The New Joke Thread

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

It's all over prime time TV. Sitcoms and dramas, mostly.

You actually watch that more than the 1.5 seconds it takes to realize what it is and move on?

Yikes!

[motion30]

on my first date I ask this girl , smell this rag does this smell like chloroform to you?

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by motion30

o̶n̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶f̶i̶r̶s̶t̶ ̶d̶a̶t̶e̶ On my last date before going to prison I ask this girl: smell this rag... does this smell like chloroform to you?

Fixed it for you.

[motion30]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Fixed it for you.

Thanks. Working off my phone since the water taxi through a huge wake and broke my computer.

[El Pinguino]

My girlfriend says I'm a stalker.... well she isn't my girlfriend yet....

[svmariane]

A female worker told her boss that she was going home early because she wasn't feeling well. Since the boss himself was just recovering from illness, he wished her well said he hoped it wasn't something he'd given her.
"So do I", she said. "I've got morning sickness."

[svmariane]

Did you hear about the guy who told jokes about religion?
He was put on the Sects Offenders List.

[svmariane]

While doing a bit of research on the US Coast Guard for another thread I stumbled upon the items below. I claim no credit for them - but to a US Marine like me (well, long ago) they drew a grin!


You Might Be a Coastie if....

1. Your wife looks at you strange and spouts out, "You're not my Chief, and I sure as hell ain't one of your damn Seaman!"

2. You believe USCG really stands for "Uncle Sams Confused Group".

3. You claim to have a woman in every port, yet you are at an ashore unit.

4. Your ship sends an emergency CASREP for the broken coffee maker.

5. The Marines get upset when they see you get to use real bullets in your weapon. {Fair is fair, right? grin}

6. Your 40-year-old boat is getting underway on Monday for a 6-week patrol and you're still making plans for the weekend because you know the boat will break down within 2-3 days.

7. You've had people say to you, "The Coast Guard is military?"

8. You catch yourself speaking to your children in the same tone of voice you use with your nonrates ... or is it the other way around?

9. When you come home with groceries you shout, "All hands lay to the garage/driveway/curb for stores".

10. Members of other branches of the service visit your workspace and they shout, "Wow, I haven't seen one of these in 20 years!"

11. You consider the door falling off your aircraft natural air conditioning.

12. After boot camp, you've never fired a gun.

13. You get married to move out of the barracks.

14. An Alaskan cruise is not an option for your honeymoon.

15. People ask you what you're doing beyond the three mile limit.

[svmariane]

Wait.... What? You mean those annual fitness reports actually affect a career?

[svmariane]

A Navy admiral and a Coast Guard chief were in a barber shop. As they were each nearly finished, their barbers were about to slap the after shave on each of their faces. The admiral says "Hey! Don't put that **** on me! My wife will think I was in a whore house!" The Coast Guard chief then said to his barber, "Go ahead and put mine on - my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whore house smells like."

[svmariane]

You know, at the end of the day when the sun is lower than the yardarm....
.

[svmariane]

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, take the simple phrase "secure the building".

The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

[svmariane]

After a night of wild and passionate sex, she says will you still service me and treat me like that after marriage? So he says sure will dear, if your husband doesn't object....

[D&D]

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an *******!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hires a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for *******?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.

How often can one get an attorney to incriminate his own client?

[silversailor]

Originally Posted by D&D

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an *******!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hires a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for *******?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.

How often can one get an attorney to incriminate his own client?

LOVE IT! I think I know both the client and the lawyer.