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Old 14-05-2018, 07:23   #2911
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.


Suzie stood and walked to the podium…

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
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Old 14-05-2018, 08:23   #2912
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Not sure if this has been on. Also gender reversible.

A guy is sitting at the bar having a drink when a pretty woman walks up. "Hey Phil, remember me ? Its Bob ! Only now I go by Roberta, because, well, as you can see I'm a woman now !"

The guy can't believe it at first, but gradually realizes it is his old buddy Bob. Drinks and conversation follow. Finally Phil asks "So hey Roberta, that must have been some operation. Painful too I imagine. Tell me, what was the worst part ? Let me guess, it was the boob job right ?"

Roberta says, "Well, that wasn't easy, but it wasn't the worst."

Bob - "Ah. Must have been the plumbing down below huh ? I would think that had to be pretty traumatic."

Roberta - "Oh that was definitely no picnic either. But no, still not the worst part, nope."

Bob - "Ok I give up, tell me !"

Roberta - "The worst part was when they drilled the hole in my head to remove half my brains !!!"



Remember - you can reverse the gender to suit yours !
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Old 14-05-2018, 09:01   #2913
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Really? just reversing the target of the slur doesn't make the joke less offensive, nor any funnier.

But I guess the whole point of the thread is, anything goes <sigh>
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Old 14-05-2018, 09:08   #2914
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The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by john61ct View Post

But I guess the whole point of the thread is, anything goes


The nature of the vast majority of jokes is offensive to someone, often blond jokes, Irish etc. for example, so therefore the line if you will is relaxed somewhat on this thread.
But it is not an anything goes thread, just relaxed.
Post with the intent to be offensive and “not nice” and it won’t go well.
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Old 14-05-2018, 10:48   #2915
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by john61ct View Post
Really? just reversing the target of the slur doesn't make the joke less offensive, nor any funnier.

But I guess the whole point of the thread is, anything goes <sigh>

All I can say is you better not go through this thread or you'll be posting that line on just about every page. Spoofing the opposite sex has been around ever since there were jokes I imagine. I would be willing to bet the very first joke had to be something between guys about their wives.

Or may it was the opposite gender ?

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Old 14-05-2018, 17:00   #2916
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
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Old 20-05-2018, 16:05   #2917
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The Peculiar Pot-Bellied Bird of Bethesda -- by fidorover

There is a Wood Thrush in Bethesda, Maryland that is unlike any other Wood Thrush in Bethesda, Maryland. You see, this particular bird is even more of a loner than the others of his ilk. For, while the others spend their days foraging through the forest floor for worms and grubs, this curious fella spends his days flying from window ledge to window ledge at perhaps the town's best-known building. Those who work inside affectionately refer to him as Bubba, his distinctive pot-belly likely being the motivation for the unusual bird moniker.

After landing on a random ledge, Bubba will peer through the glass to witness the goings-on inside. Those who've been around the longest believe him to be some sort of angel, there to make sure the people inside are okay. And if Bubba doesn't feel they are okay, he will persist on their ledge until such time as he feels they are.

On this particular day, Bubba saw something he'd never seen before: a woman whose beauty was profoundly breathtaking, but whose sadness was at depths he could not have imagined possible. He tried his best to get her attention, as he knew that most folks couldn't help but smile and feel better when they glanced his way. After trying every trick he knew, but to no avail, he simply tapped his beak on the window until the stunning yet lugubrious woman looked his way.

Seemingly entranced, she got up from her bed and made her way to the window. She looked at him as though she'd somehow never seen a bird before. And while clearly braving incredible discomfort to do so, she kneeled down to position herself at the bird's level.

She watched in awe as Bubba worked his magic. He began traversing the ledge, walking with a pronounced head-bob -- a trick that those who worked there were convinced was his pigeon impression… and an impressive impression at that. The corners of her mouth began to turn upwards, as a rare smile soon appeared on her gorgeous face. Ahh, the unquestionable power of cuteness. Bubba's charm was clearly working, but he was certainly not content to rest on his laurels.

He flew out from the building, in crazy circles, darting back and forth from the window with reckless abandon. And while the aerial tricks were impressive, to be sure, all the woman could see was something she'd heretofore never witnessed: absolute freedom. Bubba was concerned not with boundaries. Or norms. Or rules. Or expectations. Bubba did as he pleased at any given moment, and that pleased the woman to no end. For she was on the receiving end of what she felt to be the greatest gift ever: an escape from her worries… replaced by a little something called joy.

From Bubba's view, all was going swimmingly, as a tear rolled down her cheeks and right past her smile. It was at this point that he saw her mouthing five words to him. He tilted his head, trying in his own little way to let her know he didn't quite understand. She then mouthed the same five words again. This time, he seemed to know what she was trying to say, and now it was he who felt profound sadness.

He watched on as a nurse appeared and escorted the woman back into bed and tucked her in. All the while, the woman never stopped looking at the bird, with a grin that now seemed a permanent fixture on her stunning facade.

And as the nurse exited the room, closed the door and made her way to the unusually crowded nurse's station, she exclaimed to the others, "I think we may need to adjust the First Lady's pain meds."

"Why's that?" one of the nurses queried.

"Well, for starters, I just watched her twice say to little Bubba, 'Please… take me with you.'"


THE END
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Old 20-05-2018, 18:45   #2918
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
The Peculiar Pot-Bellied Bird of Bethesda -- by fidorover

There is a Wood Thrush in Bethesda, Maryland that is unlike any other Wood Thrush in Bethesda, Maryland. You see, this particular bird is even more of a loner than the others of his ilk. For, while the others spend their days foraging through the forest floor for worms and grubs, this curious fella spends his days flying from window ledge to window ledge at perhaps the town's best-known building. Those who work inside affectionately refer to him as Bubba, his distinctive pot-belly likely being the motivation for the unusual bird moniker.

After landing on a random ledge, Bubba will peer through the glass to witness the goings-on inside. Those who've been around the longest believe him to be some sort of angel, there to make sure the people inside are okay. And if Bubba doesn't feel they are okay, he will persist on their ledge until such time as he feels they are.

On this particular day, Bubba saw something he'd never seen before: a woman whose beauty was profoundly breathtaking, but whose sadness was at depths he could not have imagined possible. He tried his best to get her attention, as he knew that most folks couldn't help but smile and feel better when they glanced his way. After trying every trick he knew, but to no avail, he simply tapped his beak on the window until the stunning yet lugubrious woman looked his way.

Seemingly entranced, she got up from her bed and made her way to the window. She looked at him as though she'd somehow never seen a bird before. And while clearly braving incredible discomfort to do so, she kneeled down to position herself at the bird's level.

She watched in awe as Bubba worked his magic. He began traversing the ledge, walking with a pronounced head-bob -- a trick that those who worked there were convinced was his pigeon impression… and an impressive impression at that. The corners of her mouth began to turn upwards, as a rare smile soon appeared on her gorgeous face. Ahh, the unquestionable power of cuteness. Bubba's charm was clearly working, but he was certainly not content to rest on his laurels.

He flew out from the building, in crazy circles, darting back and forth from the window with reckless abandon. And while the aerial tricks were impressive, to be sure, all the woman could see was something she'd heretofore never witnessed: absolute freedom. Bubba was concerned not with boundaries. Or norms. Or rules. Or expectations. Bubba did as he pleased at any given moment, and that pleased the woman to no end. For she was on the receiving end of what she felt to be the greatest gift ever: an escape from her worries… replaced by a little something called joy.

From Bubba's view, all was going swimmingly, as a tear rolled down her cheeks and right past her smile. It was at this point that he saw her mouthing five words to him. He tilted his head, trying in his own little way to let her know he didn't quite understand. She then mouthed the same five words again. This time, he seemed to know what she was trying to say, and now it was he who felt profound sadness.

He watched on as a nurse appeared and escorted the woman back into bed and tucked her in. All the while, the woman never stopped looking at the bird, with a grin that now seemed a permanent fixture on her stunning facade.

And as the nurse exited the room, closed the door and made her way to the unusually crowded nurse's station, she exclaimed to the others, "I think we may need to adjust the First Lady's pain meds."

"Why's that?" one of the nurses queried.

"Well, for starters, I just watched her twice say to little Bubba, 'Please… take me with you.'"


THE END
Are we making this crap up as we go!
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Old 21-05-2018, 02:54   #2919
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Re: The New Joke Thread

wow, some of the jokes here are really offensive

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
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Old 21-05-2018, 03:01   #2920
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dogbah13 View Post
wow, some of the jokes here are really offensive
Get out much?
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Old 21-05-2018, 06:41   #2921
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dogbah13 View Post
wow, some of the jokes here are really offensive

Only to SJWs


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Old 21-05-2018, 15:51   #2922
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Speaking of sexist. . . .
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Old 21-05-2018, 16:53   #2923
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Buzzman
Originally Posted by Buzzman 
Peeps, those last two 'jokes' are a bit tasteless and bordering on vile.

No more in this vein thanks, or they'll be Deleted and the Poster Reported.

That sort of humour might be acceptable over at Sailing Anarchy, it ain't acceptable here.

Keep It Clean, Polite and Well-Mannered.

As Granny used to say: If you've got nothing pleasant to say, don't bother.
Or as MY Granny used to say, "If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit here and tell me everything!"
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Old 21-05-2018, 17:29   #2924
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Just had a wild thought! What if CF had something like, well, what's pictured below? Oops... That's already an option.

Anyway... (And not just making stuff up as I go because how dare I presume to create new humor or help other's efforts at new humor evolve)...


Presenting !!!!!!



... * THE OLD SAILOR *


* And attention mods: Note the nautical theme.


There was once an old sailor my grandfather knew
Who had so many things which he wanted to do
That, whenever he thought it was time to begin,
He couldn’t because of the state he was in.

He was shipwrecked, and lived on an island for weeks,
And he wanted a hat, and he wanted some breeks;
And he wanted some nets, or a line and some hooks
For the turtles and things which you read of in books.

And, thinking of this, he remembered a thing
Which he wanted (for water) and that was a spring;
And he thought that to talk to he’d look for, and keep
(If he found it) a goat, or some chickens and sheep.

Then, because of the weather, he wanted a hut
With a door (to come in by) which opened and shut
(With a jerk, which was useful if snakes were about),
And a very strong lock to keep savages out.

So he thought of his hut … and he thought of his boat,
And his hat and his breeks, and his chickens and goat,
And the hooks (for his food) and the spring (for his thirst) …
But he never could think which he ought to do first.

And so in the end he did nothing at all,
But basked on the shingle wrapped up in a shawl.
And I think it was dreadful the way he behaved -
He did nothing but basking until he was saved.

A.A. Milne (1882-1956)
.
.
*The poem shown above is definitely NOT the creation (presumed or otherwise) of the individual posting this post in this posting forum. All rights reserved by the copyright owners except for under the Fair Use doctrine. Reference: Articles concerning ADHD on https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/6alm8u/
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Old 21-05-2018, 17:30   #2925
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Re: The New Joke Thread

There once was a sailor who sat on a rock,
Shaking his fist, and abusing his...
Neighboring farmer who was chopping up sticks,
And teaching his children to play with their...
Kites and their marbles in the old days of yore,
When along came a young lady who looked like a...
Decent young woman and walked like a duck,
And said she'd discovered a new way to...
Bring up her children, to teach them to knit,
While cleaning the barnyard and shoveling the...
Contents of the pigsty, the barn and the byre,
While the dirty old farmer was pulling his...
Horse from the stable to get it to hunt,
While his wife in her boudoir was shaving her...
Legs, singing:
Sweet violets, sweeter than the rose,
Covered all over from head to toe,
Covered all over in sweet violets.

If you filled things in with words unwritten
then 'tis your own thoughts that perhaps
might should be smitten.
I mean no offensive in any kind or any sense,
merely hope for a smile from those less (insert be nice rule).
Thus we come to the end of my song
and if you think it's dirty, you're ***** well wrong.



"Being offended is not the same as being right." Dave Barry
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