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Old 15-11-2015, 16:54   #646
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Re: The New Joke Thread

BULLFROGS & BLOW JOBS*

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

*She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet,*but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

*'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.
They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

*

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...
No more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.*

*When she explained froggy's ability to husband,*he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off!...
The woman went to bed happy,*thinking she never need perform this less than riveting act again.*

In the middle of the night, she was awakened*by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere,*making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

*She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband*and the frog reading cook books.
*
'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.
The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook...*You're gone.'

*
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Old 15-11-2015, 19:25   #647
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties, had never been married.She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, in the water floated of all things, a condom!
When she returned With tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!
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Old 16-11-2015, 08:58   #648
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by D&D View Post
Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties, had never been married.She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, in the water floated of all things, a condom!
When she returned With tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!

Condoms really doesn't keep one safe, my friend was wearing one while screwing the neighbors wife and he got shot in the back.....go figure??

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Old 16-11-2015, 11:42   #649
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Condoms really doesn't keep one safe, my friend was wearing one while screwing the neighbors wife and he got shot in the back.....go figure??

Used to have a t-shirt that had tread marks, and said "Condoms aren't completely safe... I was wearing one and got hit by a bus." Surprisingly, I wasn't allowed to wear it in High School. (believe it or not, the ONLY person that didn't find it funny was one of the secretary women in the corner office that would NEVER see it except she passed in the hall. Everyone else, principal included, thought it was hilarious).
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Old 18-11-2015, 19:26   #650
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Hotel guest calls the Front desk and the clerk
answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.

I'm having an argument with my wife and she says
she's going to jump out the window.

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot.
The window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter
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Old 19-11-2015, 04:09   #651
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Re: The New Joke Thread

After a lot of years living aboard this might be true
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Old 19-11-2015, 05:23   #652
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by CharlzO View Post
Used to have a t-shirt that had tread marks, and said "Condoms aren't completely safe... I was wearing one and got hit by a bus." Surprisingly, I wasn't allowed to wear it in High School. (believe it or not, the ONLY person that didn't find it funny was one of the secretary women in the corner office that would NEVER see it except she passed in the hall. Everyone else, principal included, thought it was hilarious).
A bit off topic, but this reminded me of my former 'questionable t-shirt collection' that my first ex-wife somehow conveniently threw out during a move. One of them had this nice photo of a sailboat silhouetted by a big orange orb, and the text under it said "Only Sailors Get Blown Offshore".

Another of my favorites had a photo of a big, large maned African Lion with a kitten sitting in front of it between it's paws. The legend said
"Big Cats Can Be Dangerous...
but a little pussy never hurt anybody"
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Old 19-11-2015, 05:58   #653
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Tonto and the Lone Ranger were riding across the prairie.
Then Tonto got down from his horse and put his ear to the ground. He looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Buffalo come."

The Lone Ranger looked at him and said, "Wow, that's amazing! How did you figure that out?"
Tonto looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Ear sticky!"
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Old 19-11-2015, 06:15   #654
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Canibul View Post
A bit off topic, but this reminded me of my former 'questionable t-shirt collection' that my first ex-wife somehow conveniently threw out during a move. One of them had this nice photo of a sailboat silhouetted by a big orange orb, and the text under it said "Only Sailors Get Blown Offshore".

Another of my favorites had a photo of a big, large maned African Lion with a kitten sitting in front of it between it's paws. The legend said
"Big Cats Can Be Dangerous...
but a little pussy never hurt anybody"
This reminds me of a T-shirt I still have from when I was in my teens. I can't figure out why the wife hates it so much. Luckily for her it doesn't fit me anymore.
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Old 19-11-2015, 06:28   #655
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by ontherocks83 View Post
This reminds me of a T-shirt I still have from when I was in my teens. I can't figure out why the wife hates it so much. Luckily for her it doesn't fit me anymore.
Right???

And we think we are not responsible for household tensions...

(ps: I was waiting for a new post, so I could covertly say the one above killed me... )
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Old 19-11-2015, 07:38   #656
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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This reminds me of a T-shirt I still have from when I was in my teens. I can't figure out why the wife hates it so much. Luckily for her it doesn't fit me anymore.
You keep pissing her off like that and eventually you'll fit into that shirt again.
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Old 19-11-2015, 07:55   #657
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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You keep pissing her off like that and eventually you'll fit into that shirt again.
Negative amigo, She makes twice what I do. She wants me gone, she's paying me alimony and I'm eatin' good
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Old 19-11-2015, 08:19   #658
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Negative amigo, She makes twice what I do. She wants me gone, she's paying me alimony and I'm eatin' good
ha. Well, in that case I hope you're not eating what she's cooking.

why do you still call her the wife? I've come up with totally different names for both my exes.
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Old 19-11-2015, 09:35   #659
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Negative amigo, She makes twice what I do. She wants me gone, she's paying me alimony and I'm eatin' good
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ha. Well, in that case I hope you're not eating what she's cooking.

why do you still call her the wife? I've come up with totally different names for both my exes.
Sounds like you both would have
great posts for this thread:

Good Ideas That Have Gone Bad
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Old 19-11-2015, 09:50   #660
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Current events...
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