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Old 11-10-2015, 10:56   #511
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Re: The New Joke Thread

There are two types of people in the world:

Those who think there are 2 types of people,

and those that don't.
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Old 11-10-2015, 13:34   #512
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I'm about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties.

My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: She bought me some Viagra;

And I've bought her a treadmill.
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Old 11-10-2015, 18:47   #513
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My wife and I had another argument about expenses.

I was complaining about all the money she spent on makeup, hair dressers, etc.
She complained about me buying a few cartons of beer.

Finally she said "But honey, I buy all that so that I look good to you".
And I said "That's why I buy the beer".

I should be out of hospital next week.
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Old 11-10-2015, 22:27   #514
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."
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Old 12-10-2015, 12:17   #515
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Re: The New Joke Thread

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper.

One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor and the housekeeper.

After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The Pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter."

So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."

The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I' m not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."
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Old 12-10-2015, 16:49   #516
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Two cannibals, a father and a son were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said "Ooh Dad, there's one." "No," said the father, "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

A little while later, along came this really overweight man. The son said, "Hey Dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," said the father, "We'll all die of a heart attack from the fat on that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, this absolutely gorgeous woman walks by. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father, "We will not eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because we are going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
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Old 12-10-2015, 17:00   #517
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy", is the mans' response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there".

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, Chihuahua, shotgun and a pair of hand cuffs. He then gives the man some instructions.

"Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's balls off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on".

The man asks "What do I do with the shotgun?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog"
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Old 12-10-2015, 17:03   #518
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
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Old 12-10-2015, 17:06   #519
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Things to ponder


If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with mouth wash?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
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Old 12-10-2015, 21:08   #520
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So I was thinking about the "Be Nice" rule
(ahem.... No reference to this forum.) and
then the idea of "live & let live" popped up
and, you know, not censoring people's ideas,
or thoughts,
and this came across my screen:
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Old 12-10-2015, 21:09   #521
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Re: The New Joke Thread

But I'm all better now 'cause then I thought about THIS:
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Old 14-10-2015, 00:47   #522
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Condoms prevent minivans...
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Old 14-10-2015, 03:22   #523
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother are upstairs in their bed room. The 7 year old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7 year old says, "When we go down stairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say "Hell" and you say "ass." The 4 year old happily agrees.

As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their Mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7 year old replies, "Ah hell, mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."

"WHACK!" The surprised mother reacts quickly. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?" "I don't know," the 4 year old blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it's not gonna be Cheerios!"
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Old 14-10-2015, 05:17   #524
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by justlearnin View Post
Condoms prevent minivans...
Sorry, I must be particularly dull today, I don't get it. Care to explain?
(Maybe it's a cultural thing?)


Edit:
OK, I get in. Yep, it's a cultural thing.

Seems that in North America a "minivan" is a "people carrier", not the "cargo carrier" that I immediately pictured.
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Old 14-10-2015, 06:05   #525
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Come on Stu, it's not that early is it?
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