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Old 11-08-2019, 18:55   #6106
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.
She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pullet surprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and
screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
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Old 12-08-2019, 07:23   #6107
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Fair does not always mean Equal

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Old 12-08-2019, 13:13   #6108
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 12-08-2019, 13:56   #6109
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by IslandHopper View Post
I don't see any musulman here.
Or did they just throw her over?
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Old 12-08-2019, 20:08   #6110
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A pun tries to walk into a bar and is stopped at the door, ten people die on the spot.

No pun in, ten dead.
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Old 12-08-2019, 20:11   #6111
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I went to eat at a Mexican restaurant with my friend Sara. She had recently been diagnosed lactose intolerant, and hadn't eaten dairy in months, so I was a little surprised she wanted to eat there.

Before the server could even ask if we wanted an appetizer, Sara blurted out "I haven't had cheese in forever. Bring us a cheese dip, and don't even bother heating it up."

I raised my eyebrows. "Queso raw, Sara?"

She shrugged. "Whatever will be, will be."
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Old 13-08-2019, 03:03   #6112
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 13-08-2019, 05:18   #6113
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Not really a joke ...


“The Crackpot Index” ~ by John Baez ➥ Crackpot index
From his “Fun Stuff” page ➥ FUN

A simple method for rating potentially revolutionary contributions to physics:

A - 5 point starting credit.

1 point for every statement that is widely agreed on to be false.

2 points for every statement that is clearly vacuous.

3 points for every statement that is logically inconsistent.

5 points for each such statement that is adhered to despite careful correction.

5 points for using a thought experiment that contradicts the results of a widely accepted real experiment.

5 points for each word in all capital letters (except for those with defective keyboards).

5 points for each mention of "Einstien", "Hawkins" or "Feynmann".

10 points for each claim that quantum mechanics is fundamentally misguided (without good evidence).

10 points for pointing out that you have gone to school, as if this were evidence of sanity.

10 points for beginning the description of your theory by saying how long you have been working on it. (10 more for emphasizing that you worked on your own.)

10 points for mailing your theory to someone you don't know personally and asking them not to tell anyone else about it, for fear that your ideas will be stolen.

10 points for offering prize money to anyone who proves and/or finds any flaws in your theory.

10 points for each new term you invent and use without properly defining it.

10 points for each statement along the lines of "I'm not good at math, but my theory is conceptually right, so all I need is for someone to express it in terms of equations".

10 points for arguing that a current well-established theory is "only a theory", as if this were somehow a point against it.

10 points for arguing that while a current well-established theory predicts phenomena correctly, it doesn't explain "why" they occur, or fails to provide a "mechanism".

10 points for each favorable comparison of yourself to Einstein, or claim that special or general relativity are fundamentally misguided (without good evidence).

10 points for claiming that your work is on the cutting edge of a "paradigm shift".

20 points for emailing me and complaining about the crackpot index. (E.g., saying that it "suppresses original thinkers" or saying that I misspelled "Einstein" in item 8.)

20 points for suggesting that you deserve a Nobel prize.

20 points for each favorable comparison of yourself to Newton or claim that classical mechanics is fundamentally misguided (without good evidence).

20 points for every use of science fiction works or myths as if they were fact.

20 points for defending yourself by bringing up (real or imagined) ridicule accorded to your past theories.

20 points for naming something after yourself. (E.g., talking about the "The Evans Field Equation" when your name happens to be Evans.)

20 points for talking about how great your theory is, but never actually explaining it.

20 points for each use of the phrase "hidebound reactionary".

20 points for each use of the phrase "self-appointed defender of the orthodoxy".

30 points for suggesting that a famous figure secretly disbelieved in a theory which he or she publicly supported. (E.g., that Feynman was a closet opponent of special relativity, as deduced by reading between the lines in his freshman physics textbooks.)

30 points for suggesting that Einstein, in his later years, was groping his way towards the ideas you now advocate.

30 points for claiming that your theories were developed by an extraterrestrial civilization (without good evidence).

30 points for allusions to a delay in your work while you spent time in an asylum, or references to the psychiatrist who tried to talk you out of your theory.

40 points for comparing those who argue against your ideas to Nazis, stormtroopers, or brownshirts.

40 points for claiming that the "scientific establishment" is engaged in a "conspiracy" to prevent your work from gaining its well-deserved fame, or suchlike.

40 points for comparing yourself to Galileo, suggesting that a modern-day Inquisition is hard at work on your case, and so on.

40 points for claiming that when your theory is finally appreciated, present-day science will be seen for the sham it truly is. (30 more points for fantasizing about show trials in which scientists who mocked your theories will be forced to recant.)

50 points for claiming you have a revolutionary theory but giving no concrete testable predictions.
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Old 13-08-2019, 05:44   #6114
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by LakeSuperior View Post
A pun tries to walk into a bar and is stopped at the door, ten people die on the spot.

No pun in, ten dead.
That's what happens when those Ten ....don't o-pun the door
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Old 13-08-2019, 17:21   #6115
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This is the joke thread...
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Old 13-08-2019, 20:25   #6116
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Old 13-08-2019, 20:28   #6117
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Re: The New Joke Thread

For those who didn't already know where American beer comes from...

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Old 13-08-2019, 20:29   #6118
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Old 13-08-2019, 20:30   #6119
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Old 13-08-2019, 20:31   #6120
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