The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

Random bit picked off the interwebs...

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder."

Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!




I'll show myself out.....

[GordMay]

[LakeSuperior]

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of thesauruses crashed yesterday.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

[Jdege]

The company stood rooted to the ground in terror. The creature was about fifty feet tall, with wide lapels, long dangling participles, and a pronounced gazetteer.

"Aiyee!" shouted Legolam. "A Thesaurus!"

"Maim!" roared the monster. "Mutilate, mangle, crush. See HARM."

(Bored of the Rings)

[socaldmax]

Congress members will now wear bar codes on their foreheads so lobbyists can scan for price checks and perform self checkout.

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my feelings.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big old red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

For a while I was looking for mood house paint, so I could pull U-turn before getting home.

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

Speaking of pie. Here’s a slice from NASA

https://www.nasa.gov/feature/goddard...greening-earth

..."While the detection of greening is based on data, the attribution to various drivers is based on models,”...

The jokes are sometimes found in the models.

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Congress members will now wear bar codes on their foreheads so lobbyists can scan for price checks and perform self checkout.

The opposite of PROgress is

CONgress.

[delmarrey]

From a FB post:

I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out some flowers said to me “It’s so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something that’s just gonna die” to which I replied:

“And you gotta buy them flowers.”

[socaldmax]

[john61ct]

Only mildly amusing, but functionally spot-on accurate.

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by john61ct

Only mildly amusing, but functionally spot-on accurate.

The key questions are:

1 Which is the cleaner facility?
and
2 Are transitional female to male persons fully represented in their choice of commode?

Perhaps a revolving door entering a unisex area flashing metamorphic images to the rocking tune of Kaleidoscope, will be tomorrow's standard.

Sorry, haven't had my morning coffee yet[emoji20]

[Mirage35]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

Perhaps a revolving door entering a unisex area flashing metamorphic images to the rocking tune of Kaleidoscope, will be tomorrow's standard.

Sorry, haven't had my morning coffee yet[emoji20]

Here's tomorrow's standard:

The 'We Don't Care' bathroom signs we have been waiting for - TODBY

[delmarrey]

Equal rights for women see the vid......

https://www.top5reviewed.com/female-urinals/

Or maybe what’s normally in the men’s room, one of theses.......


.

[StuM]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

Equal rights for women see the vid......

https://www.top5reviewed.com/female-urinals/

Or maybe what’s normally in the men’s room, one of theses.......
.

In my younger days, I've seen "bar hostesses" sitting on those to do their business.