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Old 21-12-2015, 15:36   #841
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Current events...
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Old 21-12-2015, 15:52   #842
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Originally Posted by socaldmax
Let's try it again.

Why did the plane crash? Because the pilot was a radical Muslim.

Why did the flight attendant get a yeast infection? Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.
Yeah! Now it makes sense!
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Old 21-12-2015, 16:03   #843
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You know how you see those religious bumper stickers on the back of cars? Well I overheard this the other day in my neighborhood. " Jesus take the wheel!"



" Emilio get the rims!"
" Miguel take the stereo!"
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Old 21-12-2015, 16:53   #844
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
Current events...
You can imagine how well that went over in the Philippines
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Old 21-12-2015, 18:12   #845
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A older lady went to visit a friend.
After arriving her friend asks:
"Did you come on the bus?"
"Yes.., but I faked it as an asthma attack".
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Old 21-12-2015, 18:32   #846
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A guy came back from the service and met his buddy at the bar.
"So how was it in the service?"
"Not to bad, but in basics they had us jumping out of an airplane and when it was my turn I froze and I could not jump.
The drill sergeant behind me whispered in my ear:
"You jump now or i will screw you in your butt!"

"And did you jump?"



"A little."
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Old 21-12-2015, 19:24   #847
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A jewish girl goes to ask her dad for $100.00 for prom,
He replies,
$75 dollars?,what hell do you need $50.00 for?

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Old 21-12-2015, 19:31   #848
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I've always wondered about the validity of Viraga. But lately just watching the Viraga commercials I've been getting an eriction.

So, I've come to the conclusion, who needs a pill. Virago should just simply supply the women in their commercials. Any one that couldn't get an erection around one of those beauties is going to need more then a pill. I'd be more worried about a PE.
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Old 21-12-2015, 19:44   #849
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Re: The New Joke Thread

a modern take on an old story.........

Infant Discovered in Barn - Child Protection Services Launch Probe Nazareth Carpenter Being Held On Charges Involving Underage Mother (Dec 25) Associated Press. Bethlehem, Judea - Authorities were today alerted by a concerned citizen who noticed a family living in a barn. Upon arrival, Family Protective Service personnel, accompanied by police, took into protective care an infant child named Jesus, who had been wrapped in strips of cloth and placed in a feeding trough by his 14-year old mother, Mary of Nazareth. During the confrontation, a man identified as Joseph, also of Nazareth, attempted to stop the social workers. Joseph, aided by several local shepherds and some unidentified foreigners, tried to forestall efforts to take the child, but was restrained by the police. Also being held for questioning are three foreigners who allege to be wise men from an eastern country. The INS and Homeland Security officials are seeking information about these who may be in the country illegally. A source with the INS states that they had no passports, but were in possession of gold and other possibly illegal substances. They resisted arrest saying that they had been warned by God to avoid officials in Jerusalem and to return quickly to their own country. The chemical substances in their possession will be tested. The owner of the barn is also being held for questioning. The manager Bethlehem Inn faces possible revocation of his license for violating health and safety regulations by allowing people to stay in the stable. Civil authorities are also investigating the zoning violations involved in maintaining livestock in a commercially-zoned district. The location of the minor child will not be released, and the prospect for a quick resolution to this case is doubtful. Asked about when Jesus would be returned to his mother, a Child Protective Service spokesperson said, "The father is middle-aged and the mother definitely underage. We are checking with officials in Nazareth to determine what their legal relationship is. Joseph has admitted taking Mary from her home in Nazareth because of a census requirement. However, because she was obviously pregnant when they left, investigators are looking into other reasons for their departure. Joseph is being held without bond on charges of molestation, kidnapping, child endangerment, and statutory rape. Mary was taken to the Bethlehem General Hospital where she is being examined by doctors. Charges may also be filed against her for endangerment. She will also undergo psychiatric evaluation because of her claim that she is a virgin and that the child is from God. The director of the psychiatric wing said, "I don't profess to have the right to tell people what to believe, but when their beliefs adversely affect the safety and well-being of others - in this case her child - we must consider her a danger to others. The unidentified drugs at the scene didn't help her case, but I'm confidant that with the proper therapy regiment we can get her back on her feet." A spokesperson for the governor's office said, "Who knows what was going through their heads? But regardless, their treatment of the child was inexcusable, and the involvement of these others frightening. There is much we don't know about this case, but for the sake of the child and the public, you can be assured that we will pursue this matter to the end."
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Old 21-12-2015, 19:51   #850
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the office party

Dave woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

Dave: "Marilyn, tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

Marilyn: "Even worse, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire Board of Directors and you insulted the Chairman of the company, right to his face."

Dave: "He's an *******, I could piss on him."

Marilyn: "You did. And he fired you."

Dave: "Well, **** him then"




Marilyn: "I did", You're back at work on Monday ...."
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Old 22-12-2015, 04:24   #851
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep under his arm.
His wife is sitting in bed reading a book.
He says"heres the pig I have to sleep with when you have a headache"
His wife says, "thats no pig you dumbass, thats a sheep"
Husband, "I wasn't talking to you "

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Old 23-12-2015, 16:07   #852
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin , decided to expand the line offurniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he couldfind.

After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a
line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the newacquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.


Ashe sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quitecrowded,and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in thehouse.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table
, askedhim something in French (whichMurphy couldnot understand), so he motionedto the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.


He tried to speak to herinEnglish, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes oftrying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of awine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of winefor her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,
anddrew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left thebistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romanticmusic.


They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drewa picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. Theydanced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a
four-poster bed on it.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
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Old 24-12-2015, 10:46   #853
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The Taliban precision rifle team....

https://www.facebook.com/RyoooD/videos/790577004310714/
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Old 24-12-2015, 11:22   #854
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
The Taliban precision rifle team....

https://www.facebook.com/RyoooD/videos/790577004310714/
Haha.. only he's an Gulf-Arab ally, Talibans are the ones we couldn't walkover with all the mighty western force
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Old 26-12-2015, 07:34   #855
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by CHAZ View Post
A older lady went to visit a friend.
After arriving her friend asks:
"Did you come on the bus?"
"Yes.., but I faked it as an asthma attack".
Quote:
Originally Posted by CHAZ View Post
A guy came back from the service and met his buddy at the bar.
"So how was it in the service?"
"Not to bad, but in basics they had us jumping out of an airplane and when it was my turn I froze and I could not jump.
The drill sergeant behind me whispered in my ear:
"You jump now or i will screw you in your butt!"

"And did you jump?"

"A little."
HA HA!!!

These killed me !
Merry Christmas you two!
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