The New Joke Thread

[GordMay]

[socaldmax]

US Navy fast attack subs used to be named after fish, like Sturgeon, Permit, Flasher, Plunger, Dolphin, etc.

So when an old sub sailor starts telling old sea stories, we call them "usetafish stories" because we called their old boat "usetafish."

They would start off with, "Back on the old Permit, we used ta..."

[socaldmax]

Here's a usetafish story.

It was a bright, sunny day in port in San Diego. My watch section had the duty and I was section leader, meaning if the topside watch messed up, I'd hear all about it from the Duty Chief and possibly Officer of the Day.

I was topside when a LCDR with no warfare pins, from the tender came across the brow and saluted the Ensign and my brow sentry allowed him to pass, but didn't salute him. We usually didn't back then on a sub, unless it was an Admiral and a big inspection or something.

The LCDR gets to the topside watch and a 3rd class torpedoman submarine qualified(TM3/SS) walked past him without acknowledging him. This seemed to really set him off and he yelled at the TM3 to stop.

He came back over to the LCDR and said, "Sir?"

The LCDR said, "Did you forget something sailor?"

The TM3 checked all of his pockets, made sure his gig line was straight, he had his ball cap on level, then said, "Not that I'm aware of sir."

Now the LCDR is in a rage and trying not to yell, "I'm an Officer in the US Navy and I've earned the respect of a salute, which you have forgotten to give me!" "What do you think we should do about that!?"

The TM3 didn't miss a beat. "I think you need to get some Dolphins on your chest, then come back and talk to me." Then he turned around and walked away.

I was about 10 ft away and was nearly dying stifling my laughter!

The LCDR storms over to the topside watch and screams at him, "GET YOUR CO UP HERE NOW!!!"

The topside watch calls over the 1MC for the Captain to lay topside for a visitor.

The Captain (a CDR) is in a good mood and comes up the ladder and looks around at the bright sunshine and casually comes over to the LCDR and says, "What can I do for you?"

The LCDR is practically yelling, "I came onboard and some insolent 3rd class wouldn't even salute me! When I told him to, he said, "Get some Dolphins on your chest then come talk to him!!"

My CO, who had been smiling when he greeted the LCDR, broke into an even bigger grin and said, "Well now that sounds like some excellent advice. Maybe you should heed it. Anything else you'd like to discuss?"

The LCDR handed over some files and stormed off the boat.

The CO went back down the hatch and the topside watch and I nearly fell off the boat laughing so hard!!!

Shortly after, I was making my rounds belowdecks and passed by the CO's stateroom. He yelled out, "Hey Steve!"

I replied, "Yes sir?"

He asked, "I take it you saw everything that happened topside?"

I replied, "Yes, sir!"

He smiled, shaking his head and said, "Some people's kids, eh?"

"Yes sir, some people's kids!" I replied.

[D&D]

A Ship Wrecked Irishman


One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself... "It's certainly not a ship."?? And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.??

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.?? Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!??

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar???

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars.??

He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"??

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.??

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."??

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!"?? Stated the Irishman. ''Tis truly fantastic!!!"??

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"??

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!?? Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

[socaldmax]

What's with all of the question marks?? Was that a joke or a questionnaire??

[socaldmax]

[GordMay]

After 67 years, MAD Magazine is ceasing publication
“Mad” Magazine, the long-running satirical magazine, that influenced everyone from "Weird Al" Yankovic to the writers of The Simpsons, will be leaving newsstands after its August issue.
After that, issues will be available only via comic book stores and subscriptions. Issues after No. 10, of its current volume, will reprint earlier material with new covers. However, the magazine will continue to publish its end-of-year special, books and special collections.

[Buzzman]

Digital subscription might work.....

saw this in an article in today's SMH.

Maybe they should rename it "SAD" magazine.

It's how readers are feeling today.

[Tayana42]

I would be distressed about this but... what, me worry?

[Adelie]

Num, me vexo?

[LakeSuperior]

I was on the phone with my wife.

"I'm nearly home dear, can you put the kettle on for me?"

After 30 seconds of silence, I said "Hello? Are you still there?"

"Yes" she replied, "I don't think the kettle wants to talk to you right now"

[LakeSuperior]

As I’ve grown older, I realized the number of people I’ve lost along the way has increased.

Maybe a career as a tour guide isn't suited tor me.

[LakeSuperior]

Did you know there used to be a Ford Econoline in the painting “Starry Night”?

So the question is, where did the Van Gogh?

[IslandHopper]

A young couple are driving through remote countryside on a freezing night, when suddenly, there’s the unmistakable “whop-whop-whop” of a flat tyre.

They pull over. It’s pitch black, the place is deserted and frost is starting to form on the vegetation. The man pulls out his phone torch, and starts to unpack the boot, getting out the spare, the tool kit and whatnot. He’s barely got the jack nipped up under the sill when it’s so darned cold he can’t take it any more and dives back into the car.

“What’s the matter?” his partner asks? “I’m freezing, can’t feel my hands to continue!”

She responds, “Why not put your hands between my thighs and warm them for a bit?”... He gratefully accepts the offer, and after a few minutes he’s ready to jump back into the cold blackness.

Ten minutes later, the wheel change is well progressed and he dives back into the car again. “What is it this time?” she asks. The same, he utters between body-wracking shivers of near hypothermia. She holds him tight and once again he warms his hands pressed between her thighs...

The final stretch in sight, weary cold man gets out; working fast as he can everything is buttoned up and packed away. He jumps back in the car, a sigh of relief on his lips. About to turn the key, he realises his partner is looking rather disappointed. “What’s the matter?” he asks. “I thought you’d be pleased we’re all good now?”

She looks at him wistfully. “Aren’t your ears cold?”

[socaldmax]