The New Joke Thread

[Buzzman]

Have to say I was impressed by Our Third Life. That kid is Sooooo deadpan deadly satirical.
It's how satire "should" be done.
And she's right, those Englishers who speak Englishian are SOOO hard to understand.
But I dispute her conclusion that Americanish out to be the default language.
That's like saying that air shouldn't be purple..!!!

[Eigenvector]

I heard the guy who invented autocorrect has died… restaurant in piece

[Buzzman]

Then there's the book titles:

"Over the Cliff" - by Eileen Dover

"Spots On The Wall" - by Hu Flung Dung

[Epicurean]

There was a very famous American, Harvard degree, who thinks Austrian is a language.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1diNthezRk

I certainly hope politician stupidity doesn't hijack this forum. Let them have their own!

[El Pinguino]

Originally Posted by Epicurean

There was a very famous American, Harvard degree, who thinks Austrian is a language.

I certainly hope politician stupidity doesn't hijack this forum. Let them have their own!

He was getting confused with 'Strayan.... which is a language....

[El Pinguino]

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy..


Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and of course the surgeon agreed.


Awakening from the anaesthesia, she found three roses placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.


"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!


The surgeon told her he had respected her confidentiality and the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."


"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."


"And what about the third rose?" she asked.


"That's from the man in the burns unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

[Eigenvector]

I went to the new air & space museum but nothing was there.

[D&D]

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how
are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"

Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten
we can tell them apart."

"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the
house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin
Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell
who owns which fookin pig.?"

"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll
ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear".

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again
stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the
other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two fookin pigs with no
fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"

"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll
cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin
ears and only one fookin tail."

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed
into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS
CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS
WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE
GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have
the white one"

[ontherocks83]

Originally Posted by D&D

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how
are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"

Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten
we can tell them apart."

"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the
house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin
Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell
who owns which fookin pig.?"

"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll
ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear".

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again
stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the
other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two fookin pigs with no
fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"

"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll
cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin
ears and only one fookin tail."

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed
into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS
CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS
WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE
GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have
the white one"

Sad to admit, but I didn't see that one coming. Nice joke

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by StuM

The problem is, your grandaughter and her girlfriend would have to have real talent. The Our Third Life team are brilliant satirists. Ideas, scripting and acting are all first class.

<sigh> Yeah, I know. Feel like it was back in 1988 and we were using Unix for work and MSDOS in the office for other stuff. Did I invest in Microsoft back then? Heck, no.... Who would'a thunk?

[john61ct]

I did a lot of in-depth Bitcoin research in 2009-2010, knew it was going to be important, but did nothing concrete with that knowledge.

Ha ha isn't that funny!

[AKA-None]

Originally Posted by john61ct

I did a lot of in-depth Bitcoin research in 2009-2010, knew it was going to be important, but did nothing concrete with that knowledge.

Ha ha isn't that funny!

Jimmy Hoffa did

[Eigenvector]

MURDER AT WALMART...

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck
in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve
both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with
himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out
a spouse was $5,000..

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't
have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man
opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the
dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super
WalMart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department &
proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting
woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor ...

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the
murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie
had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who
immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he
could even leave the store ..

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole
sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the
hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...







(You're going to hate me for this ...)









'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WALMART!'

[Pelagic]

Good one [emoji106]

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Eigenvector

MURDER AT WALMART...

I didn't see it coming. Nice one!