The New Joke Thread

[mabowers]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

The last Alaskan pub I was in was Chilkoot Charlie’s. It had a dirt floor covered in peanut shells. You could lose a dart in that mess.

"We cheat the other guy and pass the savings on to you!"

[socaldmax]

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[Dave_S]

Something

[socaldmax]

[Buzzman]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

A British aquarium claims to have the world’s first vegetarian shark.

Either that or they’re playing a really good prank on Nigel the tank cleaner.

Apropos of shark tanks, my sister, in her misspent youth, worked for Sydney Aquarium, initially and primarily as a seal handler, but she also got to feed the sharks in the main tank - by hand.

Needless to say, she always got respect when asked at parties what she did for a living.

Not everyone can answer: "I hand feed sharks!"

Anyway, the main walkway through the shark tank is a glass/acrylic tube, the top of which is only 4ft underwater, so she and her colleagues would often stand there for a natter - as you do, in the middle of the shark tank - and then play tricks on school kids if they saw a group walking through the tube...

They'd mask up and drop down the curved outside of the tube and wave at the kids who, almost invariably, hadn't seen them coming, and were looking for and expecting to see sharks....

Apparently management received complaints, and my sister's pink wetsuit was a bit of a giveaway....

To answer the inevitable question, they used stainless steel mesh gloves, to the elbow, and a lead-weighted, lidded box full of small fish or large pieces of fish. Hand in, grab fish, hand out and wave above head, as shark zooms in, let of go of fish, retain hand.

Apparently the first time is the worst, but eventually you get the hang of it, or get an ambulance....

[That last bit is a joke...never happened, she swears!!]

The largest shark was a 12ft bull shark, renowned for their aggression.

Moral of the tale is: if you're in an aquarium, looking into the tank, be sure to look up, above your head - you never know what's swimming about...

[svmariane]

Swimming pools.... Reminds me that back in my mis-spent youth there was this certain bordello in Salzburg, prostitution being legal in Austria. The place had a swimming pool that patrons could enter from the second floor (third floor for the yanks reading this). The pool was made with some kind of clear material for the bottom and three sides and suspended (somehow) over the heads of people at the bar and the dancing/entertainment area on the ground floor. Clothing not allowed in the water. From my statistical analysis based on accurate observation I'll attest that silicon floats, and probably prevented the untimely death of some of those splashing-about ladies.

Don't know why I just remembered that. Old age? Sorry...

[ArmyDaveNY]

I just found out I've been dating a communist....

I should have seen the red flags sooner

[LakeSuperior]

I ate a dictionary today...

I had thesaurus throat ever.

[LakeSuperior]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.'

[LakeSuperior]

I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a "paranoid little weirdo"

In morse code!