Cruisers Forum
 


Join CruisersForum Today

Reply
 
Thread Tools Rate Thread Display Modes
Old 29-11-2015, 03:51   #691
Senior Cruiser
 
StuM's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Port Moresby,Papua New Guinea
Boat: FP Belize Maestro 43
Posts: 4,605
Re: The New Joke Thread

Just got this in an email and had to share
(It's spelt the same way twice in the email, so it's not just a single typo)
Attached Thumbnails
Click image for larger version

Name:	Cursing.jpg
Views:	304
Size:	31.3 KB
ID:	114031  
__________________

__________________
StuM is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 29-11-2015, 09:17   #692
Senior Cruiser
 
delmarrey's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Somewhere along the US West Coast
Boat: Modified Choate 40
Posts: 10,503
Images: 122
Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pelagic View Post
They don't call it the "bitter end" for nothing

So a loose freighter anchor is sort of terrifying… : theCHIVE
That happened to us on the newly built Navy AFS on her first sea trial. They are suppose to stop the ship when anchoring. After that they always brought out the fire hoses when anchoring.

Fortunately it was in shallow enough water that they were able to retrieve the anchor and chain on a barg.

It happens more then you think!
__________________

__________________
Faithful are the Wounds of a Friend, but the Kisses of the Enemy are Deceitful!
A nation of sheep breeds a government of wolves!

Take nothing but pictures, leave nothing but footprints!

http://choate-40.blogspot.com/
delmarrey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29-11-2015, 15:53   #693
Registered User
 
0urh's Avatar

Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Great Sandy Straits, Queensland, Australia
Boat: Easy Cat, 10.5m
Posts: 63
Re: The New Joke Thread

Paddy, The Irish Wrestler

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on
top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.
__________________
0urh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2015, 09:54   #694
Senior Cruiser
 
delmarrey's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Somewhere along the US West Coast
Boat: Modified Choate 40
Posts: 10,503
Images: 122
Re: The New Joke Thread

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example: the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
__________________
Faithful are the Wounds of a Friend, but the Kisses of the Enemy are Deceitful!
A nation of sheep breeds a government of wolves!

Take nothing but pictures, leave nothing but footprints!

http://choate-40.blogspot.com/
delmarrey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2015, 12:15   #695
One of Those
 
Canibul's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Turks and Caicos Islands
Boat: Catalac 12M
Posts: 3,209
Re: The New Joke Thread

I like that one, and know just who to forward it to. Thanks.
__________________
Expat life in the Devil's Triangle:
http://2gringos.blogspot.com/
Canibul is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2015, 15:03   #696
D&D
Registered User
 
D&D's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Yamba, Australia
Boat: Lagoon 440, #406
Posts: 1,394
Re: The New Joke Thread

Dear Welfare Office:

I would
like to present before you the following story.

Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an18-year-old daughter.

After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of
times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter.

My father eventually married her without my authorization.

As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law.


My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband ofmy step-daughter's mother.

This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the
mother of my father's wife.

Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.


A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father'swife, and my uncle.

My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own
grandfather.

In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?


Sincerely yours,
__________________
...throw off the bowlines...sail away from safe harbor...catch the winds in your sails...EXPLORE...DREAM...DISCOVER...

www.floatingimpressions.com.au
D&D is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2015, 15:15   #697
Moderator Emeritus
 
GordMay's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Thunder Bay, Ontario - 48-29N x 89-20W
Boat: (Cruiser Living On Dirt)
Posts: 29,591
Images: 240
Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Dear Welfare Office ...
D&D
Byzantine ingenuity.
__________________
Gord May
"If you didn't have the time or money to do it right in the first place, when will you get the time/$ to fix it?"



GordMay is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2015, 15:23   #698
D&D
Registered User
 
D&D's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Yamba, Australia
Boat: Lagoon 440, #406
Posts: 1,394
Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by GordMay View Post
Byzantine ingenuity.
Ironic you should say so as the original version (before PC editing!) would confirm your suggested provenance...
__________________
...throw off the bowlines...sail away from safe harbor...catch the winds in your sails...EXPLORE...DREAM...DISCOVER...

www.floatingimpressions.com.au
D&D is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2015, 15:42   #699
Senior Cruiser
 
Therapy's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: W Florida
Boat: Back to just the Jon boat.
Posts: 6,806
Images: 4
Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by D&D View Post
[B][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]Dear Welfare Office:

In answer though......

In the US at present - "Of course"

In Russsia - "Are you f+*+*+g kidding me? Get the f+*k out of here!
__________________
Who knows what is next.
Therapy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2015, 16:02   #700
Registered User

Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 2,845
Re: The New Joke Thread

A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of 
the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”

“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking 
to the wine.”
__________________
socaldmax is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2015, 16:03   #701
Registered User

Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 2,845
Re: The New Joke Thread

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”
__________________
socaldmax is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2015, 16:04   #702
Registered User

Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 2,845
Re: The New Joke Thread

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “I do.”
__________________
socaldmax is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2015, 16:05   #703
Registered User

Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 2,845
Re: The New Joke Thread

• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford

• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine

• Never board 
a commercial 
aircraft if the 
pilot is wearing 
a tank top. —Dave Barry

• Never be in a 
hurry to terminate a marriage. You 
may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck

• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding

• Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin 
Crisp
__________________
socaldmax is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2015, 16:06   #704
Registered User

Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 2,845
Re: The New Joke Thread

On the first night of their 
honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the 
husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”

Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”
__________________
socaldmax is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2015, 16:07   #705
Registered User

Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 2,845
Re: The New Joke Thread

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no 
secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that 
she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a 
crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never 
argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money 
I made from selling the dolls.”
__________________

__________________
socaldmax is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



Our Communities

Our communities encompass many different hobbies and interests, but each one is built on friendly, intelligent membership.

» More about our Communities

Automotive Communities

Our Automotive communities encompass many different makes and models. From U.S. domestics to European Saloons.

» More about our Automotive Communities

Marine Communities

Our Marine websites focus on Cruising and Sailing Vessels, including forums and the largest cruising Wiki project on the web today.

» More about our Marine Communities


Copyright 2002- Social Knowledge, LLC All Rights Reserved.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 16:57.


Google+
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Social Knowledge Networks
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

ShowCase vBulletin Plugins by Drive Thru Online, Inc.