The New Joke Thread

[JPA Cate]

OKay, then, just learnin, tell us your very favorite joke....... Please.

[PortClydeMe]

Originally Posted by justlearnin

Hello Hello Anybody out there??? I'm going thru withdrawls. No jokes in SOOOOOOO long.

Here 'ya go:

1) Out-of-state cruiser & Maine lobsterman:

Cruiser: "Have you lived here your whole life?"

Lobsterman: "Not yet."


2) Out-of-state cruiser & Maine lobsterman:

Cruiser: "I've been looking around. Can you please tell me where the center of town is?"

Lobsterman: "Don't move one single inch."

[Buzzman]

Qantas flight 256, Sydney to Melbourne, has boarded. The passengers are all sitting patiently in their seats and the cabin crew are hanging up the last of the jackets and checking the seatbelts. But the passengers can see - thanks to the open door to the flight deck - that neither pilot not co-pilot has arrived.

Then suddenly, just seconds before the scheduled take-of time, they appear in the doorway. Resplendent in their uniforms, one has hold of a seeing-eye dog, while the other tap taps his way with a white cane. Both are wearing dark glasses.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin. The passengers are convinced this is some kind of joke.

The door to the flight deck closes. The engines start.

After the usual admonishments about safety procedures, the plane is positioned for take-off.
The plane begins to accelarate down the run way towards the waters of Botany Bay.

It starts to look as though the plane will never lift off - that it will plunge off the tarmac and into the bay. Screams of panic fill the cabin.

At that exact moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

Up in the cockpit, the captain turns to the co-pilot and says, 'You know, Arthur, one of these days they're going to scream too late, and we'll all die.'

[Buzzman]

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's, and H's!

Well, you can't say fairer than that then, can you?


I poured Spot remover on my dog. And now he's disappeared.


I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.


Mechanic: "I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your horn louder!"


Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.


How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

[chris mac]

A pirate walks in to a bar with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch. The bartender looks him over and asked. You look to have had a bad run, what happened to your leg? The pirate points at his leg and says" a shark bit me leg off"
What happened to your hand? "I punched the shark and it bit me hand off"
Well what happened to your eye? "A pelican shat in me eye"
The bartender was confused by that one so asked how pelican poop could make you lose your eye? "Yarr, it was me first day with me hook hand":ar!

[D&D]

[jomac1]

Years ago prince charles and lady diana were on a world goodwill tour ,at the time they were in australia,charles had consented to open a new childrens hospital in wagga wagga so he flew off by himself, when the plane landed and the door opened the photographers and reporters were amazed to see charles wearing what looked like a fox on his head(like a davy crocket hat) but a fox with a long bushy tail out the back the photographers reporters and dignitaries were quite taken aback by this ,until one of the reporters asked him if wearing the fox was a symbol of the monarchy or badge of office ,prince charles replied that no it wasnt but diana had told him to wear it, the same reporter then asked why, charles replied that diana at breakfast had asked him what his plans were for the day , he replied that he was opening a new childrens hospital in wagga wagga, diana said where the fox hat

[Miniyot]

Originally Posted by chris mac

A pirate walks in to a bar with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch. The bartender looks him over and asked. You look to have had a bad run, what happened to your leg? The pirate points at his leg and says" a shark bit me leg off"
What happened to your hand? "I punched the shark and it bit me hand off"
Well what happened to your eye? "A pelican shat in me eye"
The bartender was confused by that one so asked how pelican poop could make you lose your eye? "Yarr, it was me first day with me hook hand":ar!

You forgot the one where pegleg walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of rum. The barwench asks him why he has a shipswheel in his pants and doesn't it hurt,,,,
he replies YAR, It's drivin' me nutz!

[tbodine88]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 pounds.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

An the difference between a happy man and sad man?


5 seconds after he tells his wife she's gained ANY pounds after they married

[D&D]

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
-------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
-------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

[Sea Dreaming]

The short version. ..

A reporter has to interview the longest living backwoods man in his state. The old colder lives way out in the boonies with no running water, no electricity and no central heat. When he arrives the old man invites the reporter for dinner. The reporter accepts and the man hands him a plate that seems to be a little grungy. He asks the man for a clean plate but the old man just replies "that's as clean as cold water can get me! ".

So the reporter finishes his meal and offers to clean up but the old man responds "no need, cold water will do it. "
Just then an old hunting hound shuffles into the kitchen and the old man exclaims "there you are, Cold Water! Where you been boy?"

[GILow]

A man steps out his back door to see his neighbour digging a hole in the ground.


"Hi neighbour, what's the hole for?" he asks.


"I'm burying my goldfish." comes the reply.


"That seems a pretty big hole for a goldfish."


"That's because it's inside your f--n cat."

[justlearnin]

A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in...

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"

The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.

"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"

The wife runs to the fridge

"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DAMN EGGS!"

At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.

She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs."

The husband simply smiles, remarks "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car", and leaves.

[justlearnin]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

[socaldmax]

Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.... Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took….

The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible."