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Old 05-01-2018, 15:49   #2731
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An olde classic ...

IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door ... only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it... Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying ... and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..



‘Look Paddy ... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'
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Old 06-01-2018, 08:42   #2732
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning...
...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.
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Old 06-01-2018, 17:08   #2733
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Lord Tundering Jaysus Billy had been drinking a bit of screech one night and decided to do some ice fishing. So he stood up his auger and started to drill into the ice. A voice from above boomed "THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!!!!!" Billy looked around and thought "okay" and walked further across the ice to try a different spot. As soon as he started drilling the voice boomed again "THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!!!!!!" Billy finally looked up and asked "where are the fish, God?" The voice boomed once again, "I'M NOT GOD, I'M THE ICE RINK ATTENDANT".
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Old 09-01-2018, 05:05   #2734
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Re: The New Joke Thread

As Ozzy Osbourne once said in an interview with the New York Times Magazine (SUNDAY, JUNE 28, 1998: QUESTIONS FOR; Ozzy Osbourne):

Q: What do you make of the recent epidemic of violent youth?

A: America doesn't need as many guns! I keep hearing this [expletive] thing that guns don't kill people, but people kill people.
If that's the case, why do we give people guns when they go to war?
Why not just send the people?
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Old 09-01-2018, 14:09   #2735
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I couldn't figure out a way to compare the number of sluts to non-sluts.

So I asked my friend Horatio.
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Old 09-01-2018, 14:53   #2736
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Did you hear about the giant squid who was fond of impressing his friends with big words? He was a sesquidpedalian.
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Old 09-01-2018, 15:39   #2737
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Re: The New Joke Thread

With nothing but sequels coming out of Hollywood these days here are some to watch for in 2018...

Taxi Driver 2 A disturbed man called Travis is forced to become an Uber driver after losing his job. As he becomes increasing embittered about the world, his thoughts turn to violence. But passengers notice his surly attitude and when his driver ratings fall below 4.6 he is deactivated from Uber.

Sleepless in Seattle 2 Annie is drawn to to the voice of Sam, a widower, as he talks movingly on a podcast about whether he can ever love another woman. On impulse she decides to write him a letter asking him to meet at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. By the time the letter arrives Sam has downloaded Tinder and is much happier with his lot.

Taken 2 A retired CIA agent's daughter is kidnapped by white slavers while sightseeing in Europe. He uses the 'Find my Iphone' app to track them down and then calls the cops.

Psycho 2 Marion Crane is searching for somewhere to stay and spots a place called the Bates Motel. Before booking she decides to look up the motel on TripAdvisor and sees that several guests have warned about the state of the showers. She opts for the Marriot instead.

My favourite....

Executive Decision 2 A group of terrorists hatch a plot to hijack an airliner. But the flight is overbooked. When they refuse to leave their carefully chosen seats they are beaten to a pulp by United flight attendants. The others stay aboard but are too cowed to do anything.

Shamelessly lifted from 'The Economist'.
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Old 09-01-2018, 18:34   #2738
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

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Old 09-01-2018, 18:42   #2739
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery
store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the
security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.



She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had
stolen from the store..

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give
you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering
husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

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Old 12-01-2018, 16:07   #2740
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Remembering George Carlin...

I know the upside of downsizing I know the downside of upgrading. I'm a high tech lo-life. A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, bi-coastal multitasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond. I'm new wave but I'm old school and my inner child is outward bound. I'm a hotwired, heatseaking, warmhearted cool customer, voice activated and biodegradable. I interface with my database and my database is in cyberspace, so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive, and from time to time I'm radioactive. Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging the bullet, and pushing the envelope. I'm on point, on task, on message, and off drugs. I got no need for coke and speed. I got no urge to binge and purge. I'm in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar. A high concept, low profile, medium range ballistic missionary. A streetwise smartbomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties; I tell power lies; I take power naps; I take victory laps. I'm a totally ongoing bigfoot, slamdunk rain maker with a pro-active outreach, a raging workaholic, a working rage-a-holic, out of rehab and in denial. I got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant, and a personal agenda. You can't shut me up, you can't dumb me down, cause I'm tireless and I'm wireless. I'm an alpha-male on beta-blockers. I'm a non-believer and an overacheiver, laid-back but fashion foward, up front, down home, low rent, high maintenance, supersized, long lasting, high definition, fast acting, oven ready, and built to last. I'm a hands on, footloose, knee-jerk headcase, prematurely postraumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate mail. But I'm feeling; I'm caring; I'm healing; I'm sharing; a supportive, bonding, nurturing, primary caregiver. My output is down, but my income is up. I take a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash flow. I read junk-mail; I eat junk food; I buy junk bonds; I watch trash sports. I'm gender specific, captial intensive, user friendly, and lactose intolerant. I bought a microwave at a mini-mall; I bought a minivan at a megastore. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I'm toll free, bite size, ready to wear, and I come in all sizes; a fully equipped, factory authorized, hospital tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle. I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double wrapped, vacuum packed, and I have an unlimited broadband capacity. I'm a rude dude but I'm the real deal, lean and mean, cocked, locked, and ready to rock; rough, tough, and hard to bluff. I take it slow; I go with the flow; I ride with the tide; I got glide in my stride; driving and moving, sailing and spinning, jiving and grooving, wailing and winning. I don't snooze, so I don't lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hardy and lunchtime is crunchtime. I'm hanging in, there ain't no doubt, and I'm hanging tough, over and out.
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Old 12-01-2018, 17:02   #2741
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnglaisInHull View Post
Oh no, here comes another anecdote. Funnyish and true story.

Went into a local service station to get a propane tank filled. The only person on duty was a young woman, blonde, with make-up, not exactly what you’re expecting to find. I wasn’t sure she’d know how to do a propane fill but she handled it with ease. And then when I made a comment on the price, she gave me a short lecture on supply and demand and how it applies to the petroleum industry.

Park your prejudices at the door.
I have a similar story.

Back when I was a defense contractor, my co-worker and I were on travel and went out to a strip club one night. He had a baby daughter and he was all filled with dreams and hopes of college, etc for his little angel, even though he had barely finished high school.

He phrased it something like, "I'm sending my kid to college, there's no way she's going to work at a joint like this, filled with single mothers with daddy issues doing drugs, getting groped in a dead end job that they end up losing when they turn 30!"

I looked up, and our very beautiful, well stacked waitress was standing behind him, waiting to take our order. From the way she rolled her eyes, I had a feeling she had something to say but was biting her tongue.

When she came back with our pitchers of beer, I prodded her and asked her what she thought of a college education. She said, "I think it's important to be well educated, especially in certain fields where one can utilize their education. I'm finishing up my master's in clinical psychology and I'll get my PhD, then start my own practice."

I was really impressed and told her so. My co-worker was turning beet red because he knew he'd stepped in it and she was the wrong woman to stereotype like he had done. Of course I couldn't leave it alone and told him, "Looks like you're the only one here without a degree. Maybe you should go to college..."

The more I laughed, the redder he got!
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Old 13-01-2018, 18:07   #2742
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
I have a similar story.

Back when I was a defense contractor (etc.etc.) The more I laughed, the redder he got!
Mind if I quote your full post verbatim and send it to my granddaughter?

James
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Old 13-01-2018, 18:21   #2743
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Mind if I quote your full post verbatim and send it to my granddaughter?

James
Be my guest!
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Old 13-01-2018, 22:50   #2744
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Our COO stripped her way through college. She graduated with no student debt, with a fully paid for auto, with a condo she'd paid over half down on and with significant cash in the bank. Oh, and she filed full taxes all four years, reporting and paying taxes on over $400k of income in 4 years. Her first accounting job after graduation she took a huge pay cut.
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Old 14-01-2018, 03:52   #2745
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by BandB View Post
Our COO stripped her way through college. She graduated with no student debt, with a fully paid for auto, with a condo she'd paid over half down on and with significant cash in the bank. Oh, and she filed full taxes all four years, reporting and paying taxes on over $400k of income in 4 years. Her first accounting job after graduation she took a huge pay cut.
Which begs the question....
Can misogyny be used as a profit center?
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