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Old 30-07-2015, 21:08   #346
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Therapy View Post
When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"
Words from somebody confident in his masculinity.
Well said, Sir. Well said.
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Old 31-07-2015, 01:51   #347
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Sacre bleu! That little thing?

OMG.

Ann
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Old 31-07-2015, 05:08   #348
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Or (true story) as a woman I know said when she was a college student , studying in the stacks at the library and a guy snuck up behind her, put his doodle on her shoulder and said "do you know what this is?"

Cooly she looked and said - "looks like a miniature penis to me."


This gal had a lot of cool - the guy sluck away
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Old 31-07-2015, 18:12   #349
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Re: The New Joke Thread

For years we owned and operated a pub in a country NSW city that had a university.
Beth and I went out to lunch and left a little blonde bombshell in charge of the bar.
Three young guys came in and ordered beer. Jacqui refused them as they were plastered.
Their response was "If you don't serve us Jac, we'll take our clothes off."
She refused, so they stripped.
Jacqui rang the police and in a LOUD voice said , " Sergeant, I have three naked young men in the bar, and they have very small penises!"

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Old 01-08-2015, 11:04   #350
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Some more current events...
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Old 01-08-2015, 11:11   #351
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
Some more current events...
Animal rights people are for Lions, not zebra's!
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Old 04-08-2015, 23:20   #352
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Here's one for the monkey's..........


Psychology 101- Behavior Experiment

You start with a cage containing four monkeys, and
inside the cage you hang a banana on a string, and then you place a set of
stairs under the banana.

Before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana.

You then spray ALL the monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt. As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray ALL the monkeys with cold water.

Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new monkey. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, ALL of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original four monkeys, replacing it with a new monkey. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment - with enthusiasm -- because he is now part of the "team."

Then, replace a third original monkey with a new
monkey, followed by the fourth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the
stairs, he is attacked.

Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no
idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know
why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
Having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys
will have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, not one of the
monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana.

Why, you ask?
Because in their minds, that is the way it has always been!

This is how today's House and Senate operates,and this is why, from time to time, ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME!

DISCLAIMER: This is meant as no disrespect to monkeys.
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Old 05-08-2015, 01:06   #353
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.

A passer-by remarked, "That person must have loved fishing."

"Oh, she still does..." remarked one of the mourners. "As a matter of fact, she's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury her husband."
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Old 05-08-2015, 09:46   #354
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
Here's one for the monkey's..........


Psychology 101- Behavior Experiment

You start with a cage containing four monkeys, and
inside the cage you hang a banana on a string, and then you place a set of
stairs under the banana.

Before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana.

You then spray ALL the monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt. As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray ALL the monkeys with cold water.

Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new monkey. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, ALL of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original four monkeys, replacing it with a new monkey. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment - with enthusiasm -- because he is now part of the "team."

Then, replace a third original monkey with a new
monkey, followed by the fourth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the
stairs, he is attacked.

Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no
idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know
why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
Having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys
will have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, not one of the
monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana.

Why, you ask?
Because in their minds, that is the way it has always been!

This is how today's House and Senate operates,and this is why, from time to time, ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME!

DISCLAIMER: This is meant as no disrespect to monkeys.
Err............wrong thread - thats no joke.
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Old 05-08-2015, 09:56   #355
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Re: The New Joke Thread

As they say, it's funny because it's true!
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Old 12-08-2015, 18:02   #356
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Re: The New Joke Thread

ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation.

BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.

BULIMIA: Retched excess.

CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.

CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses.

CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.

DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten ones grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.

DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.

ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise.

FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.

FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.

GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.

HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge cliches.

JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning.

LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.

LECHER: A stud with liver spots.

LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot.

LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.

MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.

MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.

NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.

NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it.

OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for our neighbors parakeet.

POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.

QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.

REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person wating for the opportunity to become an oppressor.

SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.

STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent. Also SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala.

STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.

TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question How are you? in the negative.

UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork.

URINAL: The one place where all men are peers.

VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace.

WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room. 2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.

X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.

ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.

Plagiarised from:
Cynical Definitions... - Nobody Asked Me...
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Old 12-08-2015, 18:44   #357
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This is real INSEMINATION.


.
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Old 12-08-2015, 18:52   #358
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
This is real INSEMINATION.


.
Holy crap!
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Old 12-08-2015, 18:54   #359
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So, that's why they have such large litters.
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Old 12-08-2015, 22:01   #360
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An oldie with (perhaps?) some new twists...

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.


You give one to your neighbour.


COMMUNISM


You have 2 cows.


The State takes both and gives you some milk.


FASCISM


You have 2 cows.


The State takes both and sells you some milk.


BUREAUCRATISM


You have 2 cows.


The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM


You have two cows.


You sell one and buy a bull..


Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.


You sell them and retire on the income.


VENTURE CAPITALISM


You have two cows.


You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.


The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.


The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION


You have two cows.


You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.


Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.


A FRENCH CORPORATION


You have two cows.


You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION


You have two cows, but you dont know where they are.


You decide to have lunch.


A POLISH CORPORATION


You have two horses.


You forge a few documents - you now have two cows!


A SWISS CORPORATION


You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.


You charge the owners for storing them.


A CHINESE CORPORATION


You have two cows.


You have 300 people milking them.


You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.


You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION


You have two cows.


You worship them.


A BRITISH CORPORATION


You have two cows.


Both are mad.


AN IRAQI CORPORATION


Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.


You tell them that you have none.


Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.


You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.


AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION


You have two cows.


Business seems pretty good.


You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION


You have two cows.


The one on the left looks very attractive..


A GREEK CORPORATION


You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.


You eat both of them.


The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.


The IMF loans you two cows.


You eat both of them.


The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.


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