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Old 25-02-2018, 15:53   #2836
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He had never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat.
What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal 'ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."
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Old 25-02-2018, 15:58   #2837
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 28-02-2018, 13:55   #2838
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car.
Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Some years ago Adam ate the apple.

Men will never learn!
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Old 01-03-2018, 20:19   #2839
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An Irish lad takes his Pop to the doctor, the doc says, "bad news boys, the old guy has cancer, and only has a couple of months to live". They leave the docs office and the old guy says" well son, in Irish tradition, we celebrate bad news as well as good, let's go to the pub". So they go to the pub, order a beer, and sit at a table. Some of the old guys friends come in and sit with the old man and his son. The son says" we got some bad news from the doc today". The old guy says" that's right boys, I got AIDS, gonna kick it in a few months". So they all have a few more pints. The old guy and his son are walking home and the son says"Pop, why did you tell your friends you have AIDS"? The old man says " because I don't want any of those pecker heads sleeping with your Mom when I'm gone"
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Old 03-03-2018, 05:25   #2840
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Fella comes stumbling out of the clubhouse and weaves down the finger pier towards his boat.

He spots a fellow boater with the cockpit sole out with his head and shoulders buried deep in the engine bay.

“Hey, what seems to be the problem “?

From the engine bay he hears “Piston broke”!

His reply? “Yup, me too but what’s the problem “?
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Old 03-03-2018, 05:54   #2841
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Old 03-03-2018, 05:56   #2842
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Hmm. Wondering why it doubled.
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Old 03-03-2018, 07:49   #2843
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Quote:
Originally Posted by N1EYO View Post
Hey.. less with the racism..
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Old 03-03-2018, 09:20   #2844
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A man was walking down the street in a small village when he sees a boy raking leaves in a front yard.

" Good morning to you young man" says the man "could you tell me how to find the post office "?

" Yes sir " says the boy " walk down the road, turn the first right and after two blocks you will see it at your left".

" Thank you very much my son" says the man "that was very nice of you. By the way I'm the new pastor in town and when you come Sunday to church with your mom I will show you the way to heaven".

The boy looks up with big eyes and said

"Are you kidding me ? You cant even find the way to the post office ".
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Old 03-03-2018, 18:00   #2845
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This may be old:
Pirate walks into bar orders a drink. He has a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.
Bartender says: Excuse me you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?
Pirate(in Pirate voice): AAAhhhh I know it's drivin' me nuts.
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Old 03-03-2018, 20:06   #2846
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Re: The New Joke Thread

If a tree falls and kills a woman....


Hey! What’s a tree doing in the kitchen????
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Old 04-03-2018, 05:26   #2847
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Tetepare View Post
If a tree falls and kills a woman....


Hey! What’s a tree doing in the kitchen????
It's a pan-tree. Wokka-wokka.
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Old 04-03-2018, 06:32   #2848
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Most people have 32 teeth. Some people have 10...

It's simple meth.
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Old 05-03-2018, 14:40   #2849
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The 2012 Australian Poetry Competition held in Sydney Opera House had come down to two finalists;A) The university graduate.
B) An old aboriginal.

They were given a common word, and then allowed two minutes to reflect on the word and recite a short four line poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '.
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu .

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.


The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;
Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Tim..buk tu .

The aboriginal won, pants down!
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Old 08-03-2018, 13:50   #2850
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Once had some friends from Euro-land aboard for a week of sailing.
First morning, the husband gets up early to make coffee.

This cartoon reminded me - and yes, that's him holding the pot.
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