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Old 16-10-2015, 02:37   #541
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Santa always seems to be in a jolly good mood. That's because he knows where all the "bad" girls live.
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Old 16-10-2015, 02:39   #542
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Re: The New Joke Thread

What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?

Banned from the petting zoo.
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Old 16-10-2015, 02:41   #543
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Apparently scientists have found female hormones in beer.

They observed that after they gave three men twelve pints, suddenly they got emotional, gained weight and couldn't drive.
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Old 16-10-2015, 02:42   #544
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I've just taken up speed reading. Last night I did war and peace in 20 seconds.

I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!
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Old 16-10-2015, 02:43   #545
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when he and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.
"Drink it," they said, giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the bastards were trying to pull.



Fosters.
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Old 16-10-2015, 02:47   #546
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Since there are more Chinese people than any other race on Earth, does that mean they have normal eyes and we have big crazy googly ones?
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Old 16-10-2015, 02:49   #547
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Re: The New Joke Thread

American scientists have finally developed a car that runs on water!

Sadly, so far it only works with the water from the Gulf of Mexico.
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Old 16-10-2015, 02:49   #548
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'.
You probably saw our posters.
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Old 16-10-2015, 02:51   #549
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Re: The New Joke Thread

After queueing up for almost half an hour in the chemist last week, I finally got to the counter and the woman looked at me and said, "I'm really sorry about your wait."

In a rattled state, I replied, "You're not so frigging skinny yourself, actually."
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Old 16-10-2015, 02:53   #550
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I got a call at work today from the hospital. They said my wife had been admitted and she may have to be kept in overnight.

I was very worried; who would cook the dinner?
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Old 16-10-2015, 02:55   #551
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The day after Christmas, I had a guy knock on my door, trying to preach to me about Jesus, saying how I should repent for my sins.

My 10-year-old son was still excited and ran to the door shouting "Santa Claus came to my house!"

The man looked at me and said "Isn't he a bit old to believe that there's an invisible man in the sky, watching everything you do, judging whether you're good or bad?"

I looked at him and asked "Sorry, which church were you from again?"
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Old 16-10-2015, 02:58   #552
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party.

That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.
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Old 16-10-2015, 03:00   #553
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I was thinking of starting up a small zoo, so I wrote a letter to London Zoo;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a zoo, please send me two mongooses."

I thought that didn't sound right so I tried again;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me two mongeese."

Nope, that still didn't sound right;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me two mongi."

Ahh, screw it, I thought,

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me a mongoose.

P.S. Send me another one."
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Old 16-10-2015, 03:05   #554
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Barack Obama wakes up one morning, feeling good. He calls in his Vice-President.
"Joe", he says, "I think I need a new title to reflect my position as leader of the free world. I'm going to call myself King."

"You can't do that," says Joe, "you don't have a kingdom."

"Okay then," says Barack, "what about Emperor?"

"No good. You don't have an empire."

"Prince?"

"No. America isn't a principality."

"Okay... Err... Duke?"

"Nor is it a Duchy."

"Well, do you have any better ideas?" asks an exasperated Obama.

Biden smiles. "It's obvious, Barack," he says. "You run a country."
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Old 16-10-2015, 03:06   #555
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I was in Tesco and saw a guy off Crimewatch who is wanted for several robberies. I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious. The police arrived and arrested me.


Apparently they use actors on the show.
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