you to death or have violent sex with you. The man doesn't want to be mauled to death so...
He gets out of the hospital 3 weeks later after they stitch his backside together. He goes straight home,grabs his gun and back out into the woods. He finds that black bear and shoots it dead!
He feels a tap on his shoulder. There's a huge grizzly behind him. "That black bear was my friend! Now you have a choice, either I maul you to death or have violent sex with you" He definitely doesn't want to be mauled to death by a grizzly! So...
He gets out of the hospital 3 months later after they surgically restructure his backside. He goes straight home, grabs his gun and heads out into the woods. Finds the grizzly and shoots it dead. There is a tap on his shoulder. Behind him is the biggest polar bear he has ever seen. It says" Let's face it, you aren't here for the hunting, are you?"
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Old 02-06-2015, 20:19   #86
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Current events...


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Old 02-06-2015, 20:23   #87
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Maybe it's just me, but if Bruce is going to go to all of the trouble to undergo surgery and change sexes, he should have changed his name to Kaitlyn Kardashian and gotten bigger boobs than Kim.

Why just keep up with the Kardashians when you can surpass them, not only in notoriety but in cup size.
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Old 02-06-2015, 20:24   #88
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Speaking of golf...


will Caitlyn be teeing off of the women's tees?
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Old 02-06-2015, 22:24   #89
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Enough with the sexist patter guys, this is a joke thread, not the last resting place of Homo Chauvinismus..

[Ducks, quickly....]
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Old 02-06-2015, 23:19   #90
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Children Writing About the Ocean….

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an ******* on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better
off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has
just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right
up her big fat ass (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish Why the fish don't drown
I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
what he says he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom
(James, age 7)
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