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Old 20-05-2015, 10:23   #46
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Re: The New Joke Thread

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
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Old 20-05-2015, 10:24   #47
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Three cowboys are sitting round a fire. The first starts to tell yarns about
how he's the toughest cowboy ever. The second disagrees, and starts to tell
stories about how he's the toughest cowboy ever. The third just sits silently
by the fire, patiently stirring the coals with his johnson.
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Old 20-05-2015, 15:21   #48
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Each Friday night after work, Ole would fire up his barbeque on the shore of
Arthur's Lake and cook a venison steak.

All of Ole's neighbors were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were
forbidden from eating meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over the
neighborhood and was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that
they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Ole, and
suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Ole attended Mass... and as the priest
sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised
a Lutheran but now you are a Catholic."

Ole's neighbors were relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful
aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and he rushed over to
Ole's place clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and
watched in amazement.

There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully
sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You vuz born a deer, you vuz
raised a deer, but now you is a rainbow trout."
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Old 28-05-2015, 00:28   #49
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Ok I see we are in a dryspell...Not much of one but I just saw it...
I never get jealous when I see one of my ex's out with someone else, because my parents taught me to give my used toys away to someone less fortunate.
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Old 28-05-2015, 01:37   #50
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Re: The New Joke Thread

'PRINCESS Charlotte Elizabeth Diana was named after Prince Charles’ greatest enemies, it has emerged.

Royal insiders revealed the name is designed to drive Charles insane by reminding him of the people who ruined his life, thus paving the way for Prince William to succeed the Queen.

A source said: “It combines the person who refuses to relinquish the throne he covets and the person who made everyone think he was a ****.

“And Charlotte is a woman on eBay who keeps beating him to the Franklin Mint royal memorabilia he collects. Whenever he hears it his eyelid twitches for a good half hour.”

It is understood William and Kate forced Charles to accept the name by insisting it was a choice between Charlotte Elizabeth Diana and ‘Trotsky Ringpiece Robespierre’.

Meanwhile, the royal nannies will teach Princess Charlotte to say ‘you’ll never be king’ whenever she meets her grandfather.'

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Old 28-05-2015, 04:17   #51
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Bum**** , Wyoming .

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy - down on his luck- bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go right ahead.'

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his
place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says,'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'
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Old 28-05-2015, 05:18   #52
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Cracks me up everytime..

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."
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Old 28-05-2015, 16:46   #53
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the
</SPAN>
club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling,
the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in atopless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it,so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to
drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she
bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he
said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second
shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak,
but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole,
knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde
continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want
to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled
across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his
putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darling', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the
blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"



REMEMBER . . . OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!



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Old 28-05-2015, 16:57   #54
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Pilot Philosophy...

A check ride ought to be like a skirt.
Short enough to be interesting,
but long enough to cover everything.

Speed is life. Altitude is life insurance.

It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed, and money.

The three most dangerous things in aviation:
1. A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna.
2. Two captains in a DC-9.

Aircraft Identification:
If it's ugly, it's British.
If it's weird, it's French.
If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.

Without ammunition, the U.S.A.F. would be just another, very expensive flying club.
The similarity between air traffic, controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines:
The engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.

New FAA motto: 'We're not happy, till you're not happy.'
If Air Traffic Control screws up, it's called a "System Malfunction,"
If a pilot screws up it's called a "violation."

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter--it's about to.

I give that landing a 9 ................. on the Richter scale.

Basic Flying Rules:

1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance
of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.

Unknown landing signal officer (LSO) to carrier pilot after his
sixth unsuccessful landing attempt:
"You've got to land here son . . .this is where the food is."


The three best things in life are:
A good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement.
A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities
to experience all three at the same time.
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Old 28-05-2015, 16:59   #55
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Ever wonder what the feathers in an Indian's headdressstood for?

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief,asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied. Pointing to a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, onefeather. Him?", pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."

The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."

Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"

The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung biglike buffalo, long like snake."

The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style,wolf-style, any style!"

The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"

"No deer,"said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast."
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Old 29-05-2015, 00:55   #56
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in it now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.

So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says .......

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"


Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs...

Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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Old 29-05-2015, 01:03   #57
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Re: The New Joke Thread

BREAKING NEWS: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
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Old 29-05-2015, 01:21   #58
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Jesus was bored one day and said, "Yo, Pete, let's go down to Augusta and play a round, it's not like we get anybody coming to Heaven these days!" St. Peter agreed, and they ended up playing a round of golf at Augusta. On number 5, a par 4 with a water hazard in front of the green, Jesus was getting ready for his second shot. "Remember when Jack Nicklaus did this shot and bounced the ball right off the pond? I bet I can do it too!" St Peter replied, "You aren't Jack Nicklaus, don't bother."

"Jack Nicklaus would use a 7 iron", Jesus said. "You’re not Jack Nicklaus: use your 5 iron" was Peter’s reply. "No, Jack Nicklaus could do this with a 7 iron and so can I" was his reply. Jesus swung and the ball soared off to fall in the center of the pond.

"Drop another ball and try again, but this time use the 5 iron" said Peter. "No, Jack Nicholas would use a 7 iron, and so will I," Jesus insisted After Jesus lost four balls this way he started off down the fairway to retrieve them. Another foursome came up behind Peter just as Jesus started to walk out onto the water. "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?" one of them said in astonishment. "He IS Jesus Christ" Peter replied. "He THINKS he’s Jack Nicklaus!"
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Old 29-05-2015, 01:23   #59
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Re: The New Joke Thread

About 10 years ago, long before I first met him, a friend of mine was playing a round of golf with his wife. On the sixth hole he drove a terrible slice into a barnyard next to the fairway. After surveying the situation, his wife suggested "If you open the doors at both ends of the barn, you might be able to drive the ball through the barn and back onto the fairway." So they opened the doors and after a few moments of preparation, he swung the club. The ball soared up into the rafters of the barn, hit a big beam, and came blistering back out, hitting his wife in the head and killing her. Needless to say, this ruined the day for him.

Last month, I was playing the same course with him. On number six, I sliced into the barnyard. After briefly surveying the situation and being unaware of his previous misfortune, I said "If I open the doors at both ends of the barn, I might be able to drive the ball through the barn and back onto the fairway." "I wouldn’t try that if I were you", my friend chimed in. "Why not?" I inquired. "I tried that about 10 years ago." He responded. "I ended up with a double bogey on the hole."
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Old 29-05-2015, 01:40   #60
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Two men ran out to the course for a quick nine after work. They get to the tee and see two ladies playing ahead of them.

One of the men complains that the ladies will slow them down and says he is going to ask if they can play through. He goes halfway to the ladies and turns back.

The other man asked what was wrong. The man said, "I can't go up there that's my wife and my mistress."

So the other man says he will go. He goes halfway and comes back. His partner asked what happened and the man replied, "Small world, huh?"
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