Cruisers Forum
 


Closed Thread
  This discussion is proudly sponsored by:
Please support our sponsors and let them know you heard about their products on Cruisers Forums. Advertise Here
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Rating: Thread Rating: 8 votes, 4.38 average. Display Modes
Old 26-12-2015, 09:00   #856
Registered User
 
CHAZ's Avatar

Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: surprise
Boat: porta bote
Posts: 123
Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyMdRSailor View Post
HA HA!!!

These killed me !
Merry Christmas you two!
Thanks Ed,
we wish You, Holly and the boys a happy New Year.

And since we are on a sailing (cruising) forum something to bridge the "old year week".



Fair winds and a happy New Year to all
Jane & Martin
__________________
Water has no planks

CHAZ is offline  
Old 29-12-2015, 13:30   #857
Registered User
 
ontherocks83's Avatar

Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Warwick RI
Boat: Catalina 30
Posts: 1,873
Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
The Taliban precision rifle team....

https://www.facebook.com/RyoooD/videos/790577004310714/
That is priceless
__________________
-Si Vis Pacem Parabellum
-Molon Labe
ontherocks83 is offline  
Old 29-12-2015, 15:50   #858
Registered User
 
Curious Sailor's Avatar

Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Florida
Boat: Macgreggor Venture 22
Posts: 284
Re: The New Joke Thread

I'm laughing at some of these jokes even though I don't get them.... Lol
Curious Sailor is offline  
Old 29-12-2015, 23:06   #859
Registered User
 
44'cruisingcat's Avatar

Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 9,398
Images: 69
Re: The New Joke Thread

Which fairy tale character is a communist contraceptive?


Little Red Riding Hood.
__________________
"You CANNOT be serious!"


John McEnroe
44'cruisingcat is offline  
Old 30-12-2015, 09:07   #860
Moderator
 
Adelie's Avatar

Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: La Ciudad de la Misión Didacus de Alcalá en Alta California, Virreinato de Nueva España
Boat: Cal 20
Posts: 20,489
Re: The New Joke Thread

I bought an atomic clock, accurate to 1 billionth of a second.

Took it out of the box. Darn thing was ALREADY a billionth of a second slow.

Called Tech Suppport. They said,"Stand Closer".

It worked!
__________________
Num Me Vexo?
For all of your celestial navigation questions: https://navlist.net/
A house is but a boat so poorly built and so firmly run aground no one would think to try and refloat it.
Adelie is offline  
Old 30-12-2015, 12:12   #861
D&D
Marine Service Provider
 
D&D's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Blue Mountains, Australia
Boat: now skippering Syd Harbour charters
Posts: 1,557
Re: The New Joke Thread

Bob Hope
On his death bed they asked him where he wanted to be buried and he said. "Surprise me!"

ON TURNING 70
'I still chase women, but only downhill.'


ON TURNING 80

'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'


ON TURNING 90

'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'


ON TURNING 100

'I don't feel old. In fact
,I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING

'I ruined my hands in the ring.
The referee kept stepping on them.'


ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR

'Welcome to the Academy Awards,
or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'


ON GOLF

'Golf is my profession.
Show business is just to pay the green fees.'


ON PRESIDENTS

'I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.'
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR
HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,
Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'

ON RECEIVING THE
CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY

'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS

'That's how I learned to dance.
Waiting for the bathroom.'


ON HIS EARLY FAILURES

'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'

ON GOING TO HEAVEN

'I've done benefits for ALL religions.
I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

D&D is offline  
Old 30-12-2015, 15:07   #862
CF Adviser
 
Pelagic's Avatar

Join Date: Oct 2007
Boat: Van Helleman Schooner 65ft StarGazer
Posts: 10,280
Re: The New Joke Thread

Thanks for the memories D & D

..Bob Hope had that wonderful self effacing humor, that was part of the greatest generation
Pelagic is offline  
Old 30-12-2015, 15:16   #863
Senior Cruiser
 
StuM's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Port Moresby,Papua New Guinea
Boat: FP Belize Maestro 43 and OPBs
Posts: 12,888
Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adelie View Post
I bought an atomic clock, accurate to 1 billionth of a second.

Took it out of the box. Darn thing was ALREADY a billionth of a second slow.

Called Tech Suppport. They said,"Stand Closer".

It worked!
Nerd Alert!!!

You need to be less that 6 inches away from the clock to get the correct time since the speed of light is just under 30 cm or 1 ft per nanosecond.
StuM is offline  
Old 30-12-2015, 15:41   #864
CF Adviser
 
Pelagic's Avatar

Join Date: Oct 2007
Boat: Van Helleman Schooner 65ft StarGazer
Posts: 10,280
Re: The New Joke Thread

So THAT'S WHY my soft boiled eggs are never quite right!
Pelagic is offline  
Old 30-12-2015, 17:08   #865
Registered User
 
Mirage35's Avatar

Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sailing Lake Ontario
Boat: Mirage 35
Posts: 1,125
Re: The New Joke Thread

Okay, that's it, I'm going to have to start digging into the reserve. Here are a couple that I found, sent by a friend a while ago (okay, according to the e-mail time stamp it was in in 2006, yes I'm a hoarder). They are "corporate" lessons but probably apply everywhere.

Corporate lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in
a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands
Bob, the next-door neighbour.


Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband
says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.



Corporate Lesson 2:

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal stretch of leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the
church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and
seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.



Corporate Lesson 3:

A Sales Rep, an Administration Clerk, and the Manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the Admin. Clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the Sales Rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the
beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the
love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up next," the Genie says to the Manager.
The Manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.



Corporate Lesson 4:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?".

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very high up.



Corporate Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're
packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon a farmer, who spotted him, shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

__________________
Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here.
Mirage35 is offline  
Old 30-12-2015, 17:37   #866
Registered User
 
svmariane's Avatar

Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the hard due to wife's medical condition.
Boat: Sold, alas, because life happens.
Posts: 1,829
Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pelagic View Post
So THAT'S WHY my soft boiled eggs are never quite right!
<snort> Beer comes out of nose due to laugh/swallow interface control mechanism malfunction.
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry.
Laughter is the salve that keeps reality from scaring.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
svmariane is offline  
Old 30-12-2015, 18:35   #867
Registered User
 
svmariane's Avatar

Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the hard due to wife's medical condition.
Boat: Sold, alas, because life happens.
Posts: 1,829
Re: The New Joke Thread

{Found a source for aerocraft radio transmission, well, bloopers? }



Just after Trans States started flying UAX flights into ORD:

ATC: Waterski XXXX, right turn, taxi Bravo Echo runway 4L

Waterski: Roger, taxi Bravo, Echo 4L

(They then make the right turn onto A instead of B and they find themselves nose to nose with a AA 777 under tow from the hanger.)

Waterski: Uh, Waterski, uh, we made the right onto A, what would you like us to do?

ATC: I want you to go away....but that is not going to happen, now is it?
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry.
Laughter is the salve that keeps reality from scaring.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
svmariane is offline  
Old 30-12-2015, 18:37   #868
Registered User
 
svmariane's Avatar

Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the hard due to wife's medical condition.
Boat: Sold, alas, because life happens.
Posts: 1,829
Re: The New Joke Thread

Friend of mine was flying Captain of a 727 from A to B. The female ATC controller called them 3-4 times without a response.

She then loudly transmits "Airline 123, are you listening to me?"

He replies "Yes ma'am, we hear you."

She very sarcastically says "I called you 3-4 times and you didn't respond. Listen up!"

Without any delay he comes back with "I'm sorry ma'am, you sounded so much like my wife I was just naturally ignoring you."

A pause of 15 seconds occurs, then a male controller comes on and says "Roger Airline 123, I understand" with laughter in the background.
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry.
Laughter is the salve that keeps reality from scaring.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
svmariane is offline  
Old 30-12-2015, 18:46   #869
Registered User
 
svmariane's Avatar

Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the hard due to wife's medical condition.
Boat: Sold, alas, because life happens.
Posts: 1,829
Re: The New Joke Thread

ATC: "United heavy XXX traffic at 12, a Fokker f100, 5000'"

UNITED: "I've waited my whole life to say this, We have the little fokker in sight"
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry.
Laughter is the salve that keeps reality from scaring.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
svmariane is offline  
Old 30-12-2015, 18:50   #870
Registered User
 
svmariane's Avatar

Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the hard due to wife's medical condition.
Boat: Sold, alas, because life happens.
Posts: 1,829
Re: The New Joke Thread

We were going into LAS one day and had been following a Champion 727 for a while on frequency. The NFP (non flying pilot) talking on the radio had the highest, squeakiest voice I'd heard in some time.

All was well until they had to start down. LA center gave them several clearances and she screwed each read back at least once.

Finally, after the last clearance mistake some one came on and said "Honey, please put daddy back on the radio".
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry.
Laughter is the salve that keeps reality from scaring.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
svmariane is offline  
Closed Thread

Tags
boat

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Advertise Here


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:29.


Google+
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Social Knowledge Networks
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

ShowCase vBulletin Plugins by Drive Thru Online, Inc.