The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

Current status of The New Joke Thread:

[Perfusser]

Originally Posted by Saleen411

You too? I thought I was the only one that did that.

Water is still cold but.....

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[Tayana42]

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.


A Spanish magician was doing a magic trick. He said, Uno, Dose, and he disappeared without a trace.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.


I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right

[mabowers]

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.

“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

[svmariane]

WHAT IS THE BUFFALO THEORY?

Skip past this post if you've heard it before.


Cliff Clavin of “Cheers” was a wise man. The kind of guy you’d recruit first for Trivial Pursuit. His knowledge of beer is no exception. Presenting the Buffalo Theory:

Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

Word.

[svmariane]

So I'm hanging around the hospital waiting room - my wife undergoing something or other, some kind of procedure, which is a whole other subject - and I went online and started reading these news stories about disasters, like you do when any minute some teenager in scrubs is going to come out and "talk" to you like you've any idea what the heck was going on in there and their really a Doctor. So anyway we'd flown into town to "get the best" treatment (which I think meant getting the best teenagers who graduated from medical school) and in a few days or so would be flying back after my wife's recovery. Think positive, right? So naturally I was looking at these youtube videos of TV or cable newscasters talking about airplane disasters. Murphy's law: If you know it happened to somebody else it won't happen to you - at least until it slips your mind. It's true. Check it out.

Now here's the thing. Have you ever noticed that in every video-news reported airplane crash those handsome guys and great looking women always chatter about how it's some kind of miracle? I mean, if everybody survives then it's a miracle that nobody died. If only a few died then it's a miracle so many survived. If they all died then it's a miracle the plane just missed that factory and all those people inside didn't die.

If the plane crashes into the factory then it's a miracle that it happend when nobody was inside the building. But if the plane crashes into the factory and everybody on the plane dies and everybody in the factory dies then they find some schmuck who missed his flight connection by five minutes and it's a miracle that he wasn't on board! It's a miracle, I tell ya!

Excuse me.... A Nurse just told me (bless her heart) that there's a pub around the corner that allows smoking - think I just found a new waiting room! Hope they have WiFi...

[svmariane]

So I really hate those membership deals that stores want you to join. I don't want to give out all that personnal info. I mean, I just need a few things while I'm waiting for my wife to get released from hospital, right? A couple of shirts, some underwear, a pair of jeans. And I'm out-a-here.

So this cashier asks for my membership card and I say I don't have one. So she smiles and says here, fill out this form and you'll get a 20% discount! I tell her I don't want to join. She says but it also means a 10% discount on all future purchases!

So I say look, I'm wanted in six states and two territories. I'm not giving you my contact info! She says but you just gave me your credit card! I said - it's not mine. Now will you please ring me up because I'm in a bit of a hurry.

[GordMay]

[svmariane]

Lately I've been hanging around this new pub I found. Went in last night and must have been looking kind of sad. The bartender asks me what I wanted and I said “Oh, just a beer”.

Bartender says “Hey, whats wrong, why are you so down tonight?”. Told him that “My wife and i got into a fight, and she said she would’nt talk to me for a week”. Bartender says “So whats wrong with that”?

Told him “Well the week is up tonight”.

[svmariane]

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Arrive naked... with beer.

[svmariane]

Sometimes it’s tough finding a good bar to go to in a new city. That’s why I love karaoke so much ― it takes all the music I find annoying AND all the people I would find annoying, and keeps it in one place I can easily avoid.

[svmariane]

A wise person once said that life is all about attitude.

So I was driving through the city. There’s traffic, must have been an accident or something, nobody’s moving. The guy behind me is honking just at me. He kept yelling at me. Normally I'd just ignore it, right? But this time...

I decided that I’m gonna argue with this guy, but I’m gonna argue about something else. I’m not having his argument; I’m having mine. So he’s like, ‘Go! Move it!" And I say, ‘Well, give me back my jacket!" And he stopped. I was like, "Yeah, you got my jacket! Give it back! I said you could borrow it, not have it! You’re stretching it out, you fat pig! Give it back now!"

He got back in his car and locked his doors. It's about your attitude, man.

[atoll]

After a year of marriage, a couple comes to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The gentleman is 82 years old and the future mother 23 years old.
The nurse comes out of the birth room to congratulate the old man and says:
Congratulations. He's a boy... He's gorgeous. How do you do at your age?"
The old man smiles and says, "always keep the engine running"
The following year, the couple came to the hospital for the birth of their second child.
The same nurse takes care of birth and comes out to congratulate the old man.
The old man smiles and says again, " always keep the engine running, lady..."
Smiling, she too, the nurse gives her a little pat on the shoulder and says,
" well, I think it's time to change the oil, this one is black."