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Old 19-11-2015, 17:48   #661
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Please excuse longish post

Doug had just landed his first job as a jackaroo on a big spread up in the Kimberlies. Now Doug had worked in the bush before but never on a really big isolated cattle station up north and so was looking forward to this adventure mixing it with "real" stockman.

He was choppered in and soon put to work. All went well for about 3 months when Doug realized that he wasnt going to be leaving anytime soon as the wet settled in and the station would be isolated for another 3 months. He also noticed all the women had left prior to the wet and this concerned him as he had been quite friendly with some of them.

Another few weeks went by and he was having trouble controlling his urges so he had a chat with the overseer to find out what the other blokes did about this problem.

The overseer explained that for $100 he could have his way with Wing Lee, the chinese cook.

Now Mr Wing Lee wasn't too attractive and Doug reckoned that it would be $100 misspent and so declined the offer.

As the wet continued, Doug was having secondvthoughts and approached the overseer again and asked why Wing was so expensive. Again the overseer explained.

The boss doesn't like this sort of thing so the boss gets $40 to look the other way.
As overseer, I have to hold the same view as the boss so I get $20 to look the other way.

So Wing only gets $40 asked Doug.

Oh no, he only gets $20 replies the overseer.

Doug scratches his head for a moment and finally asks, what does the other $20 go.

Again the overseer explains.

Well that goes to the 2 old experinced hands, Tim and Dave, $10 each.

WHAT, WHY exclaims Doug taken aback.

Well, said the overseer, someone has to hold Wing Lee down, ' cause he doesn't like this sort of thing either.
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Old 20-11-2015, 02:16   #662
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Re: The New Joke Thread

AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON


While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from our house.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. So I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer, so we tried a Jameson's, nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so fookin' ****-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.
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Old 20-11-2015, 05:27   #663
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Re: The New Joke Thread

That's odd, I was told Jameson bottles came with nipples for a reason.
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Old 20-11-2015, 19:28   #664
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Pharmacist to customer:
"Sir, please understand, to buy anti depressant tablets, you need a proper prescription ...

Simply showing your marriage certificate and a photo of your wife, is not enough!"
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Old 20-11-2015, 19:55   #665
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Re: The New Joke Thread

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokinoff!!
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Old 20-11-2015, 22:44   #666
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joel E Felt View Post
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokinoff!!


Cows, huh? Your knowledge of bovine anatomy is astounding.

A.
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Old 21-11-2015, 14:06   #667
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Re: The New Joke Thread

udderly ridiculous.

but that's probably moot at this point.
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Old 21-11-2015, 19:06   #668
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate View Post


Cows, huh? Your knowledge of bovine anatomy is astounding.

A.
Real beef have no balls! Normally called steers.
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Old 21-11-2015, 19:19   #669
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Re: The New Joke Thread

*
A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying* Qantas from Sydney to Auckland.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and
asked,“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who* couldn't* think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant,
“If big dogs have baby dogs, and* big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded,

Did your* mother tell* you to ask me that?

The boy said, "Yes, she did”.
***
"Well then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time,
and ask her to explain that to you."
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Old 22-11-2015, 15:33   #670
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."


The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have
mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband,
that's against the law? I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have
any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and
replied; "You didn't tell me you had a
prescription."
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Old 23-11-2015, 04:54   #671
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Bulls have no opposable thumbs.
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Old 23-11-2015, 05:22   #672
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate View Post


Cows, huh? Your knowledge of bovine anatomy is astounding.

A.
That was really funny
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Old 23-11-2015, 05:34   #673
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by captain58sailin View Post
Bulls have no opposable thumbs.
Don't need 'em for strokin'. Dogs seem to do pretty well with their tongues
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Old 23-11-2015, 05:53   #674
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Which brings another one.

Q. Why does a dog do that?



A. because he can
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Old 23-11-2015, 10:26   #675
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by a64pilot View Post
Which brings another one.

Q. Why does a dog do that?



A. because he can
You'd think there would be enough Bitches to go around.

There sure was in my life time.
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