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Old 08-12-2015, 06:06   #766
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Re: The New Joke Thread

since it is that time of year (and with a bow to Pelagic's horrible jokes)

Why is a cat walking across the desert like christmas?



wait for it





wait for it




wait for it


They both have "sandy claws" (say it fast - groooooan)
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Old 08-12-2015, 06:10   #767
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Re: The New Joke Thread

and a quickie - bound to offend all those lawyerly types


How can you tell if a lawyer is lying?


His/her (no discrimination here) lips are moving




A lawyer friend of mine told me that he whenever he is saying something to a judge or jury that, shall we say, is not toally and comletely true, he uses the blush test

If he can say it without blushing - no problem

That one is a true story
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Old 08-12-2015, 06:13   #768
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Or the difference between a lawyer and a buzzard?

Lawyers get frequent flier miles.
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Old 08-12-2015, 10:12   #769
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pelagic View Post
Or simply Google... 20 worst jokes.....
I would have preferred the 20 best jokes, but then we would have run the risk of getting some of the previous jokes that some members didn't get.


I'm honestly really surprised the "Zoo... Shih Tzu" joke wasn't in the 20 Worst Jokes list.
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Old 08-12-2015, 14:38   #770
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. Perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?"
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a we
e cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed, and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow.
"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye no' think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
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Old 08-12-2015, 14:43   #771
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Re: The New Joke Thread

CARP - Canadian Association of Retired People

Questions and Answers from CARP Forum

Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ..."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..

Q: Why should 60 plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
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Old 08-12-2015, 15:07   #772
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
I would have preferred the 20 best jokes, but then we would have run the risk of getting some of the previous jokes that some members didn't get.


I'm honestly really surprised the "Zoo... Shih Tzu" joke wasn't in the 20 Worst Jokes list.
Just like really bad movies, some jokes are So Bad, they are funny for that reason
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Old 08-12-2015, 15:42   #773
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Re: The New Joke Thread

LOL

Pelagics jokes aren't bad, they're just "Dad jokes".

So if you're a Dad, they're bound to be funny.

I chuckled at a couple I hadn't seen before....

Three blokes are discussing their sexual prowess - an Aussie, a Kiwi and Pommie.

The Pom says: "When my wife and I make love, I can get her to orgasm in about 3 minute. She bucks so hard she almost throws me off"

The Kiwi says: "Thet's nething. When Oi ****s my mussus, she screams my name and leaps three feet off the bud".

The Aussie says: "Ar, th'ats nothing fellers. After I **** my missus, I get up and wipe my cock on the curtains. She hits the roof!"
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Old 09-12-2015, 07:00   #774
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by senormechanico View Post
THIS IS A JOKE THREAD PEOPLE !!
👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼

please ... lay the smackdown ...

☺️😇😋
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Old 09-12-2015, 09:20   #775
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by BigJohn View Post
👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼

please ... lay the smackdown ...

☺️😇😋
Or better yet, instead of whining, feel free to post up some funny jokes.
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Old 09-12-2015, 09:34   #776
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The New Joke Thread

What is green, weighs 400,000 pounds and lives 20,000 leagues beneath the sea?

Moby the Pickle


S/V B'Shert
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Old 09-12-2015, 10:25   #777
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Bill Clinton's DNA

Dear Mr. Starr:
The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.
Apologies,
The FBI
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Old 09-12-2015, 10:52   #778
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Somebody say bad jokes?


What do you get when you cross a rooster & a telephone pole?

A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out & touch someone.


What do you get when you cross a rooster & a jar of peanut butter?

A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.


And the finale:

What's red, white & black and has trouble going through revolving doors?

No, not another dick joke. It's a nun with a spear through her head.

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Old 09-12-2015, 11:53   #779
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Re: The New Joke Thread

See......everybody likes bad jokes....

My god...what have I started..?
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Old 09-12-2015, 15:19   #780
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pelagic View Post
See......everybody likes bad jokes....

My god...what have I started..?
Its all yours...... Own it!
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