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Old 09-09-2015, 10:30   #391
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.... Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took….

The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible."
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Old 09-09-2015, 10:40   #392
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Two men and a woman are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally got through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who took them to a small room with another room adjacent to it.

They brought the first guy's wife into the room and left her there. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the first man saying, "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room. He came back out one minute later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you fail out, so get out."

The second candidate's wife was brought to the room. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the second man and said, "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room, but returned three minutes later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you fail out - get out."

Finally, the third candidate's husband was left in the adjacent room. The instructor loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the woman and said, "Go kill your husband of fifteen years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room where there is silence for one minute. Suddenly, there was the sound of two gunshot, followed by a huge commotion in the room.

The woman came out finally, sweating profusely, and said, "The damn gun you gave me had blanks, so I had to beat the SOB to death with a chair."
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Old 11-09-2015, 23:20   #393
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The Salvation Army realised that it had never received a donation from
the city's most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in
his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even
though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny
to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show
you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge
medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled
Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support
his wife and six children?
The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a
dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three
children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities
requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.


And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you
think I'd give any to you?
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Old 12-09-2015, 00:06   #394
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Paddy's wife gave birth to triplets.

"How on earth did that happen?" Paddy said.

His wife replied..."Remember that night I was very dry and we had no Vasoline so we used 3-in1 oil?"

"Bejaysus..." said Paddy "I'm feckin glad we didn't use WD40!!"
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Old 13-09-2015, 10:55   #395
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Sometimes, they just don't get it...
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Old 13-09-2015, 13:02   #396
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Re: The New Joke Thread

You guys know...
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Old 13-09-2015, 13:03   #397
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Talented dog...
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Old 22-09-2015, 19:24   #398
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Re: The New Joke Thread

We found out today, sadly, that my wife is allergic to our beloved little Springer spaniel.

I know this is not a re- homing site but please find it in your hearts to help us out .

Her name is Maureen, she is 47 years old, and quite good at cooking.

Thanks in anticipation.
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Old 24-09-2015, 18:32   #399
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie and decides to test it out at dinner one night...

The father asks the son what he did that afternoon. The son says "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. The son says "OK, OK...I was at a friend's house watching a movie."

Dad asks "What movie did you watch?"

The son says "Toy Story" and the robot slaps the son again. Son says "OK, OK I was watching porn."

Dad says "What?! At your age I didn't even know what porn was..." and the robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says "Well, he certainly is your son..."

The robot slaps the mother.
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Old 24-09-2015, 19:36   #400
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Just thinking 'bout stuff....

When you think about how huge the earth is, and how it's a fraction the size of the sun, which is just a speck of dust in the entire universe... It's easy to rationalize eating an entire cake.

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Old 25-09-2015, 10:20   #401
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Feeling small today.
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Old 25-09-2015, 11:46   #402
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Re: The New Joke Thread

You know it's true...
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Old 25-09-2015, 11:47   #403
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Look very closely...
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Old 25-09-2015, 11:49   #404
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Blasphemy!
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Old 25-09-2015, 11:51   #405
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The proof is pretty compelling...
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