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Old 26-12-2015, 09:58   #856
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Charlotte Anne View Post
Hallo,

I've been lurking around a little while appreciating the jokes; thought I'd share one that made me laugh out loud:

Why did the plane crash? Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.
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Originally Posted by Charlotte Anne View Post
It's like GILow's joke about the stick. It's absurd and makes you laugh out loud. Or maybe it was just me.

Going back to my corner.
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Originally Posted by GordMay View Post
Greetings and welcome aboard the CF, Charlotte Anne.
No need to go back to your corner.
Well, actually, you don’t even get a corner, on CF, until you’ve posted 10 contributions.
Aww come Charlotte A, another eight jokes please.

Here, let me help you get started again

Q. Why do bees turn blue?

A. Because the higher they go, the fewer.
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Old 26-12-2015, 10:00   #857
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by HappyMdRSailor View Post
HA HA!!!

These killed me !
Merry Christmas you two!
Thanks Ed,
we wish You, Holly and the boys a happy New Year.

And since we are on a sailing (cruising) forum something to bridge the "old year week".



Fair winds and a happy New Year to all
Jane & Martin
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Old 29-12-2015, 14:30   #858
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
The Taliban precision rifle team....

https://www.facebook.com/RyoooD/videos/790577004310714/
That is priceless
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Old 29-12-2015, 16:50   #859
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I'm laughing at some of these jokes even though I don't get them.... Lol
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Old 30-12-2015, 00:06   #860
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Which fairy tale character is a communist contraceptive?


Little Red Riding Hood.
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Old 30-12-2015, 10:07   #861
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I bought an atomic clock, accurate to 1 billionth of a second.

Took it out of the box. Darn thing was ALREADY a billionth of a second slow.

Called Tech Suppport. They said,"Stand Closer".

It worked!
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Old 30-12-2015, 13:12   #862
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Bob Hope
On his death bed they asked him where he wanted to be buried and he said. "Surprise me!"

ON TURNING 70
'I still chase women, but only downhill.'


ON TURNING 80

'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'


ON TURNING 90

'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'


ON TURNING 100

'I don't feel old. In fact
,I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING

'I ruined my hands in the ring.
The referee kept stepping on them.'


ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR

'Welcome to the Academy Awards,
or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'


ON GOLF

'Golf is my profession.
Show business is just to pay the green fees.'


ON PRESIDENTS

'I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.'
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR
HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,
Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'

ON RECEIVING THE
CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY

'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS

'That's how I learned to dance.
Waiting for the bathroom.'


ON HIS EARLY FAILURES

'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'

ON GOING TO HEAVEN

'I've done benefits for ALL religions.
I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

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Old 30-12-2015, 16:07   #863
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Thanks for the memories D & D

..Bob Hope had that wonderful self effacing humor, that was part of the greatest generation
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Old 30-12-2015, 16:16   #864
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adelie View Post
I bought an atomic clock, accurate to 1 billionth of a second.

Took it out of the box. Darn thing was ALREADY a billionth of a second slow.

Called Tech Suppport. They said,"Stand Closer".

It worked!
Nerd Alert!!!

You need to be less that 6 inches away from the clock to get the correct time since the speed of light is just under 30 cm or 1 ft per nanosecond.
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Old 30-12-2015, 16:41   #865
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So THAT'S WHY my soft boiled eggs are never quite right!
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Old 30-12-2015, 18:08   #866
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Okay, that's it, I'm going to have to start digging into the reserve. Here are a couple that I found, sent by a friend a while ago (okay, according to the e-mail time stamp it was in in 2006, yes I'm a hoarder). They are "corporate" lessons but probably apply everywhere.

Corporate lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in
a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands
Bob, the next-door neighbour.


Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband
says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.



Corporate Lesson 2:

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal stretch of leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the
church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and
seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.



Corporate Lesson 3:

A Sales Rep, an Administration Clerk, and the Manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the Admin. Clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the Sales Rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the
beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the
love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up next," the Genie says to the Manager.
The Manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.



Corporate Lesson 4:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?".

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very high up.



Corporate Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're
packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon a farmer, who spotted him, shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

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Old 30-12-2015, 18:37   #867
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Pelagic View Post
So THAT'S WHY my soft boiled eggs are never quite right!
<snort> Beer comes out of nose due to laugh/swallow interface control mechanism malfunction.
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Old 30-12-2015, 19:35   #868
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Re: The New Joke Thread

{Found a source for aerocraft radio transmission, well, bloopers? }



Just after Trans States started flying UAX flights into ORD:

ATC: Waterski XXXX, right turn, taxi Bravo Echo runway 4L

Waterski: Roger, taxi Bravo, Echo 4L

(They then make the right turn onto A instead of B and they find themselves nose to nose with a AA 777 under tow from the hanger.)

Waterski: Uh, Waterski, uh, we made the right onto A, what would you like us to do?

ATC: I want you to go away....but that is not going to happen, now is it?
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Old 30-12-2015, 19:37   #869
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Friend of mine was flying Captain of a 727 from A to B. The female ATC controller called them 3-4 times without a response.

She then loudly transmits "Airline 123, are you listening to me?"

He replies "Yes ma'am, we hear you."

She very sarcastically says "I called you 3-4 times and you didn't respond. Listen up!"

Without any delay he comes back with "I'm sorry ma'am, you sounded so much like my wife I was just naturally ignoring you."

A pause of 15 seconds occurs, then a male controller comes on and says "Roger Airline 123, I understand" with laughter in the background.
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Old 30-12-2015, 19:46   #870
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Re: The New Joke Thread

ATC: "United heavy XXX traffic at 12, a Fokker f100, 5000'"

UNITED: "I've waited my whole life to say this, We have the little fokker in sight"
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