The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

Two people are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea.

"What's this?" asked the skipper, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"

"No," explained his crew, "It's just a little wave."

[svmariane]

Why do divers always roll backwards into the water?
Otherwise they would fall into the boat.

Why is it always "women and children first"?
The sharks won't be hungry anymore.

[Eigenvector]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact.

“Nancy, Nancy?”
"Is that you, Ray?”

“Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

“That's wonderful! What's it like?”

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.


















Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course.




















Then it's more sex until late at night.. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”

"Oh, Ray! Are you in Heaven?"

“No, I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

[Olddan1943]

As someone once said, "There is no such thing as an old joke, just old listeners."

[Eigenvector]

[LakeSuperior]

Apologies in advance...



What do you call an Avogadro's number of buttocks?

Molasses.

[boatman61]

Originally Posted by goat

Not really, they call it football, but their feet rarely touch the ball.

Ahh.. Okay.!!! a bit like 'Freedom' then..

[Cormorant]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

Apologies in advance...



What do you call an Avogadro's number of buttocks?

Molasses.

An ass has two buttocks, left and right. So an Avogadro's number of buttocks would equal one-half molasses. What the other half is, I do not know.

[Buzzman]

All I can promise you is that Avogadros are not constant!

I'm missing so many of my molar units I'm having trouble chewing these days!

[Eigenvector]

Keeping with the current theme:

[Buzzman]

Reminds me of the old hippie at the Woodford Folk Festival a cuppla years back, handing out home-made 'cigarettes'.

There was a queue of people lined up to receive his 'blessing', all apparently to no avail, as his comment to each was:

"Here, take a number"

[goat]

Originally Posted by boatman61

Ahh.. Okay.!!! a bit like 'Freedom' then.. [emoji3]

Right! Can't have freedom unless encircled by walls.

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

Apologies in advance...



What do you call an Avogadro's number of buttocks?

Molasses.

Ok..I admit it... I had to look it up!
So what do yo call a number of Avogadro's eating beans around a campfire?

[Eigenvector]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

Ok..I admit it... I had to look it up!
So what do yo call a number of Avogadro's eating beans around a campfire?

Mole Vaquero's ?

I went to the Bible (Blazing Saddles) but you sir have me stumped.

[D&D]

One spelling mistake in a hurry can make your life hell.
I wrote a romantic message to my wife while I was away on a business trip and I missed an "e".
Now this mistake has caused me to seek police protection to enter my own house.
I wrote,

"Hi darling I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my life & I wish you were her!