The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by senormechanico

Deja vu, or reposting old joke thread..?

For those who might be new on CF or never before caught the links........

Two older threads:

http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/...ead-10204.html


http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/f61/jokes-3254.html

[D&D]

This 'theme' was inevitable. Greek ATM's...



...and there'll probably be plenty more to follow...

[svmariane]

We have a handful of old Greek Drachmas from our pre-Euro travel days.
Mostly 500 & 100 denominations.
Now accepting bids at:

youmustbekidding.edu

[socaldmax]

Subway has severed ties with Jared and has now employed a new spokesperson.

[ontherocks83]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Subway has severed ties with Jared and has now employed a new spokesperson.

picture didn' post

[socaldmax]

Here it is.

[D&D]

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the "Style Invitational."
The requirements last week were to use the two words " Lewinsky" (the Intern) and "Kaczynski" (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.
Now, remember, the following winning entries were actually printed verbatim in the newspaper, no bleeps or x-outs!

Third place :
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place :
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky .

And the winning entry :
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown!

[Pelagic]

DONATING BLOOD IN SCOTLAND
A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior
to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the
need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so,
the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his
blood, a new BMW, five carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective
surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more
of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a
box of Black Magic chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture
as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again,
that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money... but you only gave
me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma
veins".

[svmariane]

So i was at a movie yesterday and this guy's phone behind me rang. I told him "shhhhh!" then the guy behind me told me "you shhhh!".

His phone rang again and i told him to "shhhhhhhhh!" once again he said "YOU SHHHHH!".

His phone rang once again and i told him "SHHHHHHH!" and he told me "SHUT UP!"

I got up and almost punched him, but i saw my WWJD (what would Jesus do) braclet............





so i lit him on fire and sent him to hell.

[svmariane]

Need to use a link vs copy/paste due to some copyright legal stuff.... Sorry about that.


What We've Learned About Pluto

[svmariane]

Pulling into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center I rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy had fresh air. She was stretched full out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? "Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young lady, gave
me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"




Youngsters today......

[svmariane]

So with the dog safe in the car my wife and I went inside to buy something for our daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop. Inside, I was feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk asked if she could help. In a cocky manner, I asked, “Where are all the men’s clothes?” In a demure voice the clerk replied, “All of these clothes are for men, sir.”




Youngsters today.....

[svmariane]

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

[svmariane]

An oldie - First heard (by me) back in the early 70ies

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[svmariane]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb.