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Old 28-06-2015, 04:23   #226
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Advance Warning: If you know nothing about USA cops, then skip past this post.
You won't find it worth even a smirk.....



The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
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Old 28-06-2015, 04:27   #227
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.

The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said, "This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you do?"

The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir. I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging..."

"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.

The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.

"Sir," said the next butter-bar, "I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and..."

"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.

Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say, 'Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1700!"

"You're ready to be promoted!" the Colonel said.
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Old 28-06-2015, 04:40   #228
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...................

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

6. "The coffee machine is broken...."

5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."


AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:


"The IT folk said our computers might be infected by a new "worm" and asked me to listen if I could hear it."
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Old 28-06-2015, 05:35   #229
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."





And Ann? - You've seen this before: One little girl, one little coin - one momentous experience. For the rest of you, I recommend full screen mode because half the enjoyment is watching the people's faces - especially the children - because if that doesn't make you smile then hell, I give up.
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Old 28-06-2015, 09:57   #230
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
....One little girl, one little coin - one momentous experience. For the rest of you, I recommend full screen mode because half the enjoyment is watching the people's faces - especially the children - because if that doesn't make you smile then hell, I give up.
It has been a while since I last saw that clip. I am big on joy so the very aptly named Beethoven's 9th is one of my favourite pieces. And yes, the people's expressions (especially the kids, but all of them) made me not just smile, but grin from ear to ear .

Fresh from a swim, a sundowner in hand, the sun dipping over the hills, pine trees plunging down to green water and Beethoven. Life doesn't get much better.

Thanks for sharing that again .

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Old 28-06-2015, 17:23   #231
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bombmaking class,

when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his ass.

"If you do not mind me saying," said the second terrorist,"that cork looks very uncomfortable.


Why do you not take it out?"

"I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist."It is permanently stuck in my ass."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and Itripped over an oil lamp.


There was a puff of smoke, and then ahuge old man with a white

beard and top hat cameboiling out.

He said, "I am the Genie.I can grant you one wish. "




I said, "No ****?"

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Old 28-06-2015, 18:12   #232
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A little girl came running into the house crying her eyes out and cradling her hand.

"Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked mom.

"I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away."
Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.
"Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" whined the little one.
"What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent.

"Well I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider!"
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Old 28-06-2015, 22:23   #233
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar -
ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis - shaken, not
stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They
can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are
produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of
them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve
martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for
$125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing three couples at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in
front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the six at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retirees from Australia. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
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Old 28-06-2015, 22:24   #234
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high
school reunion, and she kept staring at a
drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone
at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I
understand he took to drinking right after we split
up all those years ago, and I hear he hasn't been
sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?"

And that’s when the fight started...
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Old 29-06-2015, 13:37   #235
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Re: The New Joke Thread

It's a lovely summer day and two elderly gentlemen are enjoying a drink at a sidewalk cafe. The passing crowds include quite a number of beautiful girls. The two friends follow the girls wistfully with their eyes. After a time one sighs and says to his friend
"Jim do you remember that stuff they were supposed to put in the tea when we were in the army to stop us getting randy?"
"Yes, I suppose I do" says the other.
"Well, I think it's beginning to work"


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Old 29-06-2015, 16:59   #236
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 29-06-2015, 17:31   #237
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
Little Johnny jokes...... C'mon, folks! Surely we can do better than that?
Yes we could , but why, these are pretty good?
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Old 29-06-2015, 17:32   #238
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A lawyer in Charlotte, NC purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim with the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
But... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
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Old 29-06-2015, 22:43   #239
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adelie View Post
Yes we could , but why, these are pretty good?
Ahhh.... You're right; my bad.

So I'll just join in:


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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Old 29-06-2015, 22:47   #240
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months." Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?" Little Johnny raised his hand and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."
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