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Old 30-11-2019, 17:14   #7576
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by GordMay View Post
spot the error in this drawing !

that's right : it can't be the weather bureau because they never have windows !

ok...just leaving...
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Old 30-11-2019, 17:56   #7577
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jon Hacking View Post
We knew a cruising dentist many years ago. His card read:

Candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth!
My father's version was:
Candy's dandy but liquor's quicker.
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Old 01-12-2019, 09:11   #7578
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 01-12-2019, 09:15   #7579
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing!
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Old 01-12-2019, 09:16   #7580
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

So the soldier goes in the back of the garden, and after a few hours comes back.

"So... what did you do to the mole?" Asked the commander.

"Ohoh! Commander!" The soldier laughed: "I did the most horrible thing ever! Try to take a guess!"

"Did you... cut it in pieces while it was still conscious?"

"Even worse!"

"Hmm... did you throw him to the rabid dogs?"

"Even worse!"

"Oh my god! What the hell did you do to that mole?!"

"I buried him alive!"
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Old 01-12-2019, 11:18   #7581
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Honestly, if I had to rate our solar system, I'd give it only one star.
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Old 01-12-2019, 12:03   #7582
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I got into an altercation with a less than intelligent man. He started to raise his fist to hit me. I told him her better not hit me or he'd end up with summer teeth. He stopped and said what. I told summer here and summer there.
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Old 01-12-2019, 17:41   #7583
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Re: The New Joke Thread

China has a population of more than a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
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Old 01-12-2019, 17:42   #7584
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’
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Old 01-12-2019, 18:07   #7585
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So.... Bits and bobs of conversation overheard down to the pub -
hospital version:


A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
***


At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
***

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
***

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
***

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
***

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
***

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill my fantasy that we have healthcare.
***

Doctor: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards.”

Me: “And?”
***

After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils. They dilate.
***

I Just called the tinnitus hotline.

It didn’t stop ringing.
***



And one closing thought:

Do not use “beef_stew” as a password!

It’s not stroganoff.
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Old 02-12-2019, 06:52   #7586
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Re: The New Joke Thread

How fast does light travel?

a. 10,000 km/s

b. 100,000 km/s

c.

d. 1,000,000 km/s
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Old 02-12-2019, 06:55   #7587
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Re: The New Joke Thread

There was a vulture who had a rebellious son. He would preen his feathers so they stood up, hang out with raccoons, and generally be a nuisance to the rest of the flock. Thinking that it was just a phase, his father didn't worry too much about it and hoped that one day his son would grow up.

However, one day his son came home with terrible news: "Dad, I've made up my mind I'm going vegetarian!"

He could accept anything else, but that! Shocked, he threw his son out of his house.

As the months and years went by, he regretted his decision, and decided that maybe he should try to understand his son's point of view. So he read up about the nutritional value of plants, looked up recipes, and even asked the neighbouring squirrels about what they ate.

Finally, one cold evening, he decided that it was time to try out eating plants. Peas were a good place to start- they were high in protein, like the rotting flesh he usually ate, and they were easy for him to eat with his beak. So in addition to his usual plate of roadkill, he put on a pot of peas to boil.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. He opened it and gasped with surprise- there was his son, thin as sticks and weak as water! His son collapsed into his wings, and managed to croak out,

"Dad, I'm starving. Do you have anything for me to eat?"

Crying at seeing his long-lost child after so many years, he nodded and said,

"Carrion, my wayward son! There'll be peas when you are done."
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Old 02-12-2019, 18:40   #7588
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 03-12-2019, 07:47   #7589
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.
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Old 03-12-2019, 07:47   #7590
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My daughter says she now identifies as a small group of words that have a collective meaning.

Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
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