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Old 07-11-2015, 20:25   #631
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Re: The New Joke Thread

#Meanwhile in Russia....

Customs Officer wanted to know if there were any weapons aboard.....

Being honest, the reply was yes indeed: Deadly Vodka. And Rum.
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Old 07-11-2015, 20:27   #632
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Re: The New Joke Thread

#Meanwhile in Russia....

Recent outbreak of dinghi motor theft.
Be warned.
Lift it or lose it.
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Old 07-11-2015, 20:33   #633
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Re: The New Joke Thread

#Meanwhile in Russia....

Somehow,

when all the kids come to grandma's and gather for the holidays,

it's not quite the same as it was before out at the old family farmhouse.
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Old 07-11-2015, 20:35   #634
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Re: The New Joke Thread

#Meanwhile in Russia....

And in winter we repaint white....
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Old 09-11-2015, 18:17   #635
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by sy_gilana View Post
Little Mary was sitting on Santa's lap, and the conversation went thus:
SANTA: So what would you like for xmas dear girl?
MARY: Umm, I want a Barbie and and GI-Joe...
SANTA: But doesn't Barbie normally come with Ken?
MARY: No She fakes it with Ken, she really comes with GI-Joe.

I haven't laughed at something this hard in a long time!


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Old 09-11-2015, 20:37   #636
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Re: The New Joke Thread

As Mark and Debbie were having a big blowout fight that would end their relationship, Debbie screamed, "I faked half of my orgasms with you!"

Mark casually replied, "That's OK, I faked the entire relationship."
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Old 10-11-2015, 13:53   #637
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Old biker joke...


Old Biker: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Old Biker: "Nah...She's purty good lookin'....."
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Old 10-11-2015, 21:30   #638
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Q. What did the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do?

A. Lay awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog.


Sent from my iPhone so apologies for weird autocorrect typos.
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Old 13-11-2015, 09:09   #639
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I thought this was funny...
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Old 13-11-2015, 11:24   #640
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Reprise! The office Christmas party

MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES
RE: Christmas PARTY ON DEC. 23RD
DATE: DEC. 1ST
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty




FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party the days are so short this time of year or else package everything for take home in little foil swans.
Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood problems to taste first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?
Patty



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads?
Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
Okay???
Patty


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus!
Seriously, even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day!
Could we lighten up? Please????????? PLEASE???
Also, on the advice of counsel, the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering.
You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.
IF WILL BE DELIVERED IN A NON-COLORFUL NON-SECTARIAN NON-HOLIDAY-LIKE BROWN ENVELOPE THAT LOOKS LIKE JUNK MAIL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!
PATTY




FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party
I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!@ do I care...I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address now and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!!
No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!! HUNG, YOOUE HEAR THAT???!!
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of DEATH," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! > HA !
I hope you all have a ROTTEN ROTTEN holiday! DRIVE DRUNK AND DIE, YOU HEAR ME!!!!@
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!



FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium.
The Director says Patty's eyes light up when she sees them, but they are unsure of what that means. She hasn't touched any of them yet.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Terri
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Old 13-11-2015, 12:22   #641
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Re: Reprise! The office Christmas party

Quote:
Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES
RE: Christmas PARTY ON DEC. 23RD
DATE: DEC. 1ST
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty




FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party the days are so short this time of year or else package everything for take home in little foil swans.
Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood problems to taste first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?
Patty



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads?
Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
Okay???
Patty


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus!
Seriously, even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day!
Could we lighten up? Please????????? PLEASE???
Also, on the advice of counsel, the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering.
You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.
IF WILL BE DELIVERED IN A NON-COLORFUL NON-SECTARIAN NON-HOLIDAY-LIKE BROWN ENVELOPE THAT LOOKS LIKE JUNK MAIL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!
PATTY




FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party
I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!@ do I care...I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address now and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!!
No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!! HUNG, YOOUE HEAR THAT???!!
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of DEATH," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! > HA !
I hope you all have a ROTTEN ROTTEN holiday! DRIVE DRUNK AND DIE, YOU HEAR ME!!!!@
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!



FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium.
The Director says Patty's eyes light up when she sees them, but they are unsure of what that means. She hasn't touched any of them yet.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Terri
I'm so glad I'm retired! This is closer to the truth than one can imagine.
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Old 13-11-2015, 12:36   #642
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by D&D View Post
GREAT TRUTHS

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm,
and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are
misinformed. -- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat
myself. -- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and
trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George
Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off
with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for
dinner. --James Bovard, Civil Libertarian

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich
people in poor countries. -- Douglas Case,
Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense
of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. --Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-- P. J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. --Voltaire

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher

22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress. -- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians --Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. -- Aesop

BTW Robbing Peter to pay Paul, makes Peter sore, and you can't do business with a sore Peter.
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Old 13-11-2015, 13:46   #643
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Re: Reprise! The office Christmas party

Quote:
Originally Posted by silversailor View Post
I'm so glad I'm retired! This is closer to the truth than one can imagine.
Yep.

I am almost right behind you. Hope I can make it.
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Old 13-11-2015, 15:35   #644
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the
house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable
to break something, but the boy continues.

'Johnny!' Mum screams. 'Knock it off.' You're going to break something.'
He stops and eventually Mum leaves for a short trip to the shopping centre.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the
store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
Mum comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge, A
diarrhoea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH,
out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls
her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but
he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his
knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out
his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The
balloon explodes and sh*t is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

'Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks.


He says, 'I've been a doctor for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !'
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Old 14-11-2015, 17:35   #645
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Re: The New Joke Thread

How the Scots invented golf
http://youtu.be/Wi-JlvBCl3A
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