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Old 02-10-2015, 00:02   #436
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This smoking ban in cars is a disgrace. Having a pint without a cigarette just isn't the same.
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Old 02-10-2015, 00:11   #437
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My new girlfriend is a porn star.


She's going to be so pissed when she finds out!
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Old 02-10-2015, 00:23   #438
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Why I fired my secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
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Old 02-10-2015, 00:29   #439
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I have decided to produce and sell a strong alcoholic drink called "Responsibly"

That way everyone in the country can get **** faced drinking responsibly.

And all the other drinks makers will be advertising for me on their cans with the slogan "please drink responsibly"

Probably will piss off the government as well.
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Old 02-10-2015, 00:31   #440
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:

I just accidentally reversed into your car.
Quite a few people saw me do it.
They think I'm leaving my name and details.
Well, I'm not.
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Old 02-10-2015, 00:33   #441
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

Unbelievable what some people are into.
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Old 02-10-2015, 00:35   #442
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Think about it
---------------------------------

I had amnesia once - or twice.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows
up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a
man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
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Old 02-10-2015, 00:37   #443
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I got stopped by a woman in the street today.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?"
I said, "Yes, she's nearly 2 now."
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Old 02-10-2015, 00:40   #444
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, "They can't do two things at once."

At this, I interrupted and said, "Actually, we can!"

"Give me an example," she replied.

"Well, when we're having sex with you, we're usually thinking about your best friend."

God, I had no idea how expensive divorce attorneys are!
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Old 02-10-2015, 00:44   #445
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Re: The New Joke Thread

It took 10 years, trillions of dollars, thousands of soldiers dead, state of the art technology and Seal Team Six, but the US finally found Bin Laden.

In his house.
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Old 02-10-2015, 00:46   #446
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.
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Old 02-10-2015, 00:49   #447
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
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Old 02-10-2015, 01:57   #448
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Re: The New Joke Thread

People keep asking my girlfriend when she's going to get in shape. "What do you mean? Pear is a shape!"
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Old 02-10-2015, 01:58   #449
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Re: The New Joke Thread

She felt bad about her eating habits, she spends all of her time rummaging through the fridge. So she renamed the fridge to "Gym" and now she tells people she went to the gym first thing in the morning!
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Old 02-10-2015, 02:23   #450
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Re: The New Joke Thread

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said:

"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of ours do, to our amazement, and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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