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Old 23-10-2015, 16:04   #586
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Maybe a repeat but.......

On his 60th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a cure for erectile dysfunction.

When the husband went to the reservation, the old medicine man gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned 'This is a very powerful medicine.

You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: '1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, took the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.


That's also reason # 572 to use a ball gag.
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Old 23-10-2015, 16:08   #587
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The old codger spied a lovely new lady octogenarian seated next to him at the dinner table in the nursing home. Eager to make a good impression on her, he leaned over and in his best Tyrone Powers impersonation, said, "I haven't had sex in so long, I forgot who gets tied up..."
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Old 23-10-2015, 17:00   #588
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Have I posted this before? Possibly. But it's still funny. And even on-topic for the forum...

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best...234040827.html
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Old 23-10-2015, 18:11   #589
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Thats one motivated seller.
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Old 23-10-2015, 18:16   #590
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Medicare Part G

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Part G.

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? Thatís great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they canít afford for you to go into a nursing home.

And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?

Now that you have solved your senior Long-Term Care problem, enjoy the rest of your week!!!


Go, now, and pick out a worthless politician (of which there are many) and apply for Part G.
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Old 23-10-2015, 18:48   #591
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Medicare Part G

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Part G.

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? Thatís great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they canít afford for you to go into a nursing home.

And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?

Now that you have solved your senior Long-Term Care problem, enjoy the rest of your week!!!


Go, now, and pick out a worthless politician (of which there are many) and apply for Part G.
Is it sad that I truly wish that was a real thing? The only thing I would add is more ammunition. Lots more.
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Old 23-10-2015, 19:00   #592
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Yeah, the Hilary Inquisition would be a good place to start. What a waste of space that lot are.

Although it might be worth keeping one up the spout for the Hillar-Monster. Just in case.

The next POTUS race looks like being a 'Hair Off' - between the Hillar-Monster's humungous mane and 'The Donald's' candy-floss creation.

Both scary at different levels and for a whole bunch of different reasons.

A comedy show in Oz, 'Gruen', asks "What would Donald do?" and then takes the piss out of him.....admittedly something that is fairly easy to do....

An Aussie cartoonist, Larry Pickering, once drew a cartoon of two little kids, boy and a girl. Girl says to Boy, "Is your Dad still a politician?" and the little Boy replies, "No, he decided to go straight."

Sums it all up, right there....
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Old 23-10-2015, 21:44   #593
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Here's an oldie....

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
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Old 23-10-2015, 22:38   #594
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Re: Here's an oldie....

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Originally Posted by bluewaterdreams View Post
ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.
originated in the 1930's and has been reused and modified ever since with current ships etc.
official, released by Chief of * versions have been around the Navy's comunication departments ever since and one of those got published on the internet in 1995.

still funny, because plausible, in every nations version.
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Old 24-10-2015, 00:24   #595
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Re: The New Joke Thread

"Drug and alcohol abuse are the biggest waste of life in Britain today"

Obviously not tried to call talk talk customer service yet then.
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Old 24-10-2015, 00:28   #596
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Current events... unfortunately, this one's not a joke, just plain ridiculous that a company with people's financial data didn't use secure encryption. How do these people get these jobs? From their uncles?

TalkTalk is facing increasing criticism after belatedly admitting it was the victim of a “significant and sustained” cyber-attack that has led to the theft of the credit card and bank details of up to 4 million customers.

The telecoms giant warned that the stolen customer data may not have been securely encrypted and that it had received a ransom demand from someone who claimed to have carried out the corporate hack.
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Old 24-10-2015, 08:45   #597
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The New Joke Thread

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That's also reason # 572 to use a ball gag.

Is anyone else questioning how Socaldmax knows what that is?? LOL!
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Old 24-10-2015, 09:46   #598
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Is anyone else questioning how Socaldmax knows what that is?? LOL!
It's all over prime time TV. Sitcoms and dramas, mostly.
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Old 24-10-2015, 10:58   #599
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Is anyone else questioning how Socaldmax knows what that is?? LOL!
I'd only be nervous if he had said a blindfold and chloroform.
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Old 24-10-2015, 10:59   #600
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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That's also reason # 572 to use a ball gag.
You can also replace ball gag with another dangling participle.....
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