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Old 11-09-2019, 06:36   #6481
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The other day I carried a jar of sour cream into the sea. Some guy comes up to me and asked what I was doing.

I said I was taking a dip in the ocean!
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Old 11-09-2019, 06:38   #6482
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia.

She said she would never want to place that burden on me.

I had to say to her, "Honey that's the fifth time you've told me that today."
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Old 11-09-2019, 06:41   #6483
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Genie: Son, what is your final wish?

Boy: I wish I were you!

Genue: Weurd but alrught.
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Old 11-09-2019, 06:42   #6484
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I just finished writing a book on cats.

It would have been a lot easier if I had written it on paper though.
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Old 11-09-2019, 06:43   #6485
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I'm a bit like a mouse - women who see me are often repulsed.

They also find me secretly living in their home.
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Old 11-09-2019, 07:38   #6486
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
The most beautiful women donít need makeup!
I agree. I love Jenn.
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Old 11-09-2019, 10:57   #6487
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pelagic View Post
This was my Pinto.
Got really nervous when approached from the rear

https://youtu.be/1mqu-gRqt3g
Apparently that joke is still on you.

You do know that test was repeated many times without the desired effect so they put an incendiary device in there to make sure the gas ignited.

If it were really a problem anywhere on the planet we would not have gas tanks in the same place on most vehicles.

Now, what thread is this?
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Old 11-09-2019, 11:51   #6488
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Oh, no.... We're not letting go of gas jokes just yet!

A man is filling his car up with gasoline and spills some on his arm. He doesnít think anything of it. A few minutes later as he's driving down the road he lights a cigarette and his arm catches on fire. He stuck it out the window to try and put it out, to no avail.

A policeman sees him, pulls him over, and helps him put out the fire.
Then he writes the guy a ticket:

Illegal transportation of a fire arm.
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Old 11-09-2019, 11:52   #6489
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I saw a woman at the fuel pump spill gasoline on her arm and then light a cigarette. The police arrested her for waving a firearm.
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Old 11-09-2019, 11:59   #6490
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Economic Stimulus' payment.

Sometime this year we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:



* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .


* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .


* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ...


* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .


* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .


* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go
to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in America by:


1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.


(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )


Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !



No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
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Old 11-09-2019, 14:28   #6491
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The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Therapy View Post
Apparently that joke is still on you.



You do know that test was repeated many times without the desired effect so they put an incendiary device in there to make sure the gas ignited.



If it were really a problem anywhere on the planet we would not have gas tanks in the same place on most vehicles.



Now, what thread is this?


The accident that spurred all the debate was in Indiana I believe killed three girls, and was missing a gas cap and had a rag where the cap goes, or that may be rumor.
However it was an unsafe design, did in fact kill hundreds, and Ford knew it going into production, but Ioccaoa railroaded it through anyway.
If you read about what and how it went down, itís an excellent example of an Executive making demands and overriding Engineerís.

Iíd bet my bottom dollar the 737 Max is another example, as was of course the shuttle accidents.
It makes you wonder how it is these people think that the experts are wrong and nothing bad will happen?

I believe there were similar lawsuits involving school busses that had fuel tanks outboard of the frame, as opposed to being between the frame rails.

Iíve always thought that the idea of carrying dozens of gallons of a highly flammable, explosive liquid on board a family vehicle pretty much insane, and if you tried that now, it would never be allowed.
Itís only allowed because itís Grandfathered in.
It amazes me that there are so few blazing infernoís on the road.
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Old 11-09-2019, 15:00   #6492
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Knock knock ?
Whoís there ?
Who.
Who who?
Who who who! I didnít know you spoke owl!

More horse stories please.
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Old 11-09-2019, 15:02   #6493
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The Pinto controversy centered on a single design flaw which made this car a potential deathtrap. Ford engineers chose to place the fuel tank at the back of the car, directly between the rear bumper and rear axle. This fuel tank placement was common for domestic and foreign cars at the time, and was considered a conservative choice compared to the untested above-axle design. However, the potential dangers of this placement were exacerbated by other decisions made in the design process. Due to Iacocca's cost constraints, the walls of the fuel tank were exceptionally thin. The fuel tank design also incorporated four poorly arranged bolts, which protruded from the rear differential directly adjacent to the tank. Rear-end collision tests showed that, in collisions over 25 mph, the protruding bolts punctured the thin walls of the fuel tank, resulting in fuel leakage. Sparks into this leakage had a high chance of ignition, culminating in fatal consequences.

While this flaw was discovered during testing, the short time frame of the Pintoís development meant that final tooling had already begun.[8] Ford did not deem the fuel leakage as a major design flaw, because they did not undertake any retooling efforts. Harley Copp, a lead Ford test engineer, was a whistle blower during the Pinto's testing phase. In the later trials, he claimed the Pinto was "grossly inadequate and the weakest I've seen in cars for the last 10 to 12 years".

Based upon the tests performed for the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, and by the tremendous publicity generated over the problem, Ford agreed to recall all 1971 through 1976 Ford Pintos and 1975-76 Mercury Bobcat sedan and hatchback models for modifications to the fuel tank.
The modifications included a longer fuel filler neck and a better clamp to keep it securely in the fuel tank, a better gas cap in some models, and placement of a plastic shield between the front of the fuel tank and the differential to protect the tank from the nuts and bolts on the differential and another along the right corner of the tank to protect it from the right rear shock absorber.
https://www.autosafety.org/wp-conten...t/ODIPinto.pdf

In a letter dated May 8, 1978, the Deputy Administrator of the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration informed Ford that "...analysis of information received and developed indicates that the fuel tanks and filler necks installed on these vehicles are subject to failure when the vehicles are struck from the rear. in the presence of external ignition sources can result in fire." and "Based on our investigation, it has been initially determined that a defect which relates to motor vehicle safety exists in these 1971-1976 Ford Pintos and 1975-1976 Mercury Bobcats.Ē
https://www.autosafety.org/wp-conten...o%20Recall.pdf
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Old 11-09-2019, 15:42   #6494
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Re: The New Joke Thread

For those who weren't already aware, Gord knows everything.
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Old 11-09-2019, 15:45   #6495
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I had a close call in a pinto once on I10 in Florida. I saw a car getting very big very fast in my rearview, he must have been doing well over a hundred. Something told me I had better his out of his way, so I bailed into the emergency lane and he rear ended the Cadillac in front of me by 100 yards. If I hadn't bailed I might very well have been a pinto statistic. Fortunately for the Cadillac the guy had started to change lanes by then and it was a glancing blow. The drunk went into the median and over the hood of a Peterbilt truck and actually left a tire track on the hood before going through about 100 yards of wax myrtles and out into a cow pasture where he came to a gentle stop against a pine tree. The drunk only had a tiny scratch on his head, but the truck driver needed a new pair of shorts. I guess a couple of us were very lucky that day.
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