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Old 19-07-2015, 17:32   #331
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb.
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Old 20-07-2015, 20:16   #332
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The younger generation may not know it but at one time Willie Nelson was songwriter of the year. Such songs as "Hello Wall", "Crazy" sung by Patsy Cline. "Funny how Time Slips Away" & a host of other favorites. He is also a well recognized poet in his own circle of friends.

Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker.

So simple, yet so profound! Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher, Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 80th birthday below his esteemed portrait. Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life...



"I've outlived my d**k."
A Poem - by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my pride and joy,
Is now my water spout.


Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the friggin thing.


It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.


Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!
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Old 20-07-2015, 20:28   #333
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Re: The New Joke Thread

And Mr. Nelson had enlightened contemporaries, i.e.: George Carlin, who stated:

"Here's all you have to know about men and women:
women are crazy, men are stupid.

And the main reason women are crazy
is that men are stupid."



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Old 21-07-2015, 01:34   #334
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
And Mr. Nelson had enlightened contemporaries, i.e.: George Carlin, who stated:

"Here's all you have to know about men and women:
women are crazy, men are stupid.

And the main reason women are crazy
is that men are stupid."

My addition :::
And the main reason men have gone stupid is cause women are crazy...
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Old 21-07-2015, 01:37   #335
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by D&D View Post
The younger generation may not know it but at one time Willie Nelson was songwriter of the year. Such songs as "Hello Wall", "Crazy" sung by Patsy Cline. "Funny how Time Slips Away" & a host of other favorites. He is also a well recognized poet in his own circle of friends.

Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker.

So simple, yet so profound! Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher, Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 80th birthday below his esteemed portrait. Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life...



"I've outlived my d**k."
A Poem - by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my pride and joy,
Is now my water spout.


Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the friggin thing.


It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.


Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

that aint funny... not at all.
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Old 21-07-2015, 18:57   #336
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by D&D View Post

So simple, yet so profound! Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher, Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 80th birthday below his esteemed portrait. Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life...



"I've outlived my d**k."
A Poem - by Willie Nelson

Nope. While he did say "I've outlived my dick" when he was 75, he didn't write that poem. It dates back at least to the '30s:

https://books.google.com.pg/books?id...out%22&f=false
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Old 21-07-2015, 19:53   #337
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by StuM View Post
Nope. While he did say "I've outlived my dick" when he was 75, he didn't write that poem. It dates back at least to the '30s:

https://books.google.com.pg/books?id...out%22&f=false
Ah well...we stand corrected!

The Captain certainly recalled the "I've outlived my d**k" remark...and the poem (received from a 'reliable' source! ) seemed both a reasonable extension of Willie's many talents and a bit of fun for this thread, but there you go...

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Old 22-07-2015, 02:35   #338
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home.

''I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have ye not found one yet?'

'I can't find a No. 91'

'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye t'ick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout....
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Old 23-07-2015, 09:58   #339
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This is an oldie but goodie:


Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad (for those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland).


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila
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Old 24-07-2015, 19:58   #340
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by justlearnin View Post
My addition :::
And the main reason men have gone stupid is cause women are crazy...


Or...


only a stupid man would hook up with a crazy woman...
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Old 24-07-2015, 20:01   #341
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by D&D View Post
Ah well...we stand corrected!

The Captain certainly recalled the "I've outlived my d**k" remark...and the poem (received from a 'reliable' source! ) seemed both a reasonable extension of Willie's many talents and a bit of fun for this thread, but there you go...

On the plus side, when he wrote that, they hadn't invented Viagra yet.

Now one can sport a blue veined diamond cutter for up to 4 hrs!
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Old 24-07-2015, 23:51   #342
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I slipped my finger in.....

And as I slipped my finger slowly inside the very loose hole,
I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me……






"I really need a new boat," I thought to myself.
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Old 26-07-2015, 11:00   #343
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seaworthy Lass View Post
This is an oldie but goodie:





Life in the Australian Army...



Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad (for those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland).





Dear Mum & Dad,



I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!



At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!



This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!



Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.



I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.



Your loving daughter,



Sheila

I've heard that in the Australian army combat is referred to as "the two-way rifle range"


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Old 27-07-2015, 22:47   #344
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on
sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice
anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back
into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled,
'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope,' she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat,
Bert.'
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Old 28-07-2015, 16:44   #345
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Re: The New Joke Thread

When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"
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