The New Joke Thread

[D&D]

Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.

The old Jewish man says, "Well last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love and she screamed for 6 hours.

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.

They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."

[carstenb]

Irish Hunting Trip

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them
into the Rockies for a week, hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and
he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

The plane took off.

However, while attempting to cross some very high mountains, even on full power, the little
plane couldn't handle the load and it went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[Mirage35]

Originally Posted by svmariane

-snip-

Just for the record: If I ever go missing you should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.
-snip-

This doesn't fit a joke thread unless I'm the joke, but it really happened: on one occasion when I was in university my roommate really wanted me to see a message when I got home - so he taped it to the case of beer in the fridge.

[D&D]

SEX IN THE SHOWER

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm 'Brut', people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, 86% of Chicago's inner city residents say that they have had sex in the shower.

The other 14% said They hadn't been to prison yet.

Sort of brings a tear to your eye.



PLEASE DO NOT SHOOT THE MESSENGER.....LOL!!!!

Have a good day...

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by D&D

SEX IN THE SHOWER

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

Just a thought:

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom
until they are flashing behind you.

[Adelie]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Just a thought:



I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom

until they are flashing behind you.

That's still freedom, freedom to take the consequences of your choices.

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by Adelie

That's still freedom, freedom to take the consequences of your choices.

Of course it is! I completely agree. I'm only pointing out the irony.

[quandary]

There was a mixup and Bill Clinton went to heaven and the Pope went to hell.
Arrangements were made to correct this and the two chatted to each other on the way to where they should have gone.
Pope "I can't wait to get my hands on that Virgin Mary!".
Bill "sorry ..too late"

[Glenn C]

ok, not a joke...maybe.. the head line made me laugh out loud...

"Man who cut off 52yo's testicle in Port Macquarie motel room was just trying to help, court hears"

Man who cut off 52yo's testicle in Port Macquarie motel room was just trying to help, court hears - ABC News (Australian Broadcasting Corporation)

[danielamartindm]

There once was a grifter named Hill
Who married a pervert named Bill
They drink what they want
From the taxpayer font
And those who'd rat out, they just kill.

[Pelagic]

Was that Bob Gelding by any chance? [emoji4]

[JPA Cate]

There was a young lady from Norway
Who hung by her heels in the doorway.
She said to her young man,
"Get off the divan,"
"I think that I've found one more way!"

[carstenb]

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what’s wrong.

“The word is celebrate not celibate,” says the old monk with tears in his eyes.

[D&D]

A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery
store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the
security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.



She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.



When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had
stolen from the store..

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give
you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering
husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

[PhiSig1071]

Did you hear that the Norwegian military is going to put a barcode on the hulls of all their ships?






That way when they return to port they can Scandinavian.