The New Joke Thread

[D&D]

The Cynical Philosopher...

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year... Not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out"?

I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named "Sag Harbor".

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Denny's has a slogan: "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

[D&D]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did. What an uplifting experience that followed...

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lot of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Then everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!


Will write again soon, Love, Grandma

[44'cruisingcat]

A man goes to a zoo. The only animal there is a dog.

It's a shih tzu.

[Eigenvector]

Doctor: We’ve run all the tests. The results show that you have Chronic Diarrhea.
Patient: Yep, it runs in my Jeans.

[svmariane]

Things have been sort of quiet down to the pub lately, mostly 'cause of George being out of town. But he showed up t'other night for a few beers and, course, was asked 'bout this and that.

Now George, he says he's taken up a new line of work, saying he's a professional zombie killer.

"What?!" We exclaimed. "Come on, stop joking."

He says; "OK, have you seen a zombie recently?"

"Course not!" We says with shaking heads.

Smirk intact George says:"Well there you go, you’re welcome."

[svmariane]

Now the barkeep, he told George that the doctor said he (the barkeep) must get some sea air for his (the barkeep's) health. He (the barkeep) quickly went and checked the state of his (the barkeep's, not the doctor's) bank account – and opened up a can of tuna in front of a ventilator.




Sorry..... Been worried about grammar nazis. Speaking of, here's a small video.

WARNING: NOT for the squeamish, politically correct, nor those offended by...Oh heck, just skip it.

{A satirical offshoot of the opening scene in the film "Inglourious Basterds"}

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtJ7P__4DiQ

[svmariane]

Overheard in a corner of the pub...

Three doctors are talking about death. The first, a dentist, says, “When I die, I think I’d like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.”

“Hey,” adds the cardiologist, “that’s not a bad idea, I’d love my tombstone to be shaped as a heart…”

The gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, “I think scattering of the ashes is my option.”

[svmariane]

I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm sexy".





Some days I just wait at a green light till I’m feeling good about myself.

[svmariane]

Meanwhile in a parallel universe:

“Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”

[svmariane]

Optimist: The glass is half full.

Pessimist: The glass is half empty.

Mother: Why didn’t you use a coaster!

[svmariane]

Just curious, but did anyone else notice that the “&”symbol looks like a dog dragging his butt across the floor?

[svmariane]

One final comment from George as he paused at the pub's door a'for heading home....

"Why I don’t trust joggers? Well, they are usually the ones to find the dead bodies."

Just George, ya know? Gotta go now....

[powsmias]

Seen this thread come up in recent discussions and got a good one, not a joke but true story (i'm told) Guy in poolroom told it with his london accent, geoff, well known in tristate area, seems brit navy captain on bridge demanded coffee a lot and one of the lowest class seamen got the job to get it up there, always a full cup, up and down ladders and fighting the heavy seas at times, always delivered a full cup. said in story when asked how, he said "at the bottom of the ladder i would take a big mouthful and after getting up i'd spit it back in the cup"..

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Overheard in a corner of the pub...

Three doctors are talking about death. The first, a dentist, says, “When I die, I think I’d like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.”

“Hey,” adds the cardiologist, “that’s not a bad idea, I’d love my tombstone to be shaped as a heart…”

The gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, “I think scattering of the ashes is my option.”

An old OR Tech once used to say that he wanted to be cremated, mixed with a douche and run through one more time.

[john61ct]

eeeww