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Old 17-06-2017, 13:32   #2191
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Re: The New Joke Thread

There are only 11 times in history where the"F"word has been considered appropriate usage; they are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we're sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- George Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Albert Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c’mon Monica. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998

1. "There is no @#$%ing way Trump will ever become President"
-- Hillary Clinton, 2016
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Old 17-06-2017, 21:28   #2192
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A priest, a Pentecostal Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the University of Minnesota - Duluth. They met for coffee 2-3 times a week. One day someone made the comment that it is easy to preach to people - but preaching to a bear would be a real challenge. They all agreed to take on the challenge of going out into the woods, finding a bear, and attempting to convert it.

Seven days later, they all got together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has bandages all over his body, goes first. "I went into the woods to find a bear. When I found him, I began to read from the catechism. But the bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him, and Holy Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him his first communion."

Reverend Billy Bob went next. He was in a wheel chair, with an IV drip in his arm, and had both his legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he shouted "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and found the bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD. But that bear would have none of it. And so we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another, and then finally into a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. He became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down on the Rabbi, who was lying in his hospital bed. He was in a complete body cast, was in traction, and had IV's running in and out of him all over his body. He has barely survived. The Rabbi opened his eyes and said "Looking back on it, the circumcision may have not been the best way to start...."
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Old 18-06-2017, 12:04   #2193
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Re: The New Joke Thread

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?

- No sir it's Google's pizza.

- So it's a wrong number?

- No sir, Google bought it.

- OK. Take my order please ..

- Well sir, you want the usual?

- The usual? You know me?

- According to our caller ID, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust

- OK! This is it

- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?

- No, I hate vegetables

- But your cholesterol is not good

- How do you know?

- Through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years

- Okay, but I do not want this pizza, I already take medicine

- You have not taken the medicine regularly, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drugsale Network

- I bought more from another drugstore

- It's not showing on your credit card

- I paid in cash

- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement

- I have other source of cash

- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you got it from undeclared income source

-WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet,where there is no cell phone line and no one to spy on me

- I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport as it has expired 5 weeks ago.
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Old 18-06-2017, 12:47   #2194
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Good thread for laughs!
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Old 18-06-2017, 19:40   #2195
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by D&D View Post
- Hello! Gordon's pizza?

- No sir it's Google's pizza.

- So it's a wrong number?

- No sir, Google bought it.

- OK. Take my order please ..

- Well sir, you want the usual?

- The usual? You know me?

- According to our caller ID, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust

- OK! This is it

- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?

- No, I hate vegetables

- But your cholesterol is not good

- How do you know?

- Through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years

- Okay, but I do not want this pizza, I already take medicine

- You have not taken the medicine regularly, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drugsale Network

- I bought more from another drugstore

- It's not showing on your credit card

- I paid in cash

- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement

- I have other source of cash

- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you got it from undeclared income source

-WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet,where there is no cell phone line and no one to spy on me

- I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport as it has expired 5 weeks ago.
HA HA HA.


And people wonder why so many have thoughts of suicide and homicide in the West.
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Old 18-06-2017, 23:43   #2196
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Jeff Bezos: "Alexa: buy some olives from Whole Foods"

Alexa: "Buying All of Whole Foods"

Bezos: "****."
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Old 19-06-2017, 02:17   #2197
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by PhiSig1071 View Post
Jeff Bezos: "Alexa: buy some olives from Whole Foods"

Alexa: "Buying All of Whole Foods"

Bezos: "****."
Now THAT was funny!
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Old 19-06-2017, 18:10   #2198
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
Now THAT was funny!
Yep.
...
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Old 19-06-2017, 20:25   #2199
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Therapy View Post
Yep.
...
It really hit my funny bone because a friend of mine has one and he spends most of his time correcting it when it misunderstands his commands! LOL
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Old 20-06-2017, 16:41   #2200
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
It really hit my funny bone because a friend of mine has one and he spends most of his time correcting it when it misunderstands his commands! LOL
Yea.
I hate typing (especially on a screen) and try to use text to speech but there has yet to be a program that actually works.
Jokes on me.
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Old 20-06-2017, 17:19   #2201
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Google has gotten very very accurate over time for me.
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Old 20-06-2017, 19:57   #2202
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by john61ct View Post
Google has gotten very very accurate over time for me.
Well........crap.
My son works for Apple..............

Soooo...........................

Siri is stupid though.



but enough of this.

Back to the jokes and all.



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A: "Meet you at the corner!"
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Old 22-06-2017, 16:09   #2203
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Re: The New Joke Thread

How about a few memes? I've seen some really good ones lately...

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Old 22-06-2017, 16:11   #2204
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Another...
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Old 22-06-2017, 16:11   #2205
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Re: The New Joke Thread

For the older crowd...

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