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Old 12-05-2015, 03:25   #31
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I'm looking for a new job. I started as a watchmaker, which was great because I made my own hours. Unfortunately, I didn't have the hands for it.

Then I tried being a grocer. But it only offered a meager celery and I came home every evening beet.

I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice too my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

I thought about joining the army. But my name is William and everyone kept yelling "Fire at Will!" Plus, they're only looking for recruits of high caliber.

Then I was offered a job as a cartoonist. But the entire industry seems a little sketchy.

For now, I'm working as a magician. But getting the tricks right is so frustrating; I'm pulling my hare out!



NOTE: Not to be confused with the prior "jobs" post... That was from my evil twin brother.....
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Old 12-05-2015, 03:35   #32
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A 2014 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

Not Bad...
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Old 12-05-2015, 03:36   #33
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Re: The New Joke Thread

At a motivational seminar 3 men are asked to come up to the stage.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
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Old 12-05-2015, 03:48   #34
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I miss Coops. You know - from the original "The Joke Thread"?

http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/...archid=8436987

Still wonder if he's okay....

The guy simply had a way with jokes.

Now Coops, well, he's the kind of guy that makes folks laugh out loud.

Come back, Shane!!


One day a boy saw a farmer selling a donkey for $100.00. The boy told the farmer he would pay the money if the farmer could deliver it to his house. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day but when he arrived at the boy's house there was no donkey. He told the boy that the donkey died during the night. Saddened, the boy asked for his money back. "I'm afraid I have already spent the money." the farmer said. "Well, then just give me the donkey." said the boy. "What are you going to do with a dead donkey?" asked the farmer. The boy told the farmer he would think of something, so the farmer delivered the donkey the next day.

The next month the farmer saw the boy and asked him what he ever did with the donkey. "I made $895.00 off of that thing." the boy said. " How could you make that much money off of a dead donkey?" the farmer wanted to know. The boy said, "I didn't tell anyone he was dead at first. I just put up signs around town that said I was going to raffle off a beautiful donkey for raffle tickets that cost $5.00 and I sold 200 tickets." "Wait a minute", said the farmer, "you said you made $895.00 but if you sold 200 tickets at $5.00 each that's $1,000.00. After you subtract the $100.00 you paid me you should have made $900.00". "You're right", said the boy, "But when the winner found out the donkey was dead he was a little upset so I gave him his money back."
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Old 13-05-2015, 15:11   #35
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A Kiwi walked into the local Centrelink office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I'm looking for a job.”
The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The
hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is $200,000 a year"
The Kiwi said, "You're bullshitting me!"
The man behind the counter replied, "Well you started it!”
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Old 13-05-2015, 15:13   #36
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Re: The New Joke Thread

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realising that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."
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Old 20-05-2015, 01:22   #37
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Re: The New Joke Thread

if you guys keep not posting jokes im gonna have to go back to porn... post post post already.
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Old 20-05-2015, 03:14   #38
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seaworthy Lass View Post
Well, it's off topic, but in my case this applies:

Heroic, handsome hunk
Understanding and unflappable
Satisfying () and supportive
Bighearted, brave and brilliant
Adorable, adventurous anchorholic
Nice (says it all )
Dependable and decent and for some weird reason devoted

Had a couple too many G&T's when you wrote this Lassie?
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Old 20-05-2015, 03:37   #39
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Q: What's the downside to bigamy?
A: More than one mother-in-law.
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Old 20-05-2015, 03:41   #40
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend when the telephone rang.
After hanging up, she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry -- he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''



Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time.
Julie: "I should warn you, Ted: I've got acute angina."
Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."
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Old 20-05-2015, 03:45   #41
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."

The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"

To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here -- how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"
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Old 20-05-2015, 10:20   #42
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Re: The New Joke Thread

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 pounds.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
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Old 20-05-2015, 10:20   #43
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Re: The New Joke Thread

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
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Old 20-05-2015, 10:21   #44
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Re: The New Joke Thread

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get the remote.
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Old 20-05-2015, 10:22   #45
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Re: The New Joke Thread

What's the definition of Australian aristocracy?
A man who can trace his lineage back to his father.
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