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Old 30-03-2018, 20:47   #2881
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Pelagic View Post
Sorry...don't get it?
She was asking him what he did for a living. He thought she needed help on how to use a menu.
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Old 10-04-2018, 17:05   #2882
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Re: The New Joke Thread

9 Things a Sailor Will Always Beat You At


You seem to be doing alright at this little thing we like to call life. Youíre well-travelled. You have well-informed (you like to believe) opinions on your local MP and an array of enviable life hacks you picked up while backpacking across South East Asia. You can open a wine bottle with you feet and cut a skirt in half using your little finger. Your family thinks youíre great because you can make Thai food from scratch without even thinking. However, thereís always someone out there thatís better than you. Like sailors. Youíll never be as good as a sailor.

Here are nine everyday things theyíd beat you at and then leave you on the floor wondering exactly what happened.


1. Parallel parking
I know, I know. Youíre one of the best parallel parkers in the world. You are surprised that they havenít created a reward especially for you. The words three-point turn donít even exist in your vocabulary. Sorry, but really youíre an amateur. Try reversing a fire engine (without rearview mirrors) into a car wash, on ground flooded with water, during the worst thunderstorm imaginable. Thatís what sailors do. They call it docking.

2. Walking Straight When Drunk
Your supposed poker face is an utter joke. We all know how many shandies youíve had as soon as you see-saw to the toilet. Unfortunately, legs donít lie, unless youíre a sailor. A life on the water rewards sailors with a liquescent centre of gravity. The more fluid they consume, the straighter they walk. Come to think of it, if you see a sailor off-kilter you should probably buy him a double.

3. Keeping a Straight Face
Sailing terminology is an ocean awash with metaphors, puns and double entendres. You canít think of a boating pun that hasnít been done to death. Sniggering at words and phrases like Ďbreastlines; cockpit; coming about; and, in need of a tugí is the sphere of land lovers. Find someone who can, without flinching, present a Seaman Discharge Book (yes, thatís a real thing) to a customs official and youíve found yourself a sailor.

4. Giving Directions
ĎSo, hmmm...turn right by the tree and then pass the school on your left. Well, I think itís a school. Maybe itís a police station.. A few streets behind that is a road. I canít remember what itís called but just call me when youíre outside.í These are certainly not directions. If people were able to give better directions, thereíd be a much smaller hole in the ozone layer. Sailors know this. They also know that on the ocean vague directions can lead to death. Or worse, Skegness.

5. Dressing Appropriately
Even the best weather apps resort to some measure of horoscopic superstition and the problem is nobody has built one made up of actual human bones. Sailors have bones. They have bones that tingle, crack, wobble and creak. Sailors can sense inclement weather in their bones before the weather even realises itís feeling inclement. If you are wondering what to wear for the day, find a sailor and copy what theyíre wearing.

6. Bondage
Donít even think about telling porkies. After watching 50 Shades of Grey, the reason youíve never actually tried bondage isnít because itís taboo. Itís because youíre unable to tie knots. Securing your beau to a bedpost isnít really the same as tying a shoelace. There are safety issues that you need to be aware of, unless that is you fancy an embarrassing trip to the local hospital. An unfortunate combination of poor ropemanship and a slippery surface can turn into an emergency very quickly and nobody wants to be gnawing on a granny knot when the plod arrive. You know who knows a thing or two about knots? Sailors. They could string up a sumo wrestler with a piece of string. And, more importantly, untie him afterwards.

7. Pulling an All-Nighter
It was the pillar of your secondary school education, but somewhere along the line the insouciance of burning the candle at both ends morphed into chronic anxiety. The only thing that burns in your house after midnight now is the office block youíre burning down in your dreams. Caffeine is impotent and even dubstep (a supposed form of music) sends you to sleep. However, sailors are driven by something stronger than caffeine and panic combined: the fear of the great unknown. The ocean is a capricious mistress and much like the writers of many TV series, sailors donít always know whatís going to happen next. Theyíre prepared for every eventuality and what does that require? Being awake. ALL THE TIME.

8. Letting Things Go
Usually when something disappears into the vast ocean itís gone forever. The only thing to do is try and put it out of your mind and forget about it and move on while mumbling something profound like ĎItís part of the circle of life.í At sea if you donít learn to let things go, you drown in your own unrelenting suffering. Sailors would actually make great psychologists.

9. Democracy
Sailors donít know what democracy is. On a boat the captain is always right. Even when heís not. Only joking! Sort of.
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Old 10-04-2018, 17:28   #2883
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Or worse, Skegness.
Looks like a lovely place ya stuck-up git
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Old 11-04-2018, 16:53   #2884
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what
their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy,
captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet And
so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men.
Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap
hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy
aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy, ďactually he plays cricket for Australia but I was just too
embarrassed to say."
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Old 11-04-2018, 18:02   #2885
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by D&D View Post
Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what
their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy,
captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet And
so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men.
Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap
hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy
aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy, ďactually he plays cricket for Australia but I was just too
embarrassed to say."
OWWWW!!!

Jim
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Old 11-04-2018, 18:38   #2886
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Shades if The Full Monty.

For some, "chippy" = carpenter
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Old 11-04-2018, 19:25   #2887
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by D&D View Post
"No" said Billy, “actually he plays cricket for Australia but I was just too
embarrassed to say."

Sad, but true. Our team has realy blotted their copy books this time.

Fortunately for me, I don't follow the cricket.....
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Old 12-04-2018, 15:21   #2888
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Iíve never seen a reef.

Nope. Never seen one atoll.
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Old 13-04-2018, 10:37   #2889
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A rapist, a pedofile and a sex addict walk into a bar...

The sex addict says " I"ll have a screwdriver.
The rapist says I" have a screwdriver and a Bloody Mary.
The pedofile said" I'll have a screwdriver but add a Shirly Temple...
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Old 13-04-2018, 19:01   #2890
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
A rapist, a pedofile and a sex addict walk into a bar...

The sex addict says " I"ll have a screwdriver.
The rapist says I" have a screwdriver and a Bloody Mary.
The pedofile said" I'll have a screwdriver but add a Shirly Temple...
Awaiting the backwash.....



Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?"
Because every play has a cast.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.

What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
Thereís no menu: You get what you deserve.

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Old 14-04-2018, 22:25   #2891
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I called an old Sailing buddy to ask him how he was doing.

He replied that he was working on "aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics,
aluminum and steel, under a constrained environment."

I was impressed.

However, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes under his wife's supervision.
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Old 15-04-2018, 10:23   #2892
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A woman is sitting at a funeral, for her husband.
A man then asks "do you mind if I say a word?"

The woman replies "No, go ahead"

The man makes his way to the front at the head of the coffin, clears his throat and says "plethora" before returning to his seat.

"Thank you" says the woman. "That means a lot."
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Old 16-04-2018, 18:57   #2893
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A little piece of rope walks into a bar and says gimme a beer.

The bartender says, we don't serve your kind here.

The little piece of rope leaves the bar, goes to a hair salon and says, I need you to tie me in a knot and fray both ends of me.

Then the little piece of rope goes back to the bar and says gimme a drink. The bartender says hey, aren't you that little piece of rope that came in here a while ago??

The little piece of rope says no, I'm a frayed knot!
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Old 16-04-2018, 19:14   #2894
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season." One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun." "As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'." "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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Old 16-04-2018, 19:42   #2895
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A guy has MD visit due to ER issues.
-Doc, please I need something asap as my wife will not tolerate lack of sex for much longer.
Doctor prescribes him a healthy dose of viagra and sends him on his way.
Few days later the patient comes back saying it did not do the trick.
The doctor gives him a more potent version but few days later same thing.
This time the doctor looks up the latest medical literature and pulls out a sample - one pill.
-Here, take this, most powerful ER pill known to mankind, still in experimetal phase. However, a word of caution - you must, I repeat MUST have coitus with your wife within 1 hour of taking it, not a second later. If you dont you will experience most horrible pain in your groin for days, may be weeks.
The guy cant wait to get home, pops the pill right outside the doctors office.
Gets home and to his horror sees a note on the fridge -"honey Im at the cinema". He runs out, rushes to the theater plex, starts going through all the screens, etc. No luck. An hour later excrutiating pain sets in, just as the doctor warned.
Next day at the doctors office he describes the sequence of events.
Doc: - Well couldn't you improvise? Visit a female neighbor of yours for example.
Patient: - But doc, I dont need a pill with the neighbor!
-
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