The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

So true!

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

You have no idea...

[socaldmax]

I'll drink to that!

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[micah719]

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

[micah719]

-Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
-Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
-What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
-Can fat people go skinny dipping?
-Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
-Why does a cowboy wear two spurs? If one side of the horse goes, so does the other.
-Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
-Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
-How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
-What are Preparation A through Preparation G?
-Why is the word “abbreviation” so long?
-Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
-After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
-Is it possible to be totally partial?
-Why is a boxing ring square?
-In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
-What’s another word for thesaurus?
-Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
-What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
-Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?
-If a book about failures doesn’t sell is it a success?
-Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
-How come there aren’t B batteries?
-If a funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
-What’s another word for synonym?
-Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
-If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail by the thousands per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?
-When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
-Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
-How do “Do not walk on the grass” signs get there?
-If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
-Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
-Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?
-Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
-If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest is there a sound?
-Is a metaphor like a simile?
-Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
-Before drawing boards were imvented, what did they go back to?
-If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
-How do I set my laser printer on stun?
-Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
-How is it possible to have a civil war?
-When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
-When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
-If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
-Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
-If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
-Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
-Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?
-If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
-Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
-Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
-If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
-What do you do when an endangered animal eats endangered plants?
-If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with “Quit while you’re ahead”?
-Do witches run spell checkers?
-Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
-Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
-If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
-If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
-If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands?
-Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
-Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean that my job is a crime?
-Why do noses run and feet smell?
-If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
-If you work in a hospital, can you call in sick?
-Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
-Is there another word for synonym?
-How can there be self-help “groups?”
-How do a fool and his money GET together?
-How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
-Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
-If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
-How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
-How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?
-When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
-Why do they call it a “TV set” when you only get one?
-How do you throw away a garbage can?
-When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
-Why are all the home economics teachers divorced?
-How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
-Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
-Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
-Why do they call it a “bust” when it stops right before the part of the body you’d think it would have been named after?
-How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?
-Why isn’t there mouse-flavoured cat food?
-Why do they call them “buildings” when they’re already done building them?
-Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
-Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
-How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
-If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
-Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
-If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
-If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his underpants on the outside of his trousers?
-If a turtle does not have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
-If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
-If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
-If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
-Why do they sterilise the needles for lethal injections?
-If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
-Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
-Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
-If you throw a cat out the car window, does it become kitty litter?
-Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing people is wrong?
-Is it true cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
-What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
-Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
-If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
-Why do banks charge you an “insufficient funds” fee on money they already know you don’t have?
-What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it’s all about?
-What is the speed of dark?
-How come we never hear about gruntled employees?
-Why do they sell cigarettes at the gas station if you can’t smoke there?
-What happened to the first 6 “ups?”

[Therapy]

I have not been able to get through the last post but did come across this old one that I think should be shown again.

Nautical Terms:

Ahoy
The first in a series of four letter words commonly exchanged by skippers as their boats approach one another

Bar
Long. Low lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbor entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.

Boom
A Laterally mounted spar to which a sail is fastened, used during jibing to shift crew members to a fixed, horizontal position.

Bulkhead
Discomfort suffered by sailors who drink too much

Cabin
A cramped, closet like compartment below decks where crew members may be stored – on their sides if large or on end if small – until needed.

Calm
Sea condition characterized by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beer

Channel
Narrow stretch of deep or dredged waterway bordered by buoys or markers that separates two or more grounded boats

Current
Tidal flow that carries a boat away from it desired destination or toward a hazard.

Fitting Out
Series of maintenance tasks performed on boats ashore during good weather weekends in spring and summer months to make them ready for winter storage.

Flipper
Rubber swimming aid worn on the feet. Usually available in two sizes, 3 and 17

Flotsam
Anything floating in the water from which there is no response when an offer of a cocktail is made.

Fluke
The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom: also, any occasion when this happens on the first try.

Galley
Ancient: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery.
Modern: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery

Gear
Generic term for any pieces of boating equipment that can be forgotten in the back-seat or boot of a car, left behind on a pontoon, soaked in the bottom of a dinghy or lost over the side of the boat.

Gimbals
Movable mountings often found on shipboards lamps, compasses etc which provide dieting passengers an opportunity to observe the true motions of the ship in relation to them, and thus prevent any recently ingested food from remaining in their digestive systems long enough to be converted into unwanted calories.

Grounding
Embarrassing situation in which a sailor returns to shore without leaving his boat.

Hatch
An opening in a deck leading to the cabin below with a cover designed to let water in while keeping fresh air out.

Hull speed
The maximum theoretical velocity of a given boat through the water, which is 1.5 times the square root of its waterline length in feet, divided by the distance to port in miles, minus the time in hours to sunset cubed.

Jibe
Course change which causes the boom to sweep rapidly across the cockpit; also, frequent type of comment made by observers of this maneuver.

Lanyard
A light line attached to a small article so that it can be secured somewhere well out of reach.

Leeward
The direction in which objects, liquids and other matter may be thrown without risk of re encountering them in the immediate future.

Life jacket
Any personal floatation device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessel, above water long enough to be run over by it or another rescue craft.

Mizzen
The shorter aft mast on a yawl or ketch. Any mast that is no longer there.

Moon
Earth’s natural satellite. During periods when it displays a vivid blue color, sailing conditions are generally favorable.

Motor sailor
A hybrid boat that combines the simplicity and reliability of sail power with the calm and serenity of a throbbing engine.

Ocean racing
Demanding form of sailing practiced by sportsman whose idea of a good time is standing under an ice cold shower, fully clothed while re examining there last meal.

Passage
Basically a voyage from point A to point B, interrupted by unexpected landfalls or stopovers at point K, point Q, and point Z.

Pontoon
Harbor landing place that goes crack, crunch when hit

Pilotage
The art of getting lost in sight of land, as opposed to the distinct and far more complex science of navigation used to get lost in offshore waters.

Port
1. Left on a boat.
2. A place you wish you never left on a boat.

Propeller
Underwater winch designed to wind up at high speeds any lines left hanging over the stern.

Radar
An extremely realistic kind of electronic game often found on larger sailboats. Players try to avoid colliding with “blips” which represent other sailboats, large container ships and oil tankers.

Regatta
Organized sailing competition that pits yours against your opponents’ luck.

Sailing
The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going nowhere at great expense.

Satellite Navigation
Sophisticated electronic location method that enables sailors to instantly determine the exact latitude and longitude, within just a few feet, anywhere on the surface of the surface of the earth, of whatever it was they just ran aground on.

Single handed sailing
The only situation in which the skipper does not immediately blame the crew for every single thing that goes wrong

Spinnaker
Large beautiful balloon shaped sail used in powerful downwind sailing, collapses at the sides to make control difficult and when lowered stores neatly into the galley and main cabin and heads all at the same time.

Tides
The rise and fall of ocean waters. There are two tides of interest to mariners: the ebb tide sailors encounter as they attempt to enter port and the flood tide they experience as they try to leave.

Yardarm
Horizontal spar mounted in such a way that when viewed from the cockpit, the sun is always over it.

[senormechanico]

[micah719]

[D&D]

THE VALUE OF A GOOD VOCABULARY

I called an old friend and asked what he was doing.

He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics,
aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."

I was impressed...

Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

[GILow]

Originally Posted by D&D

THE VALUE OF A GOOD VOCABULARY



I called an old friend and asked what he was doing.



He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics,

aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."



I was impressed...



Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

I paid my way through university working as a hydro-ceramic technician.