Cruisers Forum
 


Join CruisersForum Today

Reply
 
Thread Tools Rate Thread Display Modes
Old 02-07-2015, 17:20   #286
Registered User
 
svmariane's Avatar

Join Date: May 2007
Location: Currently in South Pacific. Home Port: Vienna, Austria
Boat: Celestial, Stay'sl-Rigged Sloop, 48 ft
Posts: 1,061
Re: The New Joke Thread

Resolutions You Can Keep

1.) Gain at least 20 pounds.

2.) Read less.

3.) Stop exercising. It's a waste of time.

4.) Watch more TV.

5.) Procrastinate more.

6.) Start being superstitious.

7.) Spend more time at work.

8.) Stop bringing lunch from home and eat out more.

9.) Sleep more.

10.) Start a new bad habit.
__________________

__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry
svmariane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2015, 17:23   #287
Registered User
 
svmariane's Avatar

Join Date: May 2007
Location: Currently in South Pacific. Home Port: Vienna, Austria
Boat: Celestial, Stay'sl-Rigged Sloop, 48 ft
Posts: 1,061
Re: The New Joke Thread

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
__________________

__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry
svmariane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2015, 17:33   #288
Registered User
 
svmariane's Avatar

Join Date: May 2007
Location: Currently in South Pacific. Home Port: Vienna, Austria
Boat: Celestial, Stay'sl-Rigged Sloop, 48 ft
Posts: 1,061
Re: The New Joke Thread

In honor of my sister's birthday, I thought I'd post a few jokes.

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are just so much smarter than men.
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry
svmariane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2015, 17:46   #289
Registered User
 
svmariane's Avatar

Join Date: May 2007
Location: Currently in South Pacific. Home Port: Vienna, Austria
Boat: Celestial, Stay'sl-Rigged Sloop, 48 ft
Posts: 1,061
Re: The New Joke Thread

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry
svmariane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2015, 17:47   #290
Registered User
 
svmariane's Avatar

Join Date: May 2007
Location: Currently in South Pacific. Home Port: Vienna, Austria
Boat: Celestial, Stay'sl-Rigged Sloop, 48 ft
Posts: 1,061
Re: The New Joke Thread

It's all in the punctuation:

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry
svmariane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2015, 17:50   #291
Registered User
 
svmariane's Avatar

Join Date: May 2007
Location: Currently in South Pacific. Home Port: Vienna, Austria
Boat: Celestial, Stay'sl-Rigged Sloop, 48 ft
Posts: 1,061
Re: The New Joke Thread

Subject: Computer Hard and Software:
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry
svmariane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2015, 17:57   #292
Registered User
 
svmariane's Avatar

Join Date: May 2007
Location: Currently in South Pacific. Home Port: Vienna, Austria
Boat: Celestial, Stay'sl-Rigged Sloop, 48 ft
Posts: 1,061
Re: The New Joke Thread

A family went to a hospital, where one of their relatives would be having a brain transplant. One of the relatives asked, "What will the cost of a new brain be?" The doctor replied, "A female brain costs $25,000 and a male brain costs $50,000." The men smirked, but one of the females asked, "Why is that, doctor?" "Well," the doctor replied,” the female brain is costs less because it has been used."
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry
svmariane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2015, 17:58   #293
Registered User
 
svmariane's Avatar

Join Date: May 2007
Location: Currently in South Pacific. Home Port: Vienna, Austria
Boat: Celestial, Stay'sl-Rigged Sloop, 48 ft
Posts: 1,061
Re: The New Joke Thread

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry
svmariane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2015, 17:59   #294
Registered User

Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 2,845
Re: The New Joke Thread

How do you eat a cereal bar?




I don't know if that was for real, but I got a chuckle!
__________________
socaldmax is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2015, 18:01   #295
Registered User
 
svmariane's Avatar

Join Date: May 2007
Location: Currently in South Pacific. Home Port: Vienna, Austria
Boat: Celestial, Stay'sl-Rigged Sloop, 48 ft
Posts: 1,061
Re: The New Joke Thread

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.

"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.

The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry
svmariane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2015, 18:04   #296
Registered User
 
svmariane's Avatar

Join Date: May 2007
Location: Currently in South Pacific. Home Port: Vienna, Austria
Boat: Celestial, Stay'sl-Rigged Sloop, 48 ft
Posts: 1,061
Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
How do you eat a cereal bar?




I don't know if that was for real, but I got a chuckle!
Image / Link no worky.....
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry
svmariane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2015, 18:29   #297
Registered User

Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 2,845
Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
Image / Link no worky.....
You can't see it?

I can see it both in my post and your post. I'll DL it then UL it. Thanks for letting me know!
__________________
socaldmax is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2015, 18:32   #298
Registered User

Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 2,845
Re: The New Joke Thread

How do you eat a cereal bar?
Attached Thumbnails
Click image for larger version

Name:	cereal_bar.jpg
Views:	292
Size:	86.0 KB
ID:	104557  
__________________
socaldmax is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2015, 20:38   #299
Registered User

Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NC
Boat: 1974 Morgan Out Island 33
Posts: 551
Re: The New Joke Thread

The little Spanish boy went to a woman to take private English lessons. They went into her library where she sat him at a table in front of a wall of books. The woman took a book down and gave it to him to study from. The little boy asked what the book was, and the teacher replied "This is the book of pronunciation rules for English."

Impressed, the little boy pointed to the wall of books. "What are all those books".

The teacher replied "Those are the exceptions to pronunciation for English".

On a related note, back in the late seventies I was into electronics and built many electronics projects, including my own micro computers (as they were called back then). I found a chip from Radio shack which would take text into a serial port and put out spoken English to a speaker. The rules were designed by a US Navy lab. There were 198 rules and with that number of rules, it managed (according to the instructions from RS) a very impressive 90% correct pronunciation.

I actually built this widget and attached it to my home built computer. One of the mis-pronunciationes was the sound for "ine".

Line, wine, fine, dine, shine, machine. You can guess how it pronounced machine.
__________________
jwcolby54 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2015, 20:49   #300
Registered User

Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NC
Boat: 1974 Morgan Out Island 33
Posts: 551
Re: The New Joke Thread

I lived in Mexico for 5 years and so struggled with the whole gender issue for objects which obviously have no gender and certainly don't need one. Thus I was amused to find that the television "swings both ways"

"El Telivisor"

and

"La Television"

el televisor o la televisión? | SpanishDict Answers

Just couldn't make up his (or is it her) mind.
__________________

__________________
jwcolby54 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



Our Communities

Our communities encompass many different hobbies and interests, but each one is built on friendly, intelligent membership.

» More about our Communities

Automotive Communities

Our Automotive communities encompass many different makes and models. From U.S. domestics to European Saloons.

» More about our Automotive Communities

Marine Communities

Our Marine websites focus on Cruising and Sailing Vessels, including forums and the largest cruising Wiki project on the web today.

» More about our Marine Communities


Copyright 2002- Social Knowledge, LLC All Rights Reserved.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:18.


Google+
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Social Knowledge Networks
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

ShowCase vBulletin Plugins by Drive Thru Online, Inc.